The opposite window..... !!

It wasn’t very long since I shifted in this new flat. It was very spacey and airy situated on the 13^th floor of a large multi story building in a very posh and beautiful society. Though the rent was a bit expensive but it was totally worth it, living in a lavish flat has its own advantages, at least it provides peace of mind and a certain class to your life style. As it happens in every big city, finding a single accommodation is quite hectic, unreasonable and very costly so bachelors generally tend to live on a sharing basis.

People switch their accommodation very fast here so no one quite knows the history of their current residence, who lived here and for how much time, people don’t even know their neighbours and barely there is anyone to gossip about the surroundings. People prefer to live quietly and peacefully in their apartment completely ignoring the existence of any other person sharing the same floor. I never understand the weird look which my neighbour used to throw on me on every encounter; it was a mixed expression of puzzled look with a hint of horror.

I had become quite fond of the silence that always persisted in the flat, which was occasionally broken by the soothing wind that used to fill it entirely and completely change the surroundings for a while. There were occasional sounds coming from unknown origin but I never bothered about them. In the morning there were very loud thumping sound some times, which I always somehow ended up relating with the pigeons which use to make a lot of noise, those sounds indeed broke my peaceful sleep many times and I ended up cursing those stupid pigeons.

But the most noticeable thing was the window just next to my window. All buildings of every society have almost the same structure, so my window used to face the window of the next building. For the first few days it was always covered with curtains so I never knew what’s happening on the other side but I was quite surprised the day the curtains were lifted. It was a very funny incident, whenever I used to look outside I could sense some motion, I thought a guy is living there. One day, when I was changing my t shirt I thought someone is watching me, I was shocked but then I realize that I was watching my own reflection. When the curtains were lifted, all the time I was watching my own reflection and I laughed at my absence of mind, so who stayed at the other side remained a mystery.

I had a haircut and shaving today, it was good to switch to being civilized and leaving the rock star look although the beard and long hair gives a ‘I am working very hard and immersed in my work’ kind of feeling. I came back to my flat late in the evening when it was completely dark and I had no intention to turn on the light. I looked outside and find my reflection in the window again. Suddenly I was filled with complete shock and horror and transfixed to my place; the reflection was still having long hairs and beard. I looked at it and see the color of eyes slowly changing to dark red and the reflection giving me the most terrorizing smile I had ever seen. The darkness in the room was increasing, the sounds of the morning were coming back but this time they were much more louder and scarier, I turned and suddenly my sight switched to the mirror where I can see my reflection still with red eyes, long hairs and a beard with the same smile and the last thing I remember was his eyes sparkling with dark red color and a loud laughing sound that was coming from everywhere.

To all those who hate me ....

Dear haters,

Greetings from my side and a warm welcome!!

I would have preferred a one on one conversation but as it is most unlikely to happen, I thought to address all of you in a single post. First of all, I congratulate the founders who have taken great efforts and hard work to reach such a massive numbers. I appreciate the time you have invested in promoting the brand ‘ bad Mayank ‘, the sheer amount of hours you have put on talking about me, spreading awareness and making sure that even the remotest corner knows the bad deeds of Mayank Sharma. I really wonder, if you have investment the same amount in your own betterment where you all would have reached. So a big thanks from my side, there is a dialogue from the movie ‘American Beauty’ that there is nothing worse than being ordinary, with due thanks to you people I never remained ordinary and that is really a big thing for a person like me for whom identity matters a lot.

Secondly, I would like to discuss a few questions with you though I am not expecting any replies but still I would like to do my part. I agree if you hate me there would be surely a very strong reason for that else it would be just insane to hate any person without a proper reason. May be I have harmed you in some way or maybe you just have heard the prospects of me bringing harm to you and you decided to hate me. I understand that so I would like to raise a question. How many of you I have harmed directly? How many of you are sure about my involvement in a harm that was brought on you? If you have heard I have harmed some person and you started blindly trusting that how many of you bothered to enquire about it at least once? How many of you declared me accused of something you heard I did without even thinking once about other possibilities?

I do agree I might have offended some of you in some way but it was never intentional. May be I was not knowing the context and said something which had deeply hurt you, or maybe I was not at all aware about the things you were fighting with and took things in lightly which I shouldn’t have. I have my flaws and at times there is only a single culprit i.e. situations. Still, instead of remaining silent you could have cleared up things with me, all it required was to tell me that you didn’t like this and I would have tried to not repeat the things that had affected you. How would I know what was offending and hurting you and what was not? What good it brought to both you and me by staying silent, making conclusions in your own head, developing random theories, discussing things with a third person and condemning me. All it required was a little feedback from your side and things might have worked out but still to all those who were hurt by any of my comment, my gesture, something they heard I said, something they heard I did, my sincere apologies, I never meant It and if you would discuss the issue with me I promise never to repeat those mistakes again. I agree I am a fallible guy but I expect you to play the role of bigger person and forgive me for my sins as you must have forgiven other people and must have been forgiven by someone else you hurt.

But if you hate me only because you thought I snatched an opportunity or a person from you. I made it to somewhere which you thought you deserve. Someone by whom you wanted to be praised was praising me or someone with whom you wanted to befriend was a good friend of me, then I can’t help it. Just to match the level, I can’t bring myself down and I don’t expect you to raise your level either. Life is not a competition where we fight for people. I won’t even say the best one deserves the prize as there were times when despite being the best one I lost. I have faced far bitter defeats than you have but I didn’t sulk or started hating people just because I lost. I respect my defeats and I respect myself for the healthy competition I maintained and giving the best I could to win something. Life is a learning not a race. You lose just because you learn experience to win in a bigger race. There would always be victory and defeats but once you lose a person then you lose it, the person that returns after a patch up is never the same that he was, so never lose a person on petty and stupid things. Also, I am not responsible for your failures, in fact no one can be responsible for any other person’s failure, if you failed then either you were wrongly judged or the reason was you and only you, not me. No one has any right to point their figure at me because of their failures; I didn’t sign a contract with anyone to get them through every situation. I help because I like to help, but helping others is not my duty where you can blame me for disappointing you. Never take a person for granted, strange world we live in, people stay on good terms with the fakers and betrayers, but the person who helped you 100 times on cost of his own comfort and progress fails to do so 1 time then he is blamed and made a culprit forever. Getting punished for doing goods is something I learned lately because some people accuse you of giving them expectations when they never asked any help from you and then not helping the next time.

Besides, I am much thankful to people who never let me felt bad about myself. There were times when I literally felt very low and bad because of the way my personal life was made a source of public entertainment but there were some people who always believed in me more than I believe in myself. Luckily my life is like TCS recruitment, there is always an extra addition in the people who consider me good in comparison to those who consider me bad. There are times when I think about completely leaving the social life and to live an isolated aloof and alone life but then these people remind me that I shouldn’t punish all due to crime of some and I shouldn’t punish myself too.

In the past few days, I have met many people who told me that they have heard lots of bad things about me but once they came to know me they realized that they were wrong in judging me beforehand without meeting me. Sometimes I do feel the way I am described behind my back, I am more frightening than lord Voldemort, who knows they won’t even use my name, I am “ he who must not be named” the ultimate villain. I am glad those who came to know me forgave me for the sins I have not done and those who already knew me always made be aware of the things that are running behind my back.

But, what I can’t understand is, we have entered a new phase of our life. A phase which might act as a pillar to our future. What’s the point in random gossiping, blaming, abusing and accusing, why to waste our precious little time in things so petty and which won’t generate any productivity at all? How could people waste their time in such lame things and feel good about it? Lastly, I hate the hypocrisy. If you hate me, then hate me like a man, let me know that you hate me and I would respect you for that. Don’t try to act smart and disguise yourself as my friend and bitch about some other one in front of me? You think I don’t know the names and acts of all the people who are running the ‘Mayank awareness program’ behind my back. But, thanks to all haters, who because of some reason revealed one another’s name and acts and at least I know from whom I should stay away.

There are people who after years of bad mouthing come to me, say sorry and say we were wrong about you, we were immature and we hope you would forgive us. Can you undo the damage you have already done? Because of you and your temporary emotional immature outburst, 10 other people dislike me without any reason and now you expect us to be nice friends just because you admit your fault. There are people who hate me because they think I am just a showoff, even my facebook statuses and blogs look a show off to them. I really had a nice laugh when I see them posting pictures about their new college or new car or putting status about their first salary or getting any other achievement. If you are doing it then you are sharing things with your friends, if I am doing it then I am show off, great logic. If you are posting a poem or a song sung by you, you are sharing your talents and getting acknowledged, if I am doing that then I am trying to prove all other lesser and myself better . I am not the reason the world treated you inferior, it was always you, you made and allowed the world to treat you as inferior. I was always the small town guy, weak in communications and even grammar, I just made my way because I fought, I learned and I improved myself instead of crying every time that the world doesn’t accept me for what I am and it is being unfair to me. It takes courage to stand up and not to cry, it takes strength to stay normal and act calm when your world is falling apart and your soul is getting torn into pieced. You cried every time for your weakness, earned the world’s sympathy and bragging everywhere now about your small achievements and if I stay strong and stay normal then I am just faking strength, I couldn’t be more amused by these logics.

If I have hurt you intentionally and made fun of you for the sake of being a sadist you have full right to hate me and even propagate it. But if you hate me just because you tried to make fun of me and I just defended myself smartly and your plan backfired or you don’t like me putting status or writing a blog or you don’t like me taking some initiative to improve myself as a person and getting praised for it or you hate me just because other people love me or you hate me because it’s a fashion and it’s really cool to hate Mayank and your friends hate me so you also want to join the party, then I have nothing but sympathy for you. Grow up and be mature and I hope one day the world will treat you better. I am not responsible for anyone’s failure or frustration. In Schendler’s List, Schendler tell Amon Goeth that the real power lies not in punishing but in forgiving so I have no intention to take vengeance of whatever bad that has been brought on me but if I have to then I would defend myself and I won’t follow any diplomacy or silence that time.

How many of you know me in general? How many of you have talked to me even for even an hour once? How many of you know my struggles and the challenge I face in life? I am literally proud that I could be of any service to you and could be used as a permanent feature of social entertainment. I am proud by blaming and accusing me, you made your entry into some groups and get huge respect because you hated me the most and tried to humiliate me behind my back in the best manner possible. I am glad that my image could be used to cover your own weakness and drawback and lastly I am glad because of me many who had differences shared a common platform and get united. But do think once that what did you earn? I know many hates me but those who loves love me intensely and had blind trust on me. Even if due to some reasons I stop talking to them they would stay loyal. Do you have any such people with you? How many of your friends would stay loyal to you just in case you are villain zoned by someone as I was by you?

 I know my limits and I know I am not a perfect person. I try to be the best I can. I have been declared both, angel and demon. People have compared me with god and satan. Some says I am the best that has ever happened with them, some says I am the worst that has ever happened with them. Some say I am too nice so I am targeted, some says I have many faults so I am targeted. I don’t know neither I want to know. Social life is just an aspect of my life; I have many things to be bother about. I have no interest in what others are talking, saying or discussing behind my back neither I have any interest in what is happening in others life. I don’t like gossiping or telling something behind someone’s back and neither do I care when my name is dragged in some issues. If people want to hate me they would eventually however nice I may appear to them and if they want to love me then they would no matter if I act as jerk. I am proud of the brutal honesty I live with; I don’t fake or wear any mask just to please someone. If you can deal with it then it’s fine else it’s better to remain at a safer distance with each other and without throwing mud on each other. The time we spend on making dirty someone’s life could be well spent on cleaning ours.

In the end, a special thanks to all those who have defended me in my absence, who remained loyal, who left their diplomacy to some extent just to fight for me. Special thanks to those also who despite being in good terms with their so called friends trusted my maturity and told me everything that always goes on behind the scene. And haters, I promise you I would try to live up to your expectations, even if I want to feel ordinary, you won’t let me, you won’t accept me as a normal guy in your community, so be it. I would try to work hard, work different, work smart and be in the league that is universally hated. Thank you, you all are the biggest motivators, you constantly push me to keep on learning and moving ahead and with all your help and motivation, I hope one day I would reach sky heights so that you can hate me more forever.

PS: I know even this post would be misinterpreted and would be seen as flamboyancy or emotional outburst but I would humbly request try to look out at the positive aspects instead of seeking another reason to initiate a war( of course behind my back).

STOP PROCRASTINATING, START DOING !

How often it happens with you that you make a very nice plan in details about learning something but you do not even complete 10% of what you planned? You make a schedule or a timetable and try really hard to stick to it but can never follow it for more than 3 or 4 days. You screw up the beginning of your activity and just because of it you are not able to complete what you started. You keep on thinking that you are not in right mood or not in the proper mental state and keep promising yourself that from tomorrow onwards you would definitely start but that tomorrow never comes. You plan for jogging in the early morning but you never wake up or even if you do, you are not able to go for more than 3 days and keep on thinking that you are tired today or it’s raining outside and you would go tomorrow. You never hit the gym, you didn’t learn the language you thought of learning years back, you have pending assignments and homework, your preparation for any exam is lagging behind by a great amount and still you are not able to start. If you suffer from all this, then like me and like most of the human beings you are also a procrastinator.

To err is human and to procrastinate is for sure human, because an animal never thought of going to hunting the next day and sit today, doing nothing because he is not in mood. Telling a procrastinator to develop a routine and sticking to it is like telling a chain smoker not to smoke or disconnecting internet connection of a Facebook addict, some things are not possible because they are not just bad habits or lack of determination, they have deeper psychological roots and require hell lot of efforts for any improvement rather than mere words. We really enjoy the planning phase; it is so much fun to gradually imagine all the improvements we will have once we will start following our plans. We stay so much energetic and optimistic and we are so sure that we are going to follow all the plans, it gives us a very genuine kind of happiness when we create an outstanding plan for a task but not for once we think that what are the odds of us following that plan.  

Procrastination is one thing in which we are naturally expert, but I guess the worst effect it has is not the fact that we failed to complete something important but the guilt of it. We all feel bad if because of our own laziness we are unable to finish something, we feel really guilty and that guilt traps us into a vicious circle. I was reading this article where it described the procrastination loop. The steps were pretty easy. We plan to do something but we think that our mood is not good right now and we should wait for some time to get the proper physical and mental power to complete that task, the wait never gets over and this further screw up our mood as we aren’t able to do what we planned and as our mood is bad we can’t start the task and we keep on forcing it on tomorrow.

If we plan to study till 2 AM and feel really tired at 1 AM then we think that perhaps I should sleep now and wake up an hour early to study and as I would have better focus in the morning it would yield better result. But we aren’t able to wake up early in the morning and we keep on thinking about the 1 hour loss that happened because of our laziness and we aren’t able to study for the whole day thinking about that 1 hour. This scenario can be generalized to any other thing not only study. So, we can easily see the problem is not only the habit but also the inability to tackle the guiltiness properly and letting it hamper our next day tasks and plans.  

So, what’s the solution? Interestingly, I have written on the same topic 4 years ago and I don’t think I quite followed what I thought back then. http://mayankviews.blogspot.in/2010/11/kal-se-pakka.html.

Anyway, I guess we underestimate the problem of procrastination as a personal weakness and it keep on haunting our life, making us sad and guilty for no reason and affect our performance. Even right now, I thought of finishing this article at 9 PM and I am far behind my schedule but anyway I am happy that I am not procrastinating the blogging anymore. I am far more active then what I used to be, but only for the English blog, I keep on delaying the posts for Hindi blog and it’s been 2 years almost I have updated it, the posts are getting piled up inside my head but I am yet to give them any shape on the paper. I tried to create a generalized plan and I hope it would help not only me but all of you, fingers crossed people, let’s hope for the best.

1)      First thing, always make a goal that is practically feasible. If you haven’t touched your book for ages then you can’t suddenly start studying for 10 hours a day. If you are not exercising then you can’t do 50 pushups in a day. The primary reason for procrastination is that we set up our goals too high when we make the plan but when it comes to following it, we are daunted by the unrealistic odds and keep on delaying it. So better, make a plan that gradually increases the efforts and that is realistic and doable. At the end of the day, fancy figures won’t help you if you are not putting any efforts and keep procrastinating with the thought that one day I would study this much or exercise that much.

2)      Always keep a margin for uncertainty. You may have to do some assignment at college, or some guest might come, or you have to stay late at office, there might be some social function you got to attend, or you are sick. There are multiple reasons that might prove big hurdles in your plan , so better keep a margin for them also instead of regretting that you wasted lot of time in that issue.

3)      If you are planning to do something, do it now, there is no such thing called proper time. No your focus won’t improve if you will sleep, your coffee might not help you, talking to a friend won’t improve your mood and you would suddenly start working hard. Don’t delay the work for lame excuses, your brain has become an expertise in tricking you and deviating you from the right path. It would always tempt you to listen to 1 song or watch an episode of FRIENDS before studying, a half hour nap before exercise, accessing the facebook once before start working. Don’t listen to it, your brain is a trickster, it would keep on making your hopes high and stab you in disguise. Be very cruel to yourself and start doing whatever you are supposed to do without any deviation.

4)      Instead of a daily schedule, make weekly goals and plans and try to distribute your time accordingly to finish all those tasks in a week. A daily schedule is very hard to stick to because there are various uncertainties in life but if you are determined you can easily distribute your entire tasks wisely and adjust for daily losses or gains and finish the tasks in a week.

5)      If you are preparing for an examination, or hoping for a healthy body, or trying to learn a new language, the best motivation is self motivation. Try to think about the scenario of the end result for 5 minutes before starting, it will surely boost your moral when you will see yourself without a tummy, or as a student of your dream college or company or speaking a new language and impressing others. This 5 minute process can surely motivate you enough to go for hours.

6)      Don’t be unreasonably harsh on yourself in the beginning or for catching up if you are behind the schedule. You can’t start on with 100% efficiency, starting should always be slow and focused rather then forced efforts and if you are lagging behind many days, you can’t cover up by giving efforts for 12 hours a day, it is unrealistic approach, you would exhaust yourself soon and quit forever. Don’t panic, just increase the daily quote of hours by 20 to 25% and give yourself proper time to get back on the track.

7)      I am not saying to abandon social networking but if your task is high priority and time is less, reducing the frequency to once or twice a day if you spent a lot of time on these things would help a lot. It would keep your mind really refreshed without any deviation and you can focus properly.

8)      Try to maintain a routine; especially for the bed time and wake up time with at most half hour uncertainties, it would really keep your mind in a far focused state than an ad hoc random routine where you yourself don’t even know what you are going to do in the next half hour.

9)      Take breaks at proper interval daily, weekly, monthly to recharge and refresh your stamina. You are not a machine and even machine needs oiling. If you stuck in a routine it would result in boredom and you would start procrastinating again and you won’t even enjoy that non productive phase so better have a pre plan for enjoyment.

10)   Lastly, try to focus more on consistency then concentration, efficiency than hourly efforts, retention than learning a lot and proper revision than aimlessly moving forward. Learn to forgive yourself, if you are not able to follow your plans no point in reproaching and accusing yourself and thinking that while others are studying/working I am wasting my time. No one runs on 100% efficiency and no one is that much dedicated or always motivated. Everyone has issues, so do you, forgive yourself, pat on your back, and start from where you left at the last point instead of planning again.

All the best people, I promise you all that I would definitely stick to my plans and won’t procrastinate and I hope you would do the same. Stop procrastinating, start doing !