The basic portion continued very well and I was able to tune up with them but soon the problem started when the teachers started the higher level. As I was not coached properly and all the other students sitting there were those unlucky fellows which had completed and revised their syllabus very well last year and were there due to their bad luck. I had to look in more than 3 books to understand a single lecture.Even I was finding tough to directly solve the questions of maths and had to do some home work from some standard books to compete with others.
This was one of my first mistake in bansal. As what you are expect to do at bansal is to hear the lecture with concentration and then solve their homework. But I used to stick with lots of books to first read theory and then solve the questions in the book and then go to bansal homework. Soon the bansal's top pace left me behind and I was struggling to even understand the lectures. Meanwhile the bihari fellow in front of my room was creating problem for all of us. He played loud music with his Chinese mobile always and We were disturbing a lot. Now daily frequent collisions of our land lord and those Delhi boys and music boy was common. One day uncle thrown their luggage out of his house, the first stark terror in our face had come. This was the real face of Uncle and he had given us a clear massage to follow his rules else we'll be also thrown out.
Meanwhile We used to have lots of bizarre discussion on many futile topics. We hadn't wasted any time of wasting our time. The most common topics were criticizing bansal, our mess , planning how to spoil the house when we'll depart. The first test was announced on 11th July and I was struggling for a good revision. I had completed maths syllabus but not even half of physics and chemistry. The test was very easy and I was thinking I had done well. Initially my marks calculated were 110 which were tOo cOol but later when I checked it myself they were only 60. The rank was around 1900 and I was not a very happy man. I was burning in introspection and resolution. Not only my preparation was not well but I had done 40 marks silly mistake. I didn't watched a 2 and forgot to cancel 10 with it, such type of silly mistake made me lost my mental stability. The second test on the basis of which we were going to be shuffled was on 26th July. I had done much better in it and got 134 marks but so did the others and my rank slipped to 1529. The legacy of incomplete course and silly mistake continued in this also. To much of my astonishment I was promoted to X8 two batch above my present batch.
I was very happy as 2 years back X8 batch was a guarantee of success in IIT and AIEEE. But I forgot the fact that 2 years back Bansal used to admit only 6k students with around 75 students in a single batch and this year it had admitted more than 25k with around 140 students in each batch. Meanwhile lots of good faculties were leaving in the running session and they were not recruiting good standardize faculty. So we were suffering from severe faculty problem. X8 batch had OK OK teacher. They got the talent of making lecture interesting by jokes and other interesting facts that they used to tell us.Some good faculties lectures were flooded and we have to sat with 4 people on a bench of 3. I worked hard on maths during the 3rd test and completed some of the remaining chemistry portion. But physics the subject in which I had secured almost double marks in previous test became a head ache for me. I was struggling to solve a single question and the teacher there was delivering the lecture very fast.
I always used to suffer from a strange shyness while sitting in class room. It always restricts me for asking question. Wherever I had studied till now I always got this peculiar feeling that I didn't deserve to be here and I had much less potential than the fellow students. I had decided to overcome this introvert nature in bansal but the teachers here had already crushed my new born confidence by making bully of all the students that asked silly questions. I was going to ask for hybridization to a teacher and just before he quoted " you people are knowing hybridization na ... back in Y4 some students were not knowing it .. think how will they manage to study for JEE... you are the students of X10 and you must be knowing all the basic stuff beforehand. Same thing was in X8 our physics teacher also hyped us a lot " x8 ke student hokar aisa question puchte ho . last year ka x8 kitna phodu tha pata hai ".
I completed my whole maths homework before the third test but was knowing beforehand that I'll screw the physics portion. The paper was very lengthy and I made a sprawling silly mistakes of 60 marked ended with 2351 rank and in a very depressing stage. I was not prepared for all this. I hadn't imagined myself below a rank of 500 before and now I was down to 2300. I lost my hope and confidence and remained in a stark depression for a week. But some how I stood again and started from the basics to give it another try.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Getting Started.....
So I had reached the city of muggers in a house which I was discontented to live in. Some construction work was going in the ground floor when I came to know that till last year the land lord used to live here but now he had migrated to a new place. Most of the rooms till then were not filled and only 4 peoples were living at the top floor and 1 bihari boy with his mother which were relatives of our land lord at the ground floor. I had just a few glances to them as all the strangers have at their first encounter but I was knowing soon I'll gonna enjoy my 9 months with there peoples.
When my dad left, the boys there called me for playing football with them. I was happy that they initiated. Then we played chase and ironically in the morning we were not knowing even each others name and in the evening we were discussing personal issues. I had reached 12 days before the commencement of class to get adjusted in the strange environment.Soon the rooms started filling. First a boy from bareli come then 3 from bihar , 2 cousins shifted in ground flour and 1 bihari in a room just in front of my window. Then a boy from Allahabad with his mother.2 aggressive boys from Delhi arrived and finally at last a boy from Indore. With some initial weird look on each other we all on the first floor had started chatting and became very good friends.
We used to wet each other or had some vehement bloody street fights, injuring each other. In the late nights we used to play chess. One match in which a bet of SAMOSA was there continued till 4 am and eventually the best one i.e me won. Soon we started playing prank all around and annoying each other. My initial time table went good as I managed to woke up at 4 am during the first week but then it scattered. Till the parents were coming the mess food was coming OK OK but when all the parents had left they started sending us TRASH daily. Rotten food, it had no taste it was just utter waste. We started relying on the things which our parents had sent .. cookies, grams , biscuits , laddu and other things.
A military boy joined the last room and left soon but in 2 days we traveled a lot with him , me and amar the bareli boy. I was having a good friendship with amar as he had also came very early and we discussed a lot of things and were having some common interest. The first day we were going to bansal amar said " bansalite to ban gaye ab dekhte hai IITian ban pate hai ki nahi". We entered the tOo cOol 8 floored fully ac huge building. I sat on my bench which was declaring a quote written by some one frustrated " bansalite today naxalite tomorrow " mimicking " bansalite today IItian tomorrow".
Soon the room started flooding with students from all around. From the fairest range to the darkest range , from the tallest to the shortest , from the skinny ones to the most obese . Students of all variety from all part of India started sitting on bench with unfamiliar stranger and there was a pin drop silence in the room. Soon our maths teacher manoj bindal arrived and gave a predictable inspirational speech. The only thing I liked is that " you must make friends higher the level of you so that you can rise your level, don't do friendship with people of lower caliber as you have to adjust your level and came down". He said this in perspective of bansal test's rank. Then the physics teacher Rohit Deewan. I enjoyed the first day and due to my newly inculcated zest done all the homework and study work just after returning.
At the second day when I was playing mobile game from long my old eye problem returned. I was horrified again but expecting its disappearance as last time. I didn't panic that much. I started sitting on the third bench for a good vision as first 2 benches were reserved for girls. And due to some misunderstanding I had to sat on last bench on my 2nd day and I was not able to see even a single letter from there. Our first extra class started just 3 days after coaching and we all were not that much happy. But at that time the coaching time was very well 9:30 to 12:45 but after 1st week one parallel class was introduced which hiked the time from 7:45 to 12:45 but it was just official teacher used to live us at 1 or 1:30 and I struggled a lot to walk by foot in that 48 c temperature. Soon I bought a cycle.
The greatest pain in bansal was if you forgot the position of your cycle in the parking. There used to be at least 7500 cycles and the fellow who lost it found very hard to search it. I had seen some students searching their cycle for more then 2 hours checking each and every row. We can misjudge due to lots of same types of cycles there. Meanwhile all of the students of hostel had enjoying abusing the land lord mess owner and bansal. Due to our familiar mental condition we all had came very close to each other and started wasting lots of time in daily gossiping. This is the prime drawback of living in hostel. If some people are gossiping either they disturb you lot by their noises or you also can't resist to join them. Daily wastage of 3 to 4 hours was normal which may rise in some interesting gossips.
When my dad left, the boys there called me for playing football with them. I was happy that they initiated. Then we played chase and ironically in the morning we were not knowing even each others name and in the evening we were discussing personal issues. I had reached 12 days before the commencement of class to get adjusted in the strange environment.Soon the rooms started filling. First a boy from bareli come then 3 from bihar , 2 cousins shifted in ground flour and 1 bihari in a room just in front of my window. Then a boy from Allahabad with his mother.2 aggressive boys from Delhi arrived and finally at last a boy from Indore. With some initial weird look on each other we all on the first floor had started chatting and became very good friends.
We used to wet each other or had some vehement bloody street fights, injuring each other. In the late nights we used to play chess. One match in which a bet of SAMOSA was there continued till 4 am and eventually the best one i.e me won. Soon we started playing prank all around and annoying each other. My initial time table went good as I managed to woke up at 4 am during the first week but then it scattered. Till the parents were coming the mess food was coming OK OK but when all the parents had left they started sending us TRASH daily. Rotten food, it had no taste it was just utter waste. We started relying on the things which our parents had sent .. cookies, grams , biscuits , laddu and other things.
A military boy joined the last room and left soon but in 2 days we traveled a lot with him , me and amar the bareli boy. I was having a good friendship with amar as he had also came very early and we discussed a lot of things and were having some common interest. The first day we were going to bansal amar said " bansalite to ban gaye ab dekhte hai IITian ban pate hai ki nahi". We entered the tOo cOol 8 floored fully ac huge building. I sat on my bench which was declaring a quote written by some one frustrated " bansalite today naxalite tomorrow " mimicking " bansalite today IItian tomorrow".
Soon the room started flooding with students from all around. From the fairest range to the darkest range , from the tallest to the shortest , from the skinny ones to the most obese . Students of all variety from all part of India started sitting on bench with unfamiliar stranger and there was a pin drop silence in the room. Soon our maths teacher manoj bindal arrived and gave a predictable inspirational speech. The only thing I liked is that " you must make friends higher the level of you so that you can rise your level, don't do friendship with people of lower caliber as you have to adjust your level and came down". He said this in perspective of bansal test's rank. Then the physics teacher Rohit Deewan. I enjoyed the first day and due to my newly inculcated zest done all the homework and study work just after returning.
At the second day when I was playing mobile game from long my old eye problem returned. I was horrified again but expecting its disappearance as last time. I didn't panic that much. I started sitting on the third bench for a good vision as first 2 benches were reserved for girls. And due to some misunderstanding I had to sat on last bench on my 2nd day and I was not able to see even a single letter from there. Our first extra class started just 3 days after coaching and we all were not that much happy. But at that time the coaching time was very well 9:30 to 12:45 but after 1st week one parallel class was introduced which hiked the time from 7:45 to 12:45 but it was just official teacher used to live us at 1 or 1:30 and I struggled a lot to walk by foot in that 48 c temperature. Soon I bought a cycle.
The greatest pain in bansal was if you forgot the position of your cycle in the parking. There used to be at least 7500 cycles and the fellow who lost it found very hard to search it. I had seen some students searching their cycle for more then 2 hours checking each and every row. We can misjudge due to lots of same types of cycles there. Meanwhile all of the students of hostel had enjoying abusing the land lord mess owner and bansal. Due to our familiar mental condition we all had came very close to each other and started wasting lots of time in daily gossiping. This is the prime drawback of living in hostel. If some people are gossiping either they disturb you lot by their noises or you also can't resist to join them. Daily wastage of 3 to 4 hours was normal which may rise in some interesting gossips.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
First step in the hell.....
In our physics HOD's words " you are living in a hell , firstly how early you try to wake still your timetable gets screwed in the beginning of the morning and you wake up very late, you are supplied with a non sense and trash breakfast which hardly you can eat even half. Then you come at the corridor where that frustrated and very sad person keep on shouting " sirf ek hi lena " or " koi bhi do nahi lega " and you are mumbling " sala ek bhi kis se hota hai jo 2 le " then you some how make place at a desk of 3 on which 4 are already seating . Whole the lecture goes above your head but still show how you face it daily then return for the trash food which puzzle you to find what are you eating. You are tired and wants to sleep but you have lots of homework and above all your landlord will always be shouting " shut the cooler , shut the fan , don't open the fridge , don't open my water purifier". So make full use of this hell.
Kota always fascinated me from childhood. Only the genius of the students go there for competitive preparation and emerge out as victors. After each exams results the news papers are flooded with the achievements of kota's cram schools and the quantity is more than enough to impress you. I also had plans of migrating to kota after 10th class but mom's emotional atyachaar ceased my idea. Meanwhile I was enjoying the stories of some fellows which went there and lost their track, started drinking and drugs and selling their bicycles for money. But when I had to take a drop I decided to migrate there for getting an upper hand on others.Although my soul keep on telling me that I must stay here and prepare on my own because I was not able to cope with any of coaching pressure till now. But still I got carried away and left my conscience behind and followed what the mob was doing.
I got a direct entry into bansal with a scholarship of 16k rs and was picked up for X series batch which were supplied with the best faculty. Before going there I had listened a lot about how most of the good faculties of bansal had left the institution and now nothing is left there. Then also only the name bansal was enough and I dropped the idea of joining the institution of those faculties which had left. But my confidence had loosened up when I came to know that bansal is really having some serious faculty problems as more than 25 of their best faculty had left the building.
I reached there at 9 June and was worried how will I search a good room but all of this become very easy as at each house there was a board of 'TO LET FOR STUDENTS'. We just have to inquired about it and this was one of the funniest and interesting experience of my life. We started from vigyan nagar the most popular area of kota. The first house we went was of a retired principle. She was well experienced in " murge phasana ". She was telling that she had also lived in ujjain once a time. The rooms were very tiny and there condition was also pathetic. She was bragging that a son of some collector of bihar is also living here. I heard this statement from many other peoples also I don't know how many collectors are in bihar and why all of their's sons are studying for IIT at kota at the same time. The room rent was 3500 with extra electricity charges. I was shocked hearing such a huge prices because at ujjain we can get almost double the size of the offered room in around 1000rs.
Anyways She was forcing us to register but I whispered in dad's ear " lets go and check some others we can't take the first one offered". Then we saw many other pathetic rooms with huge price. One funny room of almost 5 by 5 was having an AC and fridge also in it. Dad had set three condition for my room . No hostel , at most 3 students , no bihari must be there. It is well known about bihari student that despite they are very intelligent, their mind is very unstable and they play prank all over to annoy and disturb other. We finally selected a single room. It had sufficient space and no one was there to disturb me.
We decided to shift there on next morning but my sister said we should inquire for more rooms for enjoyment. We started searching in the area most near to bansal. Indravihar, I haven't seen such affluent colony in my life. The houses here were very beautiful and looking very expensive. So was the room rent. The rent starts from 5500rs and we had seen some pathetic tiny rooms for 10k also. The hostels were having there price around 6500 to 8500 but they were giving lots of other facilities like they have mess, laundry, television and many other stuff. People were well equipped with emotional arrows like " hum aapke bete ko apna beta samajh kar rakhenge" , " hum iska bahut khyal rakhenge jara si bhi taklif nahi aane denge". We moved to new rajiv gandhi nagar which was a developing colony. Same story was here.
I watched all the rooms except a house which I neglected at the first site. It was not plastered and colored and was looking very 'manhoos' in the first glance. The room next to it was of a school teacher. All the people here used to be middle class people which had bought the plots here and made expensive rooms on home loans. But this is the most smart investment as their loan is paid off in 4/5 years and then they start earning lakhs in a month. The couple looked decent and they were throwing senti arrows on dad. I don't know what the bad luck was but dad got carried away in their talks. I was very much reluctant to join this UP peoples as I was having intuition of their bad spirit. I rebelled that I would not live in this room. First it was expensive 7k per month, second I had to share this room with some one else and I can't tolerate any ones interference in my privacy. But dad some how persuaded me.
We had our lunch there and the food was delicious. I thought it must be a trap. The quality was very nice and even the menu. The landlord was saying this is our normal menu. Dad paid the initial amount and I was not happy because of this. At the very next day we came to that house with all my luggage but the pathetic selfish moron told us that we had to move as he had allotted the room to one of his relative. This was the first disclose of true face of kota to me. Dad became very worried as our luggage was with us and we had no other place to move. Luckily or I must say unfortunately that rejected house had one room left and we moved to there. The room was fine but the house and rent was not. 4500rs seemed huge to me but I consented due to dad's worries. I was reluctant to join those rascals mess but dad was not ready as He was completely trapped in their buttery talks. The mess price was 3000 and they said as we have done wrong with you we will offer you a discount of 500. I was baffled as all the other mess which I inquired were not more then 2000 then all I planned to wait.
The rascals showed there real colors in just third day. For the first two days the food was very delicious and nutritional. It was having lots of green salads and other items were also cooked very well but at the third day we had overcooked chapatis and the rise were uncooked. But till my dad's stay there both the messowner and my landlord were behaving very nice. I was mentally preparing myself for the future tortures that I will be going to suffer from.
Kota always fascinated me from childhood. Only the genius of the students go there for competitive preparation and emerge out as victors. After each exams results the news papers are flooded with the achievements of kota's cram schools and the quantity is more than enough to impress you. I also had plans of migrating to kota after 10th class but mom's emotional atyachaar ceased my idea. Meanwhile I was enjoying the stories of some fellows which went there and lost their track, started drinking and drugs and selling their bicycles for money. But when I had to take a drop I decided to migrate there for getting an upper hand on others.Although my soul keep on telling me that I must stay here and prepare on my own because I was not able to cope with any of coaching pressure till now. But still I got carried away and left my conscience behind and followed what the mob was doing.
I got a direct entry into bansal with a scholarship of 16k rs and was picked up for X series batch which were supplied with the best faculty. Before going there I had listened a lot about how most of the good faculties of bansal had left the institution and now nothing is left there. Then also only the name bansal was enough and I dropped the idea of joining the institution of those faculties which had left. But my confidence had loosened up when I came to know that bansal is really having some serious faculty problems as more than 25 of their best faculty had left the building.
I reached there at 9 June and was worried how will I search a good room but all of this become very easy as at each house there was a board of 'TO LET FOR STUDENTS'. We just have to inquired about it and this was one of the funniest and interesting experience of my life. We started from vigyan nagar the most popular area of kota. The first house we went was of a retired principle. She was well experienced in " murge phasana ". She was telling that she had also lived in ujjain once a time. The rooms were very tiny and there condition was also pathetic. She was bragging that a son of some collector of bihar is also living here. I heard this statement from many other peoples also I don't know how many collectors are in bihar and why all of their's sons are studying for IIT at kota at the same time. The room rent was 3500 with extra electricity charges. I was shocked hearing such a huge prices because at ujjain we can get almost double the size of the offered room in around 1000rs.
Anyways She was forcing us to register but I whispered in dad's ear " lets go and check some others we can't take the first one offered". Then we saw many other pathetic rooms with huge price. One funny room of almost 5 by 5 was having an AC and fridge also in it. Dad had set three condition for my room . No hostel , at most 3 students , no bihari must be there. It is well known about bihari student that despite they are very intelligent, their mind is very unstable and they play prank all over to annoy and disturb other. We finally selected a single room. It had sufficient space and no one was there to disturb me.
We decided to shift there on next morning but my sister said we should inquire for more rooms for enjoyment. We started searching in the area most near to bansal. Indravihar, I haven't seen such affluent colony in my life. The houses here were very beautiful and looking very expensive. So was the room rent. The rent starts from 5500rs and we had seen some pathetic tiny rooms for 10k also. The hostels were having there price around 6500 to 8500 but they were giving lots of other facilities like they have mess, laundry, television and many other stuff. People were well equipped with emotional arrows like " hum aapke bete ko apna beta samajh kar rakhenge" , " hum iska bahut khyal rakhenge jara si bhi taklif nahi aane denge". We moved to new rajiv gandhi nagar which was a developing colony. Same story was here.
I watched all the rooms except a house which I neglected at the first site. It was not plastered and colored and was looking very 'manhoos' in the first glance. The room next to it was of a school teacher. All the people here used to be middle class people which had bought the plots here and made expensive rooms on home loans. But this is the most smart investment as their loan is paid off in 4/5 years and then they start earning lakhs in a month. The couple looked decent and they were throwing senti arrows on dad. I don't know what the bad luck was but dad got carried away in their talks. I was very much reluctant to join this UP peoples as I was having intuition of their bad spirit. I rebelled that I would not live in this room. First it was expensive 7k per month, second I had to share this room with some one else and I can't tolerate any ones interference in my privacy. But dad some how persuaded me.
We had our lunch there and the food was delicious. I thought it must be a trap. The quality was very nice and even the menu. The landlord was saying this is our normal menu. Dad paid the initial amount and I was not happy because of this. At the very next day we came to that house with all my luggage but the pathetic selfish moron told us that we had to move as he had allotted the room to one of his relative. This was the first disclose of true face of kota to me. Dad became very worried as our luggage was with us and we had no other place to move. Luckily or I must say unfortunately that rejected house had one room left and we moved to there. The room was fine but the house and rent was not. 4500rs seemed huge to me but I consented due to dad's worries. I was reluctant to join those rascals mess but dad was not ready as He was completely trapped in their buttery talks. The mess price was 3000 and they said as we have done wrong with you we will offer you a discount of 500. I was baffled as all the other mess which I inquired were not more then 2000 then all I planned to wait.
The rascals showed there real colors in just third day. For the first two days the food was very delicious and nutritional. It was having lots of green salads and other items were also cooked very well but at the third day we had overcooked chapatis and the rise were uncooked. But till my dad's stay there both the messowner and my landlord were behaving very nice. I was mentally preparing myself for the future tortures that I will be going to suffer from.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Struggling to be positive
In those bleak days nothing seemed to be of any optimism. Each time when the thermometer exceeded 99 and I started trembling. Heavy doses of medicines, daily head aches and most of all loneliness. It was very frustrating to stay at a single room when you are ill. No one to share your feelings, no one with whom you can chat. Mom and dad always remained out of house due to their work and meanwhile my room seemed a jail to me in which I was trapped. No soothing breeze, no sound of birds , no more play. Some times I used to sit outside my home but I was very tired and can't manage to sit more than 5 minutes.
Meanwhile the exam stress was blowing my head from inside. In my loneliness, depressing thoughts were haunting me. Thoughts of a bleak future. A future in which I don't have any identity. Each one seemed to be overtaking me and I was helpless crying for help. It was like suddenly my legs were struck by polio while running very fast in a rat race. Even the dumbest student of our class were making fun of me that I got ill in such a crucial point of my life. I was burning in my own fury that these stupid fellows which use to rub their nose in front of me at one point are now making my fun. But this is human nature, when you need help from others most they always deny and bully you .
जो हाथ सफ़लता के दौर में मेरा कधा थपथपाते थे
बुरे दौर मे उनकी परछाई भी पीछे हट गयी
तब मै भीड़ मे अकेला था
आज वो भीड़ भी गुम हो गयी
Some how I was struggling. Even the doctor was baffled. He had tried both the dose of malaria and viral fever but no improvement. He said that even he was unable to understand why this fever is continuing .The typhoid report was also negative. I was just pleading for help from god but god had already decided to punish me. May be he had written this part of my destiny in a very bad mood. I started writing some encouraging poems to keep myself enthusiastic and positive.
मन में व्याप्त अंधेरा सघन
करता भ्रमित हो चला पथ दुर्गम
सुझती न राह कोई
राह लगे न कोई सुगम
आगे बढा जो होकर दिशाहीन
लगे मंजिल दूर, पथ हो चला कठिन
न पा रहा ढुंढ राह सही
चंद राहे लगे भूलभूलैया सी
पथ-भ्रमित राही करें पार डगर
रेगिस्थान में ढुंढे मानों आशा की बूंद
हर भ्रम में हो रहा विचारो का समर
लड़खड़ाया विवेक, थामे पग ली आँगे मूंद
पर छोड़े ना साहस का दामन
जो सींचे सुप्त उत्साह
खिले आशा के फ़ूल , उठा राही मगन
लहलहाया खुशियों का चमन , पुनर्जीवित करे चाह
चला फ़िर वह न थका न रुका
शरीर में हुआ मानों रक्त का नव सचार
उखाड़े कांटे सभी राह के, न अब वह झुका
उर्जित मन, करे हर भ्रम का संहार
बढ चला आगे राही मदहोश मदमस्त
न था अकेला अब साहस आशा हिम्मत विश्वास
सुस्जित सब से करता हर समस्या को पस्त
बढता चला फ़िर, करता मुश्किलो का परिहास
पाकर मंजिल, था न अब वो
जो था पहले, न बदला था कुछ अब
जो था पहले, बदला था बस वो
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
My fever was improving but some minute ribs pain was giving me problems from past few months. I was reluctant to go for a check up as a normal Indian but when I told this about doctor, in first check up nothing came out but when the problem still persisted we went for a x-ray. And the result was pleural effusion. I hadn't read this term before so I googled it on net and found something flabbergasting. The first cause was lung cancer. It was just like troubles from all around. I was transfixed but after this temporary shock I came back to my conscience soon and realized the problem can't be that much serious. I immediately consulted the doctor for the query and he told nothing serious but you have to take medicines for 6 to 8 months. Now that was a huge time and I was hardly disappointed because of this.
At that time only my bitsat paper and state PET test was left and I was nil prepared for this so I decided to take a drop and with out any further thought I applied for BANSAL institute an epitome of IIT JEE Preparation in kota city. Later this decision proved to me one of my biggest mistake but I was well assured that time to blast the JEE paper next year. My jee result was quite astonishing as I managed to get in the EML(extended merit list). Now this was very interesting incident of my life as till last year only 1500 ppls were in it and the expected marks for this was around 165+ and my calculated marks were around 50. So at first I thought either there is a mistake in result or their is mistake in checking and some how destiny has favored me to save a year of mine but soon the joy disappeared as I come to know that around 60k students were in EML.
Any ways it boosted my confidence as many of the students which were preparing hard from 2 years didn't even managed to get in EML and I was in it without any solid preparation. I suffered from severe loose motions for a week and failed to give my local PET and boarded for kota after 2 days with a revival of my hopes and dreams. I was back to a very over confident and procrastination state with just rough planning ,nothing concrete.
Meanwhile the exam stress was blowing my head from inside. In my loneliness, depressing thoughts were haunting me. Thoughts of a bleak future. A future in which I don't have any identity. Each one seemed to be overtaking me and I was helpless crying for help. It was like suddenly my legs were struck by polio while running very fast in a rat race. Even the dumbest student of our class were making fun of me that I got ill in such a crucial point of my life. I was burning in my own fury that these stupid fellows which use to rub their nose in front of me at one point are now making my fun. But this is human nature, when you need help from others most they always deny and bully you .
जो हाथ सफ़लता के दौर में मेरा कधा थपथपाते थे
बुरे दौर मे उनकी परछाई भी पीछे हट गयी
तब मै भीड़ मे अकेला था
आज वो भीड़ भी गुम हो गयी
Some how I was struggling. Even the doctor was baffled. He had tried both the dose of malaria and viral fever but no improvement. He said that even he was unable to understand why this fever is continuing .The typhoid report was also negative. I was just pleading for help from god but god had already decided to punish me. May be he had written this part of my destiny in a very bad mood. I started writing some encouraging poems to keep myself enthusiastic and positive.
मन में व्याप्त अंधेरा सघन
करता भ्रमित हो चला पथ दुर्गम
सुझती न राह कोई
राह लगे न कोई सुगम
आगे बढा जो होकर दिशाहीन
लगे मंजिल दूर, पथ हो चला कठिन
न पा रहा ढुंढ राह सही
चंद राहे लगे भूलभूलैया सी
पथ-भ्रमित राही करें पार डगर
रेगिस्थान में ढुंढे मानों आशा की बूंद
हर भ्रम में हो रहा विचारो का समर
लड़खड़ाया विवेक, थामे पग ली आँगे मूंद
पर छोड़े ना साहस का दामन
जो सींचे सुप्त उत्साह
खिले आशा के फ़ूल , उठा राही मगन
लहलहाया खुशियों का चमन , पुनर्जीवित करे चाह
चला फ़िर वह न थका न रुका
शरीर में हुआ मानों रक्त का नव सचार
उखाड़े कांटे सभी राह के, न अब वह झुका
उर्जित मन, करे हर भ्रम का संहार
बढ चला आगे राही मदहोश मदमस्त
न था अकेला अब साहस आशा हिम्मत विश्वास
सुस्जित सब से करता हर समस्या को पस्त
बढता चला फ़िर, करता मुश्किलो का परिहास
पाकर मंजिल, था न अब वो
जो था पहले, न बदला था कुछ अब
जो था पहले, बदला था बस वो
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
My fever was improving but some minute ribs pain was giving me problems from past few months. I was reluctant to go for a check up as a normal Indian but when I told this about doctor, in first check up nothing came out but when the problem still persisted we went for a x-ray. And the result was pleural effusion. I hadn't read this term before so I googled it on net and found something flabbergasting. The first cause was lung cancer. It was just like troubles from all around. I was transfixed but after this temporary shock I came back to my conscience soon and realized the problem can't be that much serious. I immediately consulted the doctor for the query and he told nothing serious but you have to take medicines for 6 to 8 months. Now that was a huge time and I was hardly disappointed because of this.
At that time only my bitsat paper and state PET test was left and I was nil prepared for this so I decided to take a drop and with out any further thought I applied for BANSAL institute an epitome of IIT JEE Preparation in kota city. Later this decision proved to me one of my biggest mistake but I was well assured that time to blast the JEE paper next year. My jee result was quite astonishing as I managed to get in the EML(extended merit list). Now this was very interesting incident of my life as till last year only 1500 ppls were in it and the expected marks for this was around 165+ and my calculated marks were around 50. So at first I thought either there is a mistake in result or their is mistake in checking and some how destiny has favored me to save a year of mine but soon the joy disappeared as I come to know that around 60k students were in EML.
Any ways it boosted my confidence as many of the students which were preparing hard from 2 years didn't even managed to get in EML and I was in it without any solid preparation. I suffered from severe loose motions for a week and failed to give my local PET and boarded for kota after 2 days with a revival of my hopes and dreams. I was back to a very over confident and procrastination state with just rough planning ,nothing concrete.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
the judgement day...
Finally the most awaited day of my life arrived. The IIT JEE paper, the day which was hovering my life from the past 2 years. It was here, and I hadn't studied anything from the past 14 days. No preparation at all. Almost 95% syllabus I hadn't any idea about it. I was very reluctant to give the paper as I was very weak that time and could hardly sit at a single place for 6 hours.
But dad encouraged me and I decided to give it a try. Early in the morning I had taken lots of tablets and energy supplement. When I reached there my prediction became right. Lots of nervous and anxious student roaming here and there. Their parents were looking more worried. All of my friends were there and we cherished some past thoughts that proved very helpful in that stage. I was panting and sweating a lot due to those high dose tablets. Finally I entered the room. Pin drop silence was there. All the students were gazing each other like we all were the innocents lambs and soon a butcher will gonna thrash us into pieces.
At 9am, I opened the worlds toughest question paper. But I was baffled when I see that all the question there looked quite familiar. What I had thought that I'll not be able to grasp even a single question and this paper looked of very average level. Lots of questions were based on NCERT level and I was able to attempt a few. Slowly my temperature was rising and I was getting weak. I was having some vision difficulties now and a strange darkness was surrounding me every second. For a change I decided to have a look at the surrounding. All the students there look very baffled and surprised. Some were gazing walls, while some other one were chewing their pencils. A few were trying their level best to understand the questions. Few were taking a light nap and some other were making sketches on bench.
I done more then expected in my first paper. As i had already mentally disqualified I had nothing to loose. After the first paper my temperature had increased to 104 and I was feeling very exhaust. I took the second dose of medicines but at the same time a severe attack of migraine hit me. My butt was paining a lot due to that old and damaged wooden desk. I was struggling a lot to have a mental patience. I was getting dizzy and having difficulty to breadth. I kept my head down and forgot about the paper. Finally the bell rang and we were free. All students were describing others about their experience and abusing the paper. Lots of slang and jokes all around. But I was sad. I had dreamed a lot about this day that how confident and happy I'll come out. I'll enjoy the life after this but now this remained a dream only.
My health continue to go down and just before the AIEEE paper 2 weeks after JEE paper it became the worst. Although I was out of tough from more then 1 month but still there was a faint chance of doing average in AIEEE paper and grab something to save a year. I decided to visit a barber's shop to have a hair cut and shave but when I was returning bleeding started from my nose. My dad was worried and he decided I should not give AIEEE exam as it was in other city and I was not in a state to travel. I never felt that much helplessness in my entire life. I was depressed and all the things seemed dark and bleak. No hope , no energy nothing. I waited for this time through out my life and now it was passing and I was not able to do anything . Neither can I prepare nor I can give the exam . The only thing I had to do was to keep patience and wait and I was doing that only.
But dad encouraged me and I decided to give it a try. Early in the morning I had taken lots of tablets and energy supplement. When I reached there my prediction became right. Lots of nervous and anxious student roaming here and there. Their parents were looking more worried. All of my friends were there and we cherished some past thoughts that proved very helpful in that stage. I was panting and sweating a lot due to those high dose tablets. Finally I entered the room. Pin drop silence was there. All the students were gazing each other like we all were the innocents lambs and soon a butcher will gonna thrash us into pieces.
At 9am, I opened the worlds toughest question paper. But I was baffled when I see that all the question there looked quite familiar. What I had thought that I'll not be able to grasp even a single question and this paper looked of very average level. Lots of questions were based on NCERT level and I was able to attempt a few. Slowly my temperature was rising and I was getting weak. I was having some vision difficulties now and a strange darkness was surrounding me every second. For a change I decided to have a look at the surrounding. All the students there look very baffled and surprised. Some were gazing walls, while some other one were chewing their pencils. A few were trying their level best to understand the questions. Few were taking a light nap and some other were making sketches on bench.
I done more then expected in my first paper. As i had already mentally disqualified I had nothing to loose. After the first paper my temperature had increased to 104 and I was feeling very exhaust. I took the second dose of medicines but at the same time a severe attack of migraine hit me. My butt was paining a lot due to that old and damaged wooden desk. I was struggling a lot to have a mental patience. I was getting dizzy and having difficulty to breadth. I kept my head down and forgot about the paper. Finally the bell rang and we were free. All students were describing others about their experience and abusing the paper. Lots of slang and jokes all around. But I was sad. I had dreamed a lot about this day that how confident and happy I'll come out. I'll enjoy the life after this but now this remained a dream only.
My health continue to go down and just before the AIEEE paper 2 weeks after JEE paper it became the worst. Although I was out of tough from more then 1 month but still there was a faint chance of doing average in AIEEE paper and grab something to save a year. I decided to visit a barber's shop to have a hair cut and shave but when I was returning bleeding started from my nose. My dad was worried and he decided I should not give AIEEE exam as it was in other city and I was not in a state to travel. I never felt that much helplessness in my entire life. I was depressed and all the things seemed dark and bleak. No hope , no energy nothing. I waited for this time through out my life and now it was passing and I was not able to do anything . Neither can I prepare nor I can give the exam . The only thing I had to do was to keep patience and wait and I was doing that only.
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