He has finally decided that he no longer wants to continue. “What’s the sense in living if no one wants you or care about you”, he thought giving strength to his newly made decision. He found himself weak now to fight and struggle with the world. He was losing his pace in this never ending race and he feared that he may run alone after a while in a loop reaching no where. “My problems will end with the end of my life”, he thought.
Rohan Mehra, 2nd year student of BE, wasn’t always the same. He used to be a charming and delightful person once who can bring smile and inculcate enthusiasm in any one. But, as it happens with every one he was also in the mob who failed to chase their dream and were now pursuing something that they think is far below their level. His life seemed to be a perpetual struggle to him now, in which he daily dies 100 times but was forced to continue and live without any reason.
Rohan, once a bright student was now struggling to maintain good grades. The burden of his high expectations from himself was now making him exhaust and tired. He was not satisfied with his college, his personal life and his achievements so far. He was fond of comparing himself to other students and whenever he found that any one of them is ahead of him, the competition begins. His desperations to become perfect and better than other always gradually turns the healthy competition into something ugly. And he ended up with losing his confidence, pride and some good people.
He was now in a panic situation and was getting unstable day by day. His parents never leave any chance of reminding him that what they thought of him and what eventually he had become. He was only a source of bragging to them, a show piece that once enhanced their reputation and now was a rejected piece, a reason of disgust to them, a blot on their parenting skills. The girl he admired and fancied, the only source of relief to him in his bleak life had left him and preferred some other guy whose present qualifications were much above him, this further put him into an interminable inferiority. The atrocious pain of rejection continues to slowly assassin the chunks of happiness and confidence left in him.
Further, his future plans, his only hope to excel were putting lots of pressure in him leading to a never ending turmoil. He was in a stage of a dog chasing his own tail, putting huge efforts but reaching no where. But, the most painful thing was his worst nightmare has turned into an appalling reality. A state of having no identity, since childhood he had lived in a heroic stardom. The presence of limelight has made him insecure and afraid of darkness of a common life. He always preferred that people must know him by his name, but now he was just a part of crowd, running in a common race. He has no name, no identity no existence.
The day of his supposed doom started like any other common days. But he wasn’t worried or afraid now as he knew that his problems and pains too have a short life span now. He got up cheerfully from his bed as he was convinced that after this he would go directly into his death bed into a painless sleep forever without any worry of waking at the correct time and rush to go somewhere. He watched his face clearly in the mirror after a long time realizing that how much he has changed in all these struggling period, but physical beauty didn’t matter to him anymore.
Breakfast was having the regular things like taunts and reproaches from his parents. But today he regressed and rebelled. He didn’t put his head down like always listening to poisonous arrows from his dad. Today he was having the courage to argue with them because he knew he won’t be there to face the repercussions. He shouted on his parents and screamed as he never did and he was prepared for the return screams and drama but surprisingly it wasn’t there. Instead, there were tears, in both his mother’s and father’s eye. Tears, not because of being hurt, but tears of regret. His mother hugged him after a long and apologized for being hard on him when they should have been the most supportive. His unintentional rebellion has opened some doors which were locking affection and care of his parents.
College today was also like teaching lessons of life. He was no longer worried about getting low sessionals, scoring less in exams, having proper image and impression in front of teachers. All he wanted to do was just to emit out all the frustration and so he did. He did all the mischief and argued with every teacher providing entertainment to whole class. He argued, was kicked out of class many times and he didn’t care. He was enjoying his revenge, perhaps for the first time college appeared to be any fun to him. He realized that rock bottom was the best place to throw away all the load and enjoy. As things couldn’t get any worse than enjoying the worst would be the best option perhaps.
He was amused that how the last day of his life was revealing new dimensions of living to him. He also met the girl he admired. But today he was not angry at her, neither he was feeling inferior or rejected by any mean. He had forgiven her today as he thought it was just a part of life. He had forgiven her finally, he had let her go, freed herself as well as himself from something useless and painful. Something, he was remembering just to satisfy his ego.
So the time had come, he was about to write his suicide note. He first began with writing that no one must be blamed for his death. A thought occurred in head suddenly, that if no one is meant to be responsible for his death then why is he dying ? He continued that he was hopeless in his life and can’t continue with the struggle and suddenly he realized all the fun he had in college today. He was not sure whether to mention anything indirectly about his failed love life and suddenly he realized the look on his girl’s face, the silence apology from her and the tranquilizing feeling of forgiving her.
He was taken aback by uncontrolled conflicting emotions flowing throughout his body. Many thoughts running parallel, the situation of his parents when they would see his body hanging, the reaction of other friends who care for him though they never showed it and the most disturbing thought was not giving a final shot to his ultimate aim and thereby the ultimate failure. He always believed that when he would die he would have made his name strong enough to be remembered by others and now he was here, on the verge of meeting his death in an oblivion state, even newspaper would have the headline that a boy hanged not Rohan Mehra hanged himself.
Somehow he stood on the stool and just when he was about to hang he watched the scene of beautiful sunset from his window. The sun getting dimmer and dimmer but still shining red. The sun, soon to be overshadowed and captured by darkness for hours. But it would rise again and fill life in every motionless creature. Little birds returning back to their nest after a long tiring day. But the noises and chirping of them were reflecting an urge to rest for a while and then continue again the next day. Slowly the sun vanished from the horizon but even after it was gone, a bunch of rays were still lighting the horizon. He was tranfixed by watching the scene of a few rays fighting with darkness. After a while, the darkness would capture the entire sky, but in the morning the rays would come back and vanish the darkness.
The serene beauty of the scene and the feeling that he should also rise himself were inculcating new hopes and energy into him gradually. He realized that he was a part of crowd indeed, a faceless entity, but many other of the crowd can only dream of the life he is living. He was in a good college in a country where many were deprived of primary education. He was having a perfect healthy body and a sound mind, which many lacks. Many handicap person fought and succeeded and he inspite of being blessed with a perfect body was quitting. He was having prospects of future and no pressure from family while many have to cease chasing their dreams and take responsibility of family.
The only thinga he lacked was confidence and hope. He hanged the dead and hopeless part of him that day. He understood now, that life could have been worse for him, may be it is not as good as it should be but it isn’t as bad as it could be. May be he would fail again but there is nothing such as a last chance, there are always new opportunities, new hopes, and a better tomorrow. Every day comes like a new chapter of life. The suicide note has become a psalm of life to him and he was born from his ashes again. A new transformed, optimistic, ready to struggle guy who won’t quit who won’t die, as life is much more than just a bunch of failure. He was ready to give life a shot again as it is always better to try and fail than failing to try.
