struggle with socialism ...

दोस्ती भी एक धर्म है, विश्वास जहाँ खुदा है।
द्वेष,जलन,खेद,पतन हर भाव से यह जुदा है॥


Another year has passed and my social struggle continues. I am always blamed to be a very non social and some times even a very anti social guy. Don’t know up to what extent these perspectives are true. But the roots of friendship which is strengthen by same pains, sufferings and problem’s where same working place and unfamiliarity with the new system act as fertilizers and catalyst. But soon thorns are spread on the straight path of friendship due to difference in views, self praising and the tendency of dominance and leadership and “I am the best “concept. Ignoring ours faults and over hyping others fault. Ignoring others talent and over praising ours talent. Slowly block politics comes into the act and get nourished by personal disputes and communication gap. It is eutrophicated by back biting and back stabbing which surely reaches other’s ear in an amplified form.

So many times it deviates the concept of an ideal society in my mind. How can you manage to live in a company where every one dislikes you?? Every one having different perspective and prejudices about specific person and some times if you are neutral person then you are stretched like a spring from every side and eventually every block gonna blame you that you are not with them and always favour the other one. So without having any fault you become the primary culprit.

But still we never leave to be a part of society. All this –ve effects are easily nullified and compensated by the strong +ve effect of friendship. A feeling of warmth, intimacy and security is always with you when you are a part of any friendship circle. You are never alone. Your annihilators are also your healers. You have to be a flexible tree to sustain the greenery and beauty of friendship. Straight and rude trees are always cut and blown away by the storms of misunderstanding.

I never understand this that when misunderstanding is developed between people due to communication gap, why they avoid straight face to face talk to clear all the disputes and doubts. People keep on thinking from their own prejudiced mind and blame other without even knowing others intentions and criteria. Soon they avoid and ignore the other person and without any valid reason the delicate thread of friendship are broken. If again it is joined then there are always some knots in it.

रहिमन धागा प्रेम का, मत तोरहु चटकाय।
टूटे से फिर ना मिले, मिले गाँठ पड़ जाय।।

I’ll end the post by a poem written at 31st December 2007 dealing with similar circumstances and in hope of transparent relations in the upcoming year.



हँसते रोते एक और वर्ष गया बीत
अब गाओ खुशिओ और दोस्ती के गीत
बीता हुआ साल बहुत कुछ गया बदल
पंरतु फ़िर से उठ और जा सम्भल
विधाता तो हमेशा ही लेगा तेरी परीक्षा
सामना कर और सुःख की कर प्रतिक्षा
जब टुट गयी थी दोस्ती की क्च्ची डोर
क्यों हो गया था तू निराश, कमजोर
इतनें से सकट में डाल दिये हथियार
क्यो हताश हो मान ली हार
सुःख दुःख का तो चक्र चलता ही रहता
सह लिया जिसने उसी ने पायी सफ़लता
अपने मन मे आशाओं की ज्योति जला
मत सोच तेरे अपनों ने ही तुझे छ्ला
परिस्थिति को ही तु दे दोष
दुसरो की खुशी देख कर ले संतोष
मत रख अपने ह्र्दय में कोइ बैर भाव
वरना बीच मझधार में डुबेगी तेरी नाव
क्यो देता है दोष तु दुसरें को
पहले जीत अपने खुद के मन को
बस तू कर ले एक बार कोशिश
छोड़ अब भूल जा आपसी रंजिश
आ गया नववर्ष आशओं भरा
अपनी उम्मीदो पर उतर तू खरा
बता दे जग को तू क्या है कर सकता
तेरी ईच्छाश्क्ति के आगे कोई नहीं है टिकता
मै तो बस प्रार्थना ही कर सकता हुँ खुदा से
करना तो है सब तुझे अपने आप से
नव वर्ष पर उठ खड़ा हो बता दे सब को
क्या है तु क्यों जरुरत हैं तेरी जग को

KAL SE PAKKA ........

काल करी सो आज कर, आज करे सो अब
पल में परिलय होवेगि, बहुरी करेगा कब

Kabir must be having very kind intentions while he was writing this doha but he was not knowing that later new kind of species are going to generate who will find an logical excuse to escape this doha also. So we modified it as

अभी करे सो आज कर , आज करे सो परसो
परसो भी तू क्यू करे , जब पढे है बरसो ।

Let’s just begin from the very morning. I have to shave or have to bath and suddenly our lazy mind will say “I’ll do it tomorrow”. Tomorrow is the most optimistic word created as it helps us to escape and ignore the load and obstacles of present. If we want to live in present then we have to ignore the work load of present and the best way to do it is to put it on tomorrow.

Procrastination is the most treacherous and hazardous disease. And a major portion of unsuccessful people are victim of this disease. One with good determination and well power may leave alcohol and smoking but leaving procrastination is too tough, almost next to impossible. We are that much entangled in our temporary illusion reliefs that we keep on grinding our own legs with axe while enjoying this thrill but later it gonna hurt ourselves that much that we won’t be able to even walk … just forget running in this everlasting race of survival and winning.

An extract from MAHABHARATA says that once some one came to yudishthira and asked for something. Yudishthira was busy that time so he said that I’ll do it tomorrow. Bheem heard that and instructed all the servants to play music on ‘nagadas’. When yudishthira asked the reason bheem said that now you have conquered the time and death as you are sure you will definitely leave tomorrow and yudishthira realized his mistake. But we people keep on doing the same mistakes again. Leaving work on tomorrow thinking why to waste today’s joy and relief. Then repenting again and making temporary resolution if we are unsuccessful but we derail from our newly chosen right track soon.

After screwing the second mid sems also I realized that the secondary culprit is procrastination habit (primary is of course me)…. I don’t know that last time in which class I was not studying at the last time and since joining college I have stopped studying at the last night also. Making futile plans due to temporary euphoria generated after defeat but deviation again due to worthless temptations. I don’t know I’ll be able to recover from this dreadful disease or not but I’ll surely try my best to give it a fight. So aaj se facebook band, baker karma band , gappe marna band , mobile chalana band aur padhai KAL SE PAKKA ….

Stop forwarding sardar jokes..........

Diwali holidays….. The road becomes long and time very slow. I wanted to rush to my home as fast as I can but as it happens with me always, no bus or van was coming so I had to wait. Lots of autos were buzzing around me but as I’m not a part of VIP league I had to wait for the public transport. Suddenly an auto having an SARDAR driver came near me and asked where I had to go. I told him the destination and asked for the prize just for time pass. He said “give me only 5rs”. Perhaps he was returning to his home and hence he charged very low but the thing which impressed me about him was his talking accent and demeanor. He was very calm and polite and well mannered which usually the driver lacks. A strange respect I was developing for him suddenly the most disturbing instrument my cell phone cried again and it was a sardar joke. For the first time I didn’t laugh, instead I was feeling guilty.

The incident that opened my eye made me realize that it can happen only in India that we disrespect the most patriotic and self respected class of people. There is no point in spreading, forwarding and laughing on sardar jokes as they are one of the most developed and successful class in society. They dominate on entire market, run huge business and hotels all over the world. But spreading sardar jokes become more shameful act when we see the number of sardars in our military. Lots of sardar still joins our military to serve the nation and leave many glamorous careers which we common people can’t even dare. As kiran kher quote in ‘rang de basanti ‘ film “ punjab mein to har ma apne ek bete ko sena mein bhejti hai “. It’s a typical example of internal backstabbing where we weak our own pillar by disrespecting them.

I had read an extract few years back that once some students were traveling in a taxi. The driver was an old sardar. They started cracking sardar jokes to bully him but he stayed calm through out the journey. When they were paying him, he gave them a 1rs coin and said “ I listened all the jokes you were cracking on my community and I had a small task for you. Give this coin to any sardar beggar you encounter in this country”. 12 years has passed and that guy still has that coin which makes him feel guilty daily. The incident shocked me. Ohhh its amazingly true, sardars works on dhabas, drive trucks or any other vehicle , open some garage or repair shop but they never beg. I have heard that those who are unable are being feed by gurudwara’s where as in hindu community begging is a standardized profession. Lots of people physically and mentally fit still rely on others help as they are lazy and lack both self respect and well power.

I recently came to know about the real reason behind calling " sardar ji 12 baj gaye ". I don't know it is true or not but read somewhere that sikh dharam was protector of hindu religion and they used to attack mougles and other anti hindu communities at 12 o clock to save hindu women and treasure. So all hindus used to contact sikh army to save them and they usually attack at 12 O clock. Later some anti sikhs spread these words to tease them and we still promote the trend. So every time U said that u are calling for help to sardars but still it hurts them so please refrain from such acts.

So people don’t injure your own heart.. Bramhins never tolerate when they are called “ muft ka khane wale “ nor do baniyas when they are called miser. So it’s my request to all readers that don’t spread sardar jokes and messages and modify the content before forwarding it.

3 Crushes of my Life ... !!!!

Now it may be surprising news for many. Mayank sharrma and crush… can it be possible ? But yes it is possible, after all I am a normal man and it’s more a proof of my normality. “So how many crushes you have till now “ .. One of the most recently encountered question in past month so finally I decided to laminate and decorate the answer in a post.. Even for the first time I am not sure whether to write it or not. But let me be like an open book. If ever my autobiography is published, media will get good masala.

Umm from where to start? Let me rewind a bit my life. Mayank Sharma…… considered the most sincere and talented student since entering in this mugging system.. So when did it started? I am no any heir of kapoor family to begin love life from 2nd or 3rd class. All of my school life has this bizarre coincidence of making pairs of topper. So I was linked with the second topper of my class till 5th class before actually knowing the meaning of couple or pair. But it was a good feeling. To be explicit, a status symbol. Out of many students you were chosen to link ur name with the second topper. (guess I was lucky, the second topper looked cute that time :P )

So lets start with the first crush. Ironically I came to know about the meaning of word crush in 12th class but it began in my life in most probably 6th class when I was 10 year.And the first thing which impressed me was her percentage in 5th class lolz … marks are just like salary in real life. The more you have the higher your brand value is. I was the wounded tiger that time but my TRP soon reached the height after topping the terminal exam and she was the second topper. So as per the custom and rituals it was mandatory to link my name with her. I was not stable initially but gradually the attraction increased. All maturing boys and girls parted the way that time and we didn’t use to talk with girls. So we can just give gazes and tough looks to each other. We spent 3 years during which I topped she was second topper but haven’t even spoke more than 3 times for 3 seconds. I thought daily to talk with her but couldn’t do it due to shyness and my arrogance.

When I left school, her memories still came with me but faded away soon. I met her two years after in a party. She came and initiated a gossip. I was little nervous and shy and also full of attitude. So I didn’t responded very well to her at that time. Later I felt very guilty and this gave birth to a poet inside me. So I am thankful to my first crush that she nourished my poetic ability my only distinguishable hobby so far. Time just blurred her thoughts in mine, but still she is like a laminated photo preserved in my mental recycle bin.

My second crush was very short. In fact it doesn’t even deserve the word crush but as I have to give a matching title with “ 3 mistakes of my life” I have to include it. Once again it was a girl ( :P has to clear nowadays). A tom boy like arrogant yet beautiful and pretty girl. She was very fierce and vehement and have little dogmatic character. Due to this dominating qualities my crush on her soon got vanished but ironically after I scored 60 out of 60 in 5 tests continuously she had a crush on me ( now you realized the value of marks in student life :P ). Later we both quitted the coaching and happyzz ending.

Now the final crush. A virtual one which just shook my real life that much hardly that I am still shuddering. It was an exceptional one with many vehement repercussions on me that changed an emotional mayank into complete rude rough beast. It started online it propagated shortly online and finally the climax ( ? ) happened online. It started back at those worthless net addiction days of mine at zapak site. She was one and half year elder than me but used to care about me a lot( at least it seemed so ). It was unique in the sense that she was the first girl I talked very frankly after my sister. So it was very fascinating stuff for me. Talking and interacting with girls as hitherto they were alien species for me. But the film ended in the interval with out any climax. Unexpected end , just some sound of broken glasses , a silent seclusion and inner transformation. She inculcated new sense of practicality and ruthlessness in me and I am grateful for this. Like a rainbow she appeared in life after storms and faded away soon. But I keep on reopening these wounds to accelerate me. 3 years back mayank sharma had written a poem which was his only worthy possession that time, very personal but now its futile so it is meant to be public.


लिखने बैठा हुँ पर कैसे बताऊँ क्या हो तुम
मेरे मन की अधूरी तमन्ना हो तुम
पहली बारिश के बाद मिट्टी की महक हो तुम
मरुस्थल में हरियाली का एकमात्र अंश हो तुम
पत्तो से फ़िसलती ओंस की बुंद हो तुम
हिमालय की स्वच्छ निर्म्ल श्वेत बर्फ़ हो तुम
सूर्यौदय की पहली किरण हो तुम
झरने से गिरते पानी क विहमंग द्र्श्य हो तुम
नववधू की खिलखिलाती मुस्कान हो तुम
मेरे जीवन की इकलौती गजल हो तुम
मेरे जीवन की इकलौती आशा हो तुम
मेरी कलम असमर्थ है बताने में की क्या हो तुम
कितना नादान हुँ में कितनी महान हो तुम
इतना निराला व्यक्तित्व होने के बावजुद मुझे दोस्त कहती हो तुम
मेरी यही फ़रियाद है खुदा से सदा खुश रहो तुम
मेरी यही दुआ है सदा तरक्की करो तुम
मेरी यही प्रार्थना है बुलन्दियों के शिखर को छुओ तुम
मेरी यही इबादत है कभी दुखी निराश न हो तुम
क्युंकि चाँदनी में चमकता श्वेत संगेमरमर हो तुम

wait.. it is not the ending :P ... we are Indians and if the ending is gloomy the film is flop. So picture abhi baki hai mere dost :P ..... I just counted the crush which ended. But this player hasn't yet hanged his boot and I haven't counted the running crushes ... CHEERS !!!

I know what you said behind my back....

जो कुंठित थे तुम मुझ से
पीठ पीछे बोल आये
भूल बैठे सामने मेरे दो कान
पीठ पीछे मेरे हजार कान

So what you thought.... you would yell all of your frustration on mine behind my back in someone else ear and I won’t get to know all this…. How can you trust any one else if you yourself are not able to hide your emotions … In front I have two ears but behind my back I have dozens ear with amplifying capacities also. So beware next time before speaking anything about me coz I know each and every thing you said behind my back........

Before you quit reading let me make it clear this is not a personal blog but a piece of advice to all, that there is no point in backstabbing. No one in this present practical world is that much trustable that they will confine your private talks to themselves only. A little communication gap and all the poison you blow would disclosed to the world in an amplified form.

Now let’s get to the root of this backstabbing thing. The genuine cause is the evergreen comparing of people on one’s own illogical criteria. All of us wish that other person must act as per us. We never respect any one’s difference. If we are introvert and other one is witty then he is peculiar and must talk less. Vice versa case is also applicable. We love to judge others and make particular prejudices. And this prejudice propagates and enters into real world through our frustration and acts like backstabbing.

One needs to understand that as there are no similar finger prints so how can two people have exact same characteristics. Each one has the right to act according to them and we are no one to compel them to act as per us. If some one is acting wrongly then what’s the point in yelling behind ones back. We are just putting thrones at the bridge of our relation with them by doing this. Perhaps our suggestion may help the person to rectify his faults and improve his personality. At least we would be on safe side, as if any one hears from some ones else mouth then surely he would misinterpret and your relationship would spoil. Try to limit the conversations between you and other one only and stop the trespassing of any third person. Be transparent in any relation else your character would loose transparency.

Feeling faithless.........

Just opened the new blog post tab and my copy of mid sem of English once again flashed in my mind proudly stamping me as one of the most weak student of English in the whole class. For the first time my hands are trembling before writing a blog post as I have lost a pretty good amount of my confidence and faith. It arises a question mark, to both my literally and creative skills because in the real world people judge you by marks. Marks are the sole criteria of judgment of one's intellectuality, wisdom, potential and skills. But I am now habitual to this situation. It's just a recap of my past flashing again and again. I remember my +2 board result of English. When people who even can't speak in hindi scored much higher than me.

I always object on the reliability of judging one on the criteria of some others limitation. Time is fixed so are the conditions and circumstances yet you want the horse of creativity to fly high with his Pegasus. How can some one roam freely with a tight knot in his neck. All we can do is flail helplessly for breathe in spite of having ample amount of air around us.

One my visualize at present me as a frustrated guy just crying through out his life and hiding his failure by giving futile and vague excuses and to some extent this is correct also. But then also I don't find any logic in this kind of marking system. Students must be judged on their overall performance through out the year and time to time their knowledge level should be checked instead of limiting it to just a 3 hour test. It has created a new category of students which now constitutes the majority.

The last night learners who do not even know what the syllabus is one day before. Do all sort of "JUGAAD" in between, rely on mobile and coffee to wake a night before the exam and some how cross the boundary line with a proud face and broad chest bragging " abe tu to rahne de .... maine bas ek raat pahle padha tha aur dekh itne le aaya jis din shuru se padhunga us din na jaane kya kar dunga". And unfortunately I belong to the same last night mugger category but some how getting off the track and screwing the paper badly at the spot for last 2 years. But before all the bookish positive people started boasting and preaching me knowledge of hard work and optimism I myself declare that I am in a committed relation with study from now onwards but don't know till when......

Don't know how to say .... Trauma of silent lover

जब निहारा था पहली बार तुम्हे
तब भी एक प्रश्न उठा था
अब भी निहारता हुँ जब तुम्हे
वही प्रश्न फ़िर उठता है
इकरार तो कर बैठे खामोशी से
अब इजहार कैसे करे
कभी एकटक देखता रह जाता हुँ
कभी भावनाओ मे बह जाता हुँ
कभी सब कह भी खामोश रह जाता हुँ
बस जो चाहु वो नहीं कह पात हुँ
होठ कपकपाते है, पग डगमगाते है
लाख रोको तो भी आँसू छलक आते है
मेरी खामोशी भी कभी सुनो
मेरी बेकरारी भी कभी चुनो
कितने ही कागज भर दिये
सभी बस व्यर्थ कर दिये
सोचता हु खुद कागज बन जाऊ
खामोशी कलम मेरी, सब लाल स्याही से भर जाउ

When will that tomorrow come .... ??

करा काम दिन भर
सोचा आराम करेगे कल
कल आया आज बन बैठा
बैठ न पाये बस हम

“We work hard for making a better tomorrow and when it comes we again started working thinking the same “

Received this thought provoking message few days back. It just made me to introspect and swim in the ocean of past again and there it was justified. All of us are running blindly in order to take rest some day but that day never comes. We all are earning to build an expensive bedroom, decorated with all type of expensive accessories, a beautiful bed inside it but what we don’t have is the time to sleep on that bed.

When I rewind my life a bit I realize that today was the tomorrow of past time which I used to think will bring peace and joy in my life. But I am still running on a bleak and lonely road with no final destination in lust of having peace and relief one day. Stopped playing outdoor games and online games thinking that I must concentrate on 10th class study then I will enjoy. When 10th class ended I started running for good marks in 12th board and in the hunt of a good college. Scored well in 12th but failed to find a position in good college so took drop thinking after this I’ll enjoy life. Suffered a lot of mental pressure during the drop year but a clear picture of enjoyable life keep on refueling and inspiring me.

Finally the period of ambiguity and uncertainty ceased and I landed in college. Since Infancy I have heard things about college. College has no study, no formalities and discipline. College is the coolest and funniest place where you just hang with friend. But all this day dreaming faded as soon I entered in the college. Nothing changed here except random dresses. I am finding myself here also entangled in the cobwebs of performing well, stay superior, running for the best etc. It doesn’t matter how unfit you are, how much mentally and physically exhaust you are, you have to run else others would leave you behind.

Now these thoughts are hovering me. Is the future also bleak and monotonous? I will fight for surviving in job, different accessories would tempt me, would run behind money to fulfill the desires of myself and my family. When would I rest then? I will keep on working for a better tomorrow and that tomorrow will change into present. It is a cage full of mirrors where we are running behind ourselves but can never catch our image. So I have decided to rest a little, take a proper breathe, avoid the temptation of remaining the topper all around, lets live an average life full of joy, enjoyment and do all the things which I always want to do and not those which I was supposed to do . Some times breaking the rules is also very adventurous and pleasant. So people get off the track, hang your boots for little time and rest on the green grass watching the sun set having blank mind.

An amazing encounter with a little kid ....

This is for the first time that I have put my hands on poetry on observation. The incidence took place nearly 8 years back when I was walking on a road day dreaming suddenly watched this kid, very bleak and gloomy being pushed by his mother to go to school. He was very dejected and reluctant and his mother was in a rush. His two missing teeth were further decorating his sadness and in the evening when he was returning from school he was in some other dimension. He was full of enthusiasm and euphoria and was gliding on the road. I really enjoyed the experience.

रास्ते से गुजर रहा था
ख्यालों में खोया हुआ
कुछ सपने बुन रहा था
जागते से सोया हुआ
तभी नजर उस पर आयी
दिखी वह मासूम परछाई
कदम धीमे, मुख उदास
कंधे झुके , चाल निराश
चेहरा लटका हुआ
कंठ अटका हुआ
मानो किसी स्याह रास्ते से
अनजान मंजिल जाता हुआ
मानो दुख के दरिया मे
कुंठित वह समाता हुआ
माँ उसे खींच रही थी
दोनो की मुठ्ठीया भींच रही थी
पर आक्रोश दोनो का भिन्न था
एक मजबुर दुसरा खिन्न था
अचानक उसने मुँह खोला
दो दाँत गायब थे
उसकी निराशा की याचना में
दोनो सहायक थे
माजरा देख मै काँप उठा
मेरा पुराना डर जाग उठा
मान मनुहार कर हम
राम घर में लाते है
अपरिपक्व राम परिपक्वता की आड़ मे
14 वर्ष वनवास पाते है
शिक्षा ज्ञान का मैदान नहीं
गुलामी की जंजीर है
जहाँ हर उन्मुक्त मन
बेड़ियो मे जकड़ जाता है
वापसी मे इत्तेफाक हुआ
वही नजारा पुन हुआ
इस बार बच्चा आगे
माँ पीछे थी
कदम तेज, मुख मस्त
कंधे तने, चाल चुस्त
चेहरा मुस्कुराता हुआ
कंठ गुनगुनाता हुआ
वही दो गायब दाँत
मुस्कान की शान बढा रहे थे
निराशा की याचना के बदले
प्रसन्नता के गीत गा रहे थे
मुझे देख वह हँस पड़ा
फ़िर वह आगे बढ़ चला
ताकता गया मै चकित खड़ा
वह आगे बढता चला
वह आगे बढता चला

Gandhi's soul must be crying today ...

I do not want to entangle in any argument with my past friends who know me as a very anti gandhi personality. Though I am ready to face the question " tum RSS wale gandhi ji ko kyu tribute de rahe ho" as some people has misconception that all anti gandhi people belong to RSS. I do not support any of gandhi ji's political decision but I admire him more as a social worker, philosopher and a man with a mission to serve and save mankind. His work to upgrade and reform backward people are remarkable. I will also mention a special tribute to one of my ideal Lal Bahadur Shastri whose neglect is ubiquitous on this day. Sometime I felt I have no right to object on such a big personality as I haven't yet taken a single step to serve this world sometime else I got carried away in emotions.

Two great persona of Indian history were born on the same day but we celebrate it more as a holiday. The primary source and initiator of PAAP the money now has symbol of gandhi ji,what can be more ironical thing? Our present politics is just contrast to what it was during gandhi ji's and shastri ji's era. That time politicians were server and building nation now they are just serving and building their self. I do not want to go into must depth. May be some day later I'll elaborate my contra views in a decent manner. A poem I had written back in 2007 can convey best my feelings.




.
क्या मिला उसको इतना त्याग कर
क्या मिला उसको तन मन न्योछावर कर
विकसित भारत की थी जिसको आस
आज वहीं हो रहा उसका परिहास

दिलाया जिसने खादी को सम्मान
अनुयायी उसी के कर रहे खादी का अपमान
नींव जिसने विश्वास की डाली
उसी के अनुयायीओ ने उसें खोखली कर डाली
रो रहा है गाँधी आज

भगवा और हरे के बीच
जो था शांति का सेतु
उसी के अनुयायी ने ही ढहाया
धर्म जात के नाम पर भाईयो को लड़ाया
रो रहा है गाँधी आज

कब बनेगा सपनो का भारत
कब आयेगा देश में अमन
कब मिलेगा सबको न्याय
कब बंद होगा धर्म जाति के नाम पर अन्याय
जब तक नहीं होगा इन बुराईयों का खात्मा
तब तक रोती रहेंगी वह आत्मा

WE ARE GOD !!.... BOW DOWN

पानी उबालना आता नहीं
चाय बनाने की बात करते है
जमीन से उगे नहीं
हवा में उड़ने की बात करते है
पंख अभी निकले नहीं
फडफड़ाने की बात करते है
दो कदम अभी चले नहीं
दुसरो को कुचलने की बात करते है


God is supposed to be perfect. But wait …. Is god the only one, not at all? There are plethoras of self proclaimed perfectionist who can make you dizzy in just one shot of them. I don’t know from where they bring that much confidence that without any shyness then can self praise themselves for hours and on any topic. They just show off like they are equipped with each and every talent present in this world and they can do it with such preciseness that you wouldn’t be able to find any fault in it.

Ironically these self proclaimed superior people fall right on their nose many times but they will market this downfall also as an achievement. They can praise themselves continuously without eating and sleeping because this is their only talent and they fully utilize it. Somehow if you are able to endure their ‘atyachaar’ then also they won’t quit. Their most effective weapon will thrash you into pieces.

“ abe tere ko ye nahi aata , ye to bahut simple hai “ …. “ sale ye nahi kar paya tu … doob mar “ … “ abe ye to bahut easy tha ye nahi hua tere se “ .. yes people I am talking about their perfection and the habit to find faults in other as we say in Hindi “ kide karne ki aadat “ . Despite the fact that this class of people had neither achieved anything nor have they proved themselves yet they will keep on poking their nose in others matter and try to mold others as per their criteria. Many a times there noses are cut but they continue their daring.

Now important question arise. How to deal with these kinds of people? As they are part of society and not in minority we have to face them. Ignoring them is not a solution. So far what I use to do and found very affective is to be in rhythm with them when they self praise. This kind of light taunts may make them feel guilty and they would try to refrain from their natural instinct for some time . Statements like “ aap to mahan hai” ,” hum to aapke pairo ki dhul hai “ , “ arey jab aapne kaam kiya hai to galat kaise ho sakta hai “ , “ aap se behas ki gustakhi hum kaise kar sakte hai “ are very effective tools so do try it else these self proclaimed gods will crush you by their ‘chamatkars’ daily.

I am sorry ... am I ??

मेरे मित्र न तेरी चलेगी न मेरी
फिर क्यों तलवारे खीच ले
चल आ गले लग कर
नम आँखों को मींच ले

my facebook status few days back

" Don't let emotions always hover on you... choose the correct market to publicize ur emotions .. mark downfalls on sand so that they remain temporary in ur memories and good experience on stones to have permanent impressions"

The harder you try to flail in the sea of emotions to come out, the deeper you go inside it. Many times I found all my surrounding completely trapped in these emotional tornadoes destructing their mental piece and nerves. I am not an exception either but yet I can proudly brag as I have good control over all my emotions and never let myself to bow down. But some time circumstances become very vehement and you feel helpless. These emotional storms just seize your peace and make you unstable so that you can’t enjoy any essence of joy at that time.

Why these things happen? Not going in too much depth of it but one of the most common reasons is to being hurt by someone close to you. You don’t really bother if someone strange or less familiar act harsh to you but even a single hard step shown by your close one pierces your heart vehemently. You feel helpless at that time keep on thinking why this damn thing happened with me. These emotional wounds and pain make you suffer more than any snake bite, and there is no permanent heeling for them.

The only culprit I found in these circumstances is expectations. We expect a lot from our close ones and when they fail to perform at par, we lost our temper and entangle in emotional assaults. We forgot all the good memories and time that with share with them. All sort of help and other stuff that they have done especially for us and keep on saying “ usne mere sath aisa kyu kiya”. Some revenging people even start planning “ ab batata hu use .. aisa sabak seekhaunga rota rahega jindagi bhar “. We don’t contemplate the situation the way it should be and we can’t blame ourselves as we have lost the control on our nerves. Tears may give temporary relief but soon the intensity of pain increases at an alarming rate till there is a communication gap.

Since past 6 years I have been a favorite victim of this new widespread epidemic. Time to time I have been indulge in this bizarre and worthless activity wasting lots of time and weakening me internally. I never understand why people misinterpret me that much. Some rare monuments of double standard I always found in my social life who think that they can pull my leg as forcefully as they can( come on people it’s not made of rubber) but can’t endure even a touch of mine( d0n’t misinterpret it . I’m not gay) . It always introduces a mental trauma, whether I should socialize or remain aloof. My internal being of superiority always deviate me to opt for later one and 9 out of 10 time I would go with it. Still I call my friends ( no matter whose fault was it , ur or mine ), tell them I am very sorry and you were right to vanish this communication gap and found new bridge of understanding. I place my attitude in side and bow down and I found no harm in it. So I am sorry … am I?? You have to think that.

R you impressed ??

जो न थे वो बनने की चाहत में
क्षणिक प्रभाव की राहत में
शीशा देखा तो चौक उठे
खुद को भुला बैठे खुद की ही चाहत में

“You never get a second chance of making a first impression “

This quote always seems scary to me as it conveys the meaning of giving a concrete impression on any one in the first encounter to mark good prints of yours personality, so that when rescanned the outcomes are clear and positive. But is it always possible to impress someone in the very first meeting? First of all, if the counter person is attractive or talented, in both the case you gradually lose your confidence and fail to act at par with your potential.

Another question which haunts, how should you be packed before representing yourself to the other? Should you act the same way you are or you must modify and mold yourself trying to impress the other one. It was a nice extract of the TV show “ the suite life of zack and cody” that whenever cody tries to talk with a beautiful girl he starts talking peculiar, very long and awkward stuff, stammering and farting. It depicts a much generalized picture of our social life. We are always very shy and don’t know how to communicate and socialize with strangers. Initiation of a talk appears much difficult, same as we keep on gazing our course book for hours before exam but never dare to open it.

But we never focus on the mental trauma of the other person. He is also entangled in the cobwebs of same mental trauma. He also thinks the same. He too is over concerned about his image and the kind of impression being reflected from his demeanor. Barring some over smart, self praising people who keep on shouting and praising themselves, a major portion of the mass faces similar difficulties while talking with strangers.

With the initiation of my college life when I decided to hang my arrogance and attitude and initiate good relation with all, I faced a very queer situation when lots of people started misinterpreting the way I use to act. Some say I have very artificial and fake accent and some other even doubt on my character as I faced some very harsh rebuff. I decided to do a deep introspection and contemplation and came to conclusion that I should act the way I am. There is no point in living a masked life just to please someone. People must learn to accept you the way you are. Some may like you some may not. Its neither a compulsion on any one to praise you nor you can compel them. So choose a group of your matching frequency and enjoy the life at its best, gradually upgrading yourself rather than changing yourself for pseudo impressions.

Bald it like Beckham

ना जांचो किताब को पन्नो से
न आंक पाओगे उसे फिर छंदों से
बाहरी चमक से जो आँखे चुंधिया जाये
तो फिर भीतर के हीरे कहा से पाये

“ man , you have sexy hairs “
“ ek dum shahrukh jaisa lagta hai yar .. mast baal hai tere “
“ ek dam alag hairstyle hai teri “

Above references reflect a clear image of one of my highest achieved possession and how possessive I always was (better say is) for my hairs. But guess some joys have hidden pain packages for life time. My temporary beauty gave permanent wounds and pains after they started vanishing. Hairs were one of the supreme parts of it. But since I’m losing them and it’s inevitable I can just minimize my pain by thinking positive. If we can’t find any shiny side then better to polish the dark ones.

First benefit is having a separate identity. No longer a part of the mob. All of them are having hairs but you do not. People can easily recognize you by the adjectives “ wo ganja “ .. “ that baldy “ .. “ wo chand “ .

No wastage of money and time on shampoo, conditioning and oiling. No tension of dandruff and other stuff.

No more gazing of mirror for long hours thinking “ mere baal acche nahi lag rahe” … “ ye hairstyle theek nahi hai change kar leta hu”

No more long waiting at barbers shop where people discuss everything from parliaments to pigs .. selection of Indian cricket team to reviews of new movie released .. finance of America to recession in india .. from poets to pen cakes .. a complete free news channel covering whole world and even alien and ufo stuff.

No more attraction towards girls and feeling insecure about your personality. This seems the ultimate advantage. You can concentrate on your grades and other stuff coz you no longer bother about your personality and your impression on other.

You are in league of rare personalities like Michael Jordon, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Andre Agassi, stone cold, Rooney and many others…

Lastly no tension of having white hairs, hair fall and getting bald coz you are already on the extreme stage.

After thinking a lot and paining my nerves finally I came to conclusion that there is no need for any conclusion. Hairs though an important part in ones personality but comprises only a negligible part of it. I can fill rest of the gaps to cover this weakness in which I have no control. I’m privileged to have head which lots of people lack seriously only the cover has blown off. So it would be better to give more emphasis on study , career , personality improvement and enrichment and enhancing knowledge from different dimension rather than crying on worthless problems. So people I don’t care how beautiful your hair are , I am bald and beautiful and I don’t give a damn to it.

Having no talent is also a talent.....

इस जटिल जीवन में
हर हुनर के कद्रदान है
पर बिन हुनर के जीना भी
क्या किसी हुनर से कम है

“So what talent do you have “.

This question always confuses me but I have frequent encounter with it again and again in my life. Is having a talent become necessary in surviving or survival in this complex world is also a talent. All your surroundings have people filled with immense talent both masked and unmasked leading you to feel inferior in your frame of reference. At the same time you are the source of envy to someone else. Talent is never a generalized thing rather it depends more on ones perspective. Talent must be publicized on an apt platform else only negative outcomes will come.

In reference to the question referred above some frequent answer that I have encountered yet are “ ummm can’t say exactly but I can sing well “and a little trailer of his singing will put you in the stage of utter inferiority and envy. “Nothing serious just a few thing I can play on guitar “and then your friend gonna play all the complex tune on guitar which you have liked always and dreamed of playing ones. “talented …. It is your quality yaar I can just do a little dance” and next day the fellow gonna rock the dance floor making you transfixed and stupendous.

Writing , which so far I was considering as a unique quality of mine also betrayed me. Lots of young prodigy having writing skills so better and a very different taste is hovering me now. Some thoughts of highest quality are nourishing in the land of creativity of many of my contemporaries having some aid from their own obstacles and life experiences. The count of multi-talented people is increasing at an alarming rate so that we talentless people are in danger of extinction. We desperately need some reservation help now. Same person is writing poetry simultaneously playing guitar and singing, a rock band in a single entity.

But it all depends on ones perspective how he deals with these new challenges. A record is always meant to be broken so one mustn’t content with his small achievements. Self praising and arrogance are the keys of one’s demise; instead one must be working on his betterment again and again. We can’t run away from this race rather we are compelled to keep on moving again and again. But we must felt privileged that every step is a lesson in this race and learning never stops here. To have a different persona in the mob we have to reframe ourselves enhancing our unique and different qualities or sowing seeds of new ones.

But do make sure not to cover yourself with rust of proud. Keep enhancing you talent thinking you are talentless. Don’t compare instead compete. I stopped feeling inferior after the resolution of upgrading my talents i.e. writing instead of poking my nose in someone else’s talent. I stopped imagining myself with all the talents of sachin,Jackson,ronaldo, amitabh and others. I’m myself in a single frame of reference and I do not have to change myself for a pseudo impression on anyone else’s. A mirror can judge me best so no need of limiting myself and judging from others criteria. So those people having lots and lots of talent here I am bragging that I have the most unique talent that is a null talent coz I haven’t any perfection in any talent but always in a constant up gradation process.

cupid's arrow strikes again....

Indian students have always a good resistance against cupid. But with the beginning of this new century our defense has gone some what week. Teenagers are more prone to cupid's arrow. Although the arrows are always blocked by a thick and strong wall of shyness, self-respect, arrogance , parent's instructions and some healthy dreams. Still colleges and schools are gradually turning into dating spots . Facebook and orkut are providing a good virtual platform from this. Soon we will have virtual marriages and virtual children.

" Couples and couples are everywhere but true couples are very rare". With the shortening of family, students are seeking for a good mental support if they have no evil intention. Some use it as a status symbol and brand value. It is one of the most costly maintained status symbol though. Anyways all of us need a good time pass. After all we can't do study or watch idiotic serials on TV the whole day. Teenagers are always confused between opposite sex attraction and love. Love is just like the term infinity. It can be never defined but it exists and is of imperative nature in life's calculation.

Most of the people face the same difficulty, like buying a new mobile which was attracting you from many months. But when it is in our hands it doesn't look like anything special. The newer models started attracting us and we started comparing it with other ones and find our one inferior. The youth always lacks a proper commitment as they never know how to balance and manage their new relationship. Ultimately the relation collapses, giving some wounds that can never be healed and some good experiences.We emerge out much more matured and stronger after any such events. Real love at virtual platform are creating real tears in eyes.People loves at facebook , fights at facebook, departs at facebook again patches up at facebook and finally say ALVIDA at facebook.

We all have to keep on moving in life. New school , coaching or workplace.Even adding someone from facebook or orkut. Cupid is always waiting to shoot our delicate delicate organs by his arrows. New crush at every new place crushes our determination and concentration. But it is always inevitable ( as long as you are normal), side effects are optional though. But the thick layer of self respect and shyness hinders the nourishment of any new relation. The main villains are our friends and company who are always seeking the chances to pair our name with any one else. No offense to them as we do the same. These friends are always spying on us and we helplessly can't do anything. First they never leave us alone and our beloved one is also never alone. How to initiate we never know ?

Time flies with high speed. Either they are already booked giving a boost to our envy or just sharing of some glance to each other. Going with determination daily to find some ways of initiating talk but come back with empty hands and frustrated mind. Cupid is just like our politicians. He initiates but never propagates any thing.He left us in this ambiguous position. Soon our crush departs from us and we can just forget them nothing else. A poem i have written on this and the only remark till now I got is "bakwaas" or trash. But still it describes what I want to convey.......


पहली बार मिलन नजरो का
आरंभ तभी आपसी नखरो का
पल भर मे ही फ़ेर ली निगाहें
पर दोनो का दिल कुछ और ही चाहे
हुई शुरु फ़िर एक अनकही अजीब दास्तां
न कोई मंजिल बस एक हसीन रास्ता
कभी हमारी नजरे उनसे बतियाने की करती कोशिश
दिल और दिमाग में रहती हमेशा एक रंजिश
कुदरत की भी अजीब ही थी साजिश
हर अदा मे उनकी थी एक कशिश
इस खामोशी में था एक अजीब कोलाहल
बड़े रंगीन बड़े मदहोश थे वे पल
दूसरी ओर भी फ़िजा का यही था रुख
उनकी तिरछी नजरे , फ़िर लजाया हुआ गुलाबी मुख
उनके खामोश होंठ पर बोलते हुए नैना
शांत मुख मन बावरा अजब अनोखी रैना
जल रही उधर भी प्रेम की अग्नि पावन
समा बैचेन बेकरार पर था मन भावन
रही खामोश ये दो दिलो की बोलती दास्ता
दिल का न रहा कभी जबा से वास्ता
हुआ नही दोनो तरफ़ से इजहार
पहले आप पहले आप, लज्जा भयवश दोनो लाचार
इसी कशमकश मे वक्त गया बीत
रह गये तन्हा मिला न मीत
गुम हो गयी यह बेनाम बेजुबा कहानी
आये जब याद लगे सुहानी

RAGGING: A MENTAL SICKNESS

In September 02 Anup Kumar, 19, committed suicide by hanging himself from a ceiling fan at his residence in Kanpur. In his suicide note, Anup said that he was going through mental agony due to the sexual harassment by second-year students of the Institute of Engineering and Technology, Lucknow, in the name of ragging

On 7 March 2009, Aman Kachroo, 19, a first year student of Dr Rajendra Prasad Medical College, Tanda, Kangra, HP, India, had repeatedly complained to his parents about the brutal ragging that took place on the Medical College campus — often by completely drunk third-year students. On Friday night and Saturday morning (March 6-7, 2009), the boy was beaten so badly that he died of brain hemorrhage

Satwinder Kumar, 28, ended his life on 3 March 2010. He was a student of the Advanced Training Institute, Mumbai. In his suicide note he named seven seniors who had ragged him so much that he left for home for Kurukshetra rather than take mid-term exams. Before he could reach home, he committed suicide by throwing himself before a goods train in Rajasthan's Jhalawar district

I can just finish my post with these 3 news also as they explicitly define the whole situation. What kind of legacy is the newcomers of college are receiving and how it continues to run every year? Every year the joy of getting into a good college is replaced soon with the fear of ragging. Parents shudder more than their wards. College authorities also have strain on their mind as they have stress of managing this social sickness.

I always have this peculiar feeling what whoever had started this ragging custom has nothing ill in his mind. I mean we all are very reserved and conserved till our school life. We don’t know how to interact with the outer world and how to describe ourselves in front of others. Many of us are having hidden talents but they are never shown up as they are covered with a thick layer of shyness and hesitation. A forced introduction by any senior may help to bring some unusual and hidden talents of us or at least we will be able to communicate with others and interact comfortably with rest of the strange world then.

But it eventually deformed and turned into a social evil when it involved physical then mental and finally sexual harassments. It has more become like a JEHAD whose meaning no one knows but love to do that. I felt ashamed when my friends currently senior to me love to say “ maar ke rakh di juniors ki class mein ja kar “ , “ abbey bahut maja aa raha hai ragging lene mein “ , “ aaj fir tang kiya in baccho ko “.Ironically this all were having crying faces last year on the name of ragging. I’m lucky as till now I haven’t been ragged. My college is very strict and even the seniors are very good. Our director had given a speech on ragging at the invocation function referring it as a mental sickness of senior to exploit their juniors. Our college was also full of sign boards having message “welcome freshers “or “instructions of no ragging and repercussions of it “. It was really shameful to watch that how this introductory formality have become a hectic evil.

The only measurement can be this that seniors must remember their own faces while taking anyone’s ragging how they were thrilled and horrified last year. How insecure they were feeling while entering into the campus. The parents of seniors must advise their wards to refrain from any of such futile and trash activities. Their one immature step for enjoyment may devastate their whole future. Ragging rules are not stricter and they are being followed also. So we must vanish this social blot as fast as we can. Juniors must be having smiling face with full of enthusiasm and zest while entering college and not worried faces with insecurity in mind and trembling legs and parents must have broad chest rather than a stressed mind and burdened shoulders.

RETURN OF ARJUN SINGH.....

So what you people thought.... is arjun singh's time over . Not at all. Few years back his greed for chair threw the country into more backwardness and hindered our growth by OBC reservation bill. Lots of strike and opposition to it but all were in vain and government some who succeeded to implement the cobwebs on our nation's growth for there hunger of ruling. Arjun Singh played the key role in that but the "chanakya " himself got outplayed and he was discarded later.

We have lots of rejected people who when united can form a political party major one include amar singh , uma bharti , arjun singh , kalyan singh , vivek oberoi , saurav ganguly and many others. So what must be arjun singh doing now. His silence has already broken the backbone of congress party on Bhopal gas tragedy. If someday Arjun singh started to think of coming in charge again what could be his possible plan.

Reservation, that's for sure. It is the most easy to use and handle technique of politics with a guaranteed result. But where can he further implement it. It seems like all the possible places are already hit by this "bramhastra". But arjun singh can always do magic and this time also he must be thinking something different yet powerful.

Our cricket team , may be it is his first target. We are achieving a lots of success and even money also. It could be the best way to promote reservation. So out of 11 players , 2 seats for each ST,SC and OBC must be reserved. Captaincy must be rotated alternately between this reserved candidates. There must be special relaxation for out of form reserved candidates. They can't be dropped from team until having an batting average below 2 and bowling average above 100. And if dropped from the team then also they will receive equal amount of money win by the team. Same restriction will be on the AD films. Companies have to take these reserved cricketers for promoting there products and have to give them lifetime payment . Media will have to do the same. Highlights the achievements of these reserved ones.

Arjun Singh will definitely plan for reservation in our indian movies also. The working crew must have 16% sc ,14% st and 20% obc reservation. Script writer , dialogues , music all will be done by reserved category ones. And producers must have to give them life time payments for acting in his films. But if the producer is a reserved guy then the reverse case will happen. All the leading actors must have huge cut offs in their payments and the character actors will have to work free. Media will have to promote their films without any publicizing fees. Same thing on radio and other promotional agencies. Even he will plan for a compulsion for general people to watch those films.

What can be the last thing. It seems like all the thing has done. But wait, there is a huge online revolution all around. All peoples are using facebook and orkut and some of them don't approve others friendship request. Perhaps this thing can also do the trick for him. An online compulsion, each users facebook account will also be brought into reservation. There can be plenty other things also. Arjun Singh's silence is a sign of the upcoming reservation tornado which gonna struck the country so vehemently that no sign of progress will be saved.

The "man with the vision" rahul gandhi took his words back after initially trying to move on his fathers footprints. Even kapil sibbal had also quoted at that time " we will not do anything which will hinders our country progress " but now he is the supreme advocate marching the flag of backward peoples. Who really is backward I never understand, a poor general farmer having nothing to eat or a IAS collector being benefited from the reservation.Even the government planning to have a religion based reservation. Government will continue adding more castes for there benefits and India will be dividing daily mentally , physically and constitutionally.

Failures are Temporary ,so is depression

Failure and depression both have a vice versa relation. Failure results in depression and depression results in failure. We all have to face a very bleak situation in some time. Few months back I was also entangled in the cobwebs of depression. Those were very bleak days in which none of the beautiful things of life seemed to give any kind of tranquility to me. And its not the story of only me. From a school student to a young one struggling for job. From a tired engineer to an exhausted doctor . From a busy professor to a puzzled housewife. All of us are getting crushed in this fast running life. Our legs cramped while running in this rat race but we wished to continue and we are compelled by expectations of other and of ourselves. Back in those days I had written a poem to describe my present condition and to haunt me so that I can continue to run in the race. Even this poem was written in overconfidence as I was expecting the contrast situation to happen but a part of my mind was knowing that it might ultimately become true and so it became

खुली आँखे तो सामने पायी दुनिया अलग
न कुछ बदला, पर सब था अलग
मै भी वही, सब भी वही
लगा पर सब नही जैसे पहले
सोचा हुँ किसी और जग मे कही
लग रहे सभी बदले-बदले
नीला प्रकाशित आसमान, देता था जो उत्साह
आज प्रतित हो रहा काला गहरा स्याह
मंद-मंद पवन जो ऊर्जा थी देती
आज तुफान के थपेड़ो सी प्रतित होती
कल-कल बहता पानी था जो गतिमान
लगा आज थमा सा, बिल्कुल बेजान
बढा आगे फ़िर दिखे चेहरे जाने पहचाने
आया जितने पास लगे और वे अनजाने
हुआ महसूस फ़िर वे तो वहीं है ठहरे
मेरी ही झुकी हुई है नजरे
न है उनकी नजरो मे मेरे लिये मान
क्योंकि लुप्त है मेरा निज स्वाभिमान
तीक्ष्ण नजरों के कटाक्षो और व्यंग्य बाणो के खिलाफ़
न थी मेरे पास कोई साहस की ढाल
क्योंकि था जब मेरे पास सबसे बड़ा हथियार
होता अचूक जिसका हर वार
वक्त जिसका मूल्य न मैने जाना
करता उपयोग तो था पाना ही पाना
पर उसी वक्त का हुआ मुझ पर वार
मिला न अवसर कैसे करू फ़िर प्रतिवार
गया मै वही जा ठहर
होती गयी दुर मंजिल हर पहर
आज हुँ खड़ा उसी पथ पर
किया शुरु जहाँ से सफर
सोचा था चलूँगा मै अकेला
पीछे कारवा बनता चलेगा
पर रह गया मै पीछे
कारवा बना और बढता चला गया
आज इस मोड़ पर सफ़र के
दिखे कुछ न आगे न पीछे
है पछतावा आँसू है है अंधियारा
बढ रहा निराधार, सामने अंध गलियारा
आज याद आता हर वो क्षण
जो बहाया पनी के जैसा
निकलता पानी नैनो से अब हर क्षण
पर जो बोया पाय भी वैसा
जिंदगी बस एक औपचारिकता महज
होगा कुछ न अब सरल सुगम सहज
रोज उठ कर सूरज के साथ
श्याम ढले ढ्ल जाता हुँ मै
अपनी ही राख से उभरकर
रोज पुनः जल जाता हुँ मै

Few days back I met the ultimate failure of my life. I was imagining this kind of life from my childhood that what if I failed . What kind of life it would be. There will be no support from any one. I would be discarded and no one will pay any heed to me. But when this eventually became true. The situation was not as I had expected. Nothing had changed. Although I faced some hard criticism from my family and some of the people having profit/loss philosophy disrespected and demoralized me a lot. But the main thing was that I wasn't broken. I revived my enthusiasm and zest back. Failures are always temporary. And in some part of your life you really need them. Had I been not failed , I will remain arrogant and over confident but one failure put me back to the basics. I introspect a lot and came out as a much better and strong person. Written a poem in those days to keep moving ....

निकला था जब डगर पर
द्र्ढनिश्चय और विजय की प्रतिज्ञा कर
आत्मविश्वास और इच्छाशक्ति से सुस्जित
जिगर मजबूत,मन तैयार करने जीत सुनिश्चित

राह के मध्य ही लड़खड़ाये कदम
थमे पग लगे सब छ्द्म्म
बीच मझदार ही अटकी नैया
दिखे न साहिल, क्या करे खैवय्या

तपे तन, मायूस मन गया चैन
घबराया दिल, दिमाग सुन्न, अश्रुपर्वित नैन
बीच राह ही छोड़ी आशा
मन मस्तिष्क चहु और निराशा

सोचा फ़िर हारने से पहले ही
क्यो मान लूँ हार
है जान जब जिगर में
करता रहुँ तब तक वार

ना पलट सकता अब मैं
सफ़र के इस मोड पर
क्यों ना लगा दू पुरी ताकत
शायद पहुँच जाउँ उस छोर पर

बीच में भागने पर क्या मिलेगा
लो ठान तो पहाड़ भी हिलेगा
हारने से तो अच्छा कोशिश करना
पहले ही क्या हार से डरना

क्यो न भीड़ जाऊँ पुनः जीजान से
क्यो न जुट जाऊँ पुन: ठान के
क्यों न करु कोशिश सच्चे मन से
क्यो न चलू पुनः खुद की ताकत जान के

बढाये पग जैसे ही कुछ दुर
लौट आया चेहरे का नूर
दिखी मंजिल चंद कदमो पर
झूम उठा शरीर का अंग हर

पहुँचा जब अपने गंतव्य
लगा सफ़र ही था भव्य
सिखा दोबारा उठना , चलना और लड़ना
और धारा के विपरीत बहना

So people each time you failed and decided to quit, just think once you can be very near. May be you have dug 10 km and then decided to quit with gold only few meters away. Just remember your first bicycle ride. You fall many time. Many a time you decided to quit. Many wounds and injuries keep on motivating you to command a bicycle and eventually you ride on the track of success and satisfaction.

बार-बार उभर में पुनः जला
बार-बार जल मे पुनः उभरा
हैरान खुदा भी पुछ बैठा
क्या है मेरी रजा

ATITHI TUM KAISE AAOGE ??

If a “chipku” type guest entered your house it is difficult to throw him away. Gone are those days when we used to say " atithi devo bhav" . In the present fast running life, we have no time to show hospitality to our self then how can we bother to give even the traces of our precious time to an unwanted guest. The qualities of an unwanted guest are :

1) He is UNWANTED grrr . " There is no need of you in my house . Get the hell out of here."
2) He uses and touches things which he isn't supposed to do. Your precious thing . Those things which even you are scared of touching and do not allow any nasty friend or your siblings to touch.
3) He watches TV when your favorite programs are coming.
4) When he comes out of your toilet you need oxygen mask to enter their with tons of perfumes spray.
5) You have to buy sweets and other stuff to please him.
6) He keeps on ordering you to waste your time.
7) He utters again and again " mein aapko tang to nahi kar raha " but continues doing that.
8) He says again and again " ab mujhe chalna chahiye" but never go.

So what to do? These unwanted guests are like those mosquitoes to which no ALL OUT works. They are those communicable diseases which leave on their own wish in spite of how many doses of medicine you take and still no vaccination for these diseases has invented. Soon you start disliking their face and are filled with anger by a single glance but have to keep on smiling. You have to laugh on their crap jokes and listen carefully and with interest to their boring and repeating talks. We learn a lot of acting during their arrival and they enhance our enduring power, the only positive aspects of them.

So few days ago I received a call from an extreme and rare example of an unwanted guest. Yes that fellow had already visited my home again and we never wished for his second arrival. All the above agony is intended only for unwanted guest. We really love standard guest coming and living at our home. In a city like UJJAIN you have to welcome lots of guests especially when you live near the main ghat of kshipra river and mahakal temple. And we do that with out any puckered eye. As per dad we have to help other then only we can expect help from others.

So during his first visit he was a respected guest. I went to receive him. He was an old member of BJP and used to brag about his relations with prominent faces. That time it was very fascination to have a person in your home which had met with top leaders of our country. He always carried a album in which his photographs with leaders like " lk advani , atal bihari ji , vasundhara raje etc " and many other prominent faces were inserted. So we thought to give him a hearty welcome because it is always good to be in contact with persons of political influence. They are those trump cards which can easily ease the way of any tough government work of yours. India is a country of " SIFARISH" and nothing wrong to do "SIFARISH" as your official work which are delayed by corrupt officers are easily done with bargain and very less time.

We had prepared a very delicious food for him. But as soon as he arrived the situation turned. Same like you are expecting SACHIN to come and score a century but ramesh povar arrive, spoiling your whole mood. He started giving orders as we were his servants and had to greet him. He said he will not eat sitting on ground. He sat on one chair with his plate on other. He kept on demanding things and meanwhile telling lots of mistakes in food. Mom was burning in agony inside the kitchen. The scene was that the person which enter his room go with a smile and talk with sugar filled voice but while returning we had those frustrating and awkward faces like a crow had given PRASAD on our expensive clothes.

In India we are supposed to respect old mans despite how wicked they are. Old man can do all those crimes to which younger ones are punished and awarded the image of bad mannered. That shameless creature wanted to take a bath and he removed all his clothes ( not the underwear ) in our main hall. We were expecting his stay only for 2 hours but he didn't go to a hotel and remained at our home. These miser creatures loves to wreck others peaceful life. Mom offered her politely to wash his clothes and that shameless moron said yes and even left his undergarments also. We started panicking due to his presence and were praying for her departure soon. But he kept on ruling like a king and disrespecting his slaves again and again. Before leaving he demanded to make “parathas” for his train journey and I had never seen mom in that much anger before. Mom was shouting inside and the scene created was very enjoyable.

. Whenever his name is taken in our home, mom's agony returns. After his departure he called us many a times. Due to his bad luck, every time I received the call and ignored either by telling a wrong number or a bad signal or any other futile reason. His call stopped coming. But few days back he called again. I was deceived this time as first he asked " sharma ji hai ". I replied " ha aap kaun". Then he told his name and said he had lost the way of our house and demanded to receive him. Gosh! He was standing few meters away from my house .I was in a situation like a bomb was planted in my house. Don't know where and when it will explode. I told him to hold and went downstairs and shouted loudly “mom that wicked old fellow is asking for our address what to do". Mom also got unstable but came back to her wits soon. Sis suggested telling that one of our family members died and no one is in the home. When he called back I said the same thing in a very solemn voice and didn't wait for his response and put the phone down. Mom strictly ordered me not to open the door and gave some convincing excuse in case he succeeds to find our home. Since the day after this it is my duty to receive all phone call and talk in a changed voice to assure that he hasn't called.

So ATITHI , what you think you planned it very well. You will come and wreck our schedules and dominate us. We don't want to take risk in planning of "atithi tum kab jaoge". We will never allow you to come at our home. Do whatever you can do. "atithi tum kaise aaoge ?

End of the line.........

Finally the most crucial day of my life arrived. It was JEE paper and I was just thinking how I failed to put good efforts during the long 3 year span. Why, I never understand. Was I not eligible or my mind was not set to grasp scientific things. I am not denying my mistakes but then also circumstances never favored me. At least those topics which I had prepared well, I was not having confidence in those one also. I was not ready. I wanted to escape. Just wanted to have a worm hole taking me away for this 6 hours into another dimension. But I had to face it. The JEE paper without any preparation ironically being preparing it for past 3 years.

Soon the paper was given to us. And as expected it was full of surprise. Partial marking and no negative marking in MCQs. The paper once again appeared very familiar except those nasty organic questions. As I had not prepared major portion of organic from any PHD level book I couldn't expect myself to solve those. Some question were data based, this baffled me. I was maintaining a decent pace. I was able to solve more than I expected from myself. But due to bansal's incidences I didn't dare to tick on answers for more than 8 questions. I later found that 6 of them were correct.

Three hours went in a second. I was knowing many other questions also but time didn't allowed me. I wasn't able to gave a single glance to more than 20 question. 3-d vector the topic I had prepared at its very best I wasn't able to solve its questions even after applying 5 different methods. I was frustrated but still was hoping to lie on the boundary after this paper. I had to give my best in the second paper.

I had my migraine tablets with me which I was expected to take in the break. But I didn't take them as I was well that time. With the start of second paper my migraine also started. Just as same year god was willing to punish me for some cardinals sins which I had made in my previous birth. I faced the pain at its highest intensity that day. May be I had taken a lot of stress on myself due to expectations of friends and family and of mine also. I wasn't able to focus. Some how I struggled and kept on doing questions. I was finding various difficulties and a vomit like feeling was also aiding to my trouble.To aid in my difficulties almost 80% of the physics paper was from those 4 topics which I had left and maths had lots of complex number stuff the only topic in which I was weak. Some how I finished the paper and was expecting to be on boundary of the cut off. Those rascals had also misprinted in the OMR physics for maths and vice versa which confused us.

I was writhing in pain when I reached home. I took my tablets and went for a sound sleep. I woke up around 9 pm to check my destiny. My expectations and joy collapsed like the world trade center. All the questions which I had expected to do right were aiding in negative only. And how by forgetting multiplying by 2, drawing right structure in rough but ticking the wrong one , assuming nickel's atomic number as 27 instead of 28, not counting the number of bonds properly and many such silly mistakes which I used to commit in bansal test I had done here also. I was living my nightmare ones again. A total of 95 marks silly mistake I had done which can definitely assure my entry into an IIT.

I celebrated my sorrow for 1 day but soon got charged for the next exams. VITEEE was on 17 april and EEE was on 25. Their was some hope of a re-exam due to lots of mistake which IIT madras had done this hope continued to inspire me till the jee result declaration. I decided to give my best efforts and perform well on those exams. Meanwhile started ayurvedic treatment for my migraine. It restricted me a lot from preparing well but some how I finished the basics of all the uncovered topics. Didn't paid much heed to VITEEE but before EEE I completed all the theory and questions from NCERT and some other books so was happy and relieved.

With some initial problems of finding the center I reached their and started praying for a 10k rank. The paper started and my horror of screwing exam returned. I had already taken migraine tablets this time but was not sure of those stupid silly mistakes. I kept on checking even the calculations after doing each problem which screwed my pace. I was able to solve only the half paper. Rest questions were also very easy and If I might get half more hours I might be able to do 30 more questions. I calculated the marks later and they were coming less than 140.

At that time I had decided to prepare for my bitsat test which was on 24th may. I had planned to finish magnetism and modern physics from some standard books but later I changed my plan. I thought I had already screwed 3 exams and their is no chance of getting a good college from those so I must work hard to do well in my state PET which was on next week. For the first time I studied really hard and consistently for more than 12 hours a day regularly for a week. I finished whole the revision from books and bansal notes and done well in my state pet.

Now the only exam left was BITSAT. BITS pilani the college which I admired more than IIT. My dream college it was since 12th as it had no reservation and super campus culture. I was just googling their forum ones and found that all the students which managed to get around 280 marks had scored high (250+) in aieee. I was worried as according to my present status I might end up with screwing bitsat exam too. I realized the primary mistake of mine during all exams were not to solve their previous years paper. So this time I started doing guess papers alongside revision.

I screwed the first few getting not more than 180. It increased my worries a lot. But I tried hard and started hard working and revising more and more. All was well till 18 when my time table got screwed as I wasn't able to sleep properly. Those late night wakings hovered my complete day and I quit the study once again but at this time I was in the most confident and relieved state. The day came , the day of freedom . my last competitive exam of the year. The paper seemed very easy at first and I was doing fine till maths section arrived. I stuck at a question and to much of my bad luck same question pattern repeated thrice times. The clock declared 11:30 and I was now free.

I had attempted 122 question in 2 and half hour after the accident of only 44 questions in AIEEE paper in 3 hours which was relieving. I was expecting 280+ score which would assure my entry into bits but it came only 230. This time I wasn't shocked as I was already familiar with this kinds of situation before. The splendor had ended. I failed to gain a position in any national level college. But I wasn't unhappy or depressed. Although I wasn't prepared for such kind of situations and never had imagined myself in a local college but I adopted soon. I hadn't lost myself by this. I reassembled my soul and confidence and started thinking positive again. Enjoyed the next days sleeping, facebooking and playing cricket. That's all about my past 3 year life.

Escaping from hell and after....

Around the end of December. I was dead tired. Tired from hectic coaching schedule, daily mess and fights at the hostel , crappy food and hard work not getting paid off. The release of 3 idiots proved very relaxing for me at that time. I entered in a film theater after almost 10 years and I enjoyed it. It inculcated zest and enthusiasm in me again. I was filled with positive energy and started again afresh. I always believe that it is never very late. The later you start the faster you have to run without getting tired and I was ready for it this time.

I had written some resolutions on my text book during the last minutes of 2009. I was happy that although I lost many things in 2009 but eventually I emerged out as a much stronger and enduring person. I had still not quit and was willing to try once again. The first week of 2010 went very well. I utilized my newly inculcated energy very well and was able to do lots of hard work. But when the coaching timings were hiked I was completely cracked. Now the timings were 9 to 12:45 ( teacher left us at 1:15 or 1:30) then classes again start from 2:30 to 5 ( teacher left us at 6) . So although I was now willing to utilize time I had no time left. The back load was increasing at an alarming rate. To add in it, I got struck with fever and severe migraine attacks. I wasn't able to handle the pressure of coaching and studies.

I had finished most of the maths syllabus but had to complete almost 70% of chemistry and 85% of physics. I was able to solve the questions of physics in review test whose topics I had learned earlier. So I thought physics could play the role of trump card for me and I must complete it first. As it appeared almost impossible while staying in kota So I decided to run away from hell 1 month before the coaching ending. Although It was a very risky decision but I had to take it as it seemed best that time. I enjoyed the last week doing conversations and playing with friends. I left the hell at 31st Jan and was very happy.

I planned a very hectic schedule in the train which included a 15 hour study daily. But at home I lost my pace and became lazy. I was doing things at a very slow pace. But as I was doing things on my own, I was in a very stress free condition. But I took the wrong decision of completely leaving chemistry and maths. Also my net addiction had returned due to which I started wasting a lot of time at night by playing online games and chatting. I was desperately waiting for this era to pass. I was imagining myself in a good college. I was sure to do good in BITSAT and AIEEE if not IIT JEE. At home frequent collisions of me with dad and sis was common. Due to which my mood went off and I wasn't able to focus on study for several hours.

I kept on changing time table but wasn't able to obey a single one effectively. Soon march arrived and I had lots of back load to do. But at march I lost my wits and conscience. I didn't want to study any more. I was tired and frustrated mugging same things again and again. And in those untouched topics nothing seemed to get inserted into my mind. I was struggling a lot, reading the text more than 4 times but still not getting a single statement. The topics which I had already done more than 10 times I had forgotten them all. Not able to remember even a single formula. What a pathetic situation that was.

I didn't know how fast march went. It just came and go in a single second. I hadn't done even the 1 percent of what I was supposed to do. Meanwhile frequent migraine attacks at alternate days were ruining my schedule. If one day I woke up early and started studying well in the morning around 12 my head started paining a lot and I had to quit. I decided to finish my maths portion and wasted last 15 days in just a single but important topic of co-ordinate geometry.

When April arrived I was just expecting a miracle . Only a miracle could save me that time as I wasn't able to finish even 50% of the JEE syllabus. I was just thinking how fast this year went and I just kept on making plans but didn't implemented a single one. First 5 days of April were wasted in the same thoughts. But later I decided to revise the complete syllabus once again and hope for a miracle. It seemed much better than learning any new untouched topic. The only thing making me worry was I had not even solved a single question from 4 important topics of physics naming optics,magnetism and emi, modern physics and waves. I relied on praying and rest of my confidence and good luck which helped me last time.

I'll spit on his face if I met him again.......

This post is dedicated to my dear landlord "uncle" the biggest asshole I have ever faced in my life. As I have already mentioned in my blog how reluctant I was to live in his house but unfortunately I had to stay in it for 9 months. There is another unfair system in kota in which you have to give a caution money in advance so that you can't leave the room earlier. So I had also paid 4500rs in advance which uncle was going to return me in dec or jan. Uncle used to look more like a less paid servant. Very bad and tortured clothes and Aunty also used to wear very cheap clothes.

At the very first day I forgot to turn off the lights of my room and aunty politely asked me to turn off them next time. It was a good experience the wolves were talking underneath sheep skin. Soon uncle showed his real colors. He daily used to abuse us a lot if some one had left the cooler or light open. First Uncle had a mess with the Delhi boys living on ground floor. Now daily fight between them in the evening was common. It disturbed a lot in our studies. We used to sneak at some hidden places to get a glance or some words of that fight. One day there was a huge aggressive telephonic interaction of uncle and their dad and aunty throw out all of their luggage. The complaint to the police and uncle hadn't returned their caution money of 8krs. I don't know what happened next. Aunty was uncle's DHAL as if the students started dominating then AUNTY came into play. They were having NAPPA and VEGETA like relationship. Aunty's powers were much more superior. She was a fierce fighter equipped with all kinds of bad words and slang.

My first selfish mess owner was more degraded person. The food they used to send was awful. No quality and nutrition at all. I was paying 2500 for food including 2 times of milk and another boy of my hostel was paying the same but he was supplied 3 times milk. The milk had 90% water and rest 10% I don't know. They sent us calabash consistently for a week. When I complained about this the owner said that how can they sent calabash to us as he hadn't bought them for 2 weeks. Then he said it cost 60 per kg shortly his wife unfamiliar with out conversations said it cost 30 per kg . I called mom and she said it is only 15 per kg. The mess used to be off at Sunday. To save money I used to do fast at this day. This act was quite peculiar for the students living with me as they were born with a silver spoon.

I had broken all the record of misery that time. One day I had a severe fight with mess owner. He told that he would inform me if the food will not be coming today. But he didn't do that and we all were hungry. When I reached there for a serious talk. He started shouting and said I told you I'll inform you if food will be coming today. Kota peoples are degraded , having no emotions , self respect and exceptionally talented liar. I demanded for the return of my money that day. Amazingly the mess owner reduced the price of food from 1700 to 1500. This people can degrade that much I hadn't expected. Just to save 5 rs they had crossed all the limits.

I changed the mess. My new mess was good and used to serve quality food. My food problem was solved. Till now Uncle had thrown out the music boy and eaten up his 4500rs also. Frequent collisions of uncle with other students were common. I used to argue a lot with him. Many a times I thought to say to him " sale paise bharte to hai fir tere baap ka kya jata hai light chalaye ya pankha". But I was also restricted if he thrown out my luggage I had no place to stay. So some how we controlled our fury and revenging intentions. He used to switch off our cooler from outside during morning giving excuses of filling them with water. He often threaten us to take extra charges for electricity use.

He took out all the coolers before oct. Due to this all of us were very discontented. But no one had any right . We were living like animals. No rights just bear his dominance patiently. But we used to balance the thing in his absence. Turned on all the lights, fans and cooler. Opened the water purifier and wasted a lot from it. The water purifier was also a trash old plastic box. It hardly had any filtering property left. One of the fellow had started relying on mineral water. We created havoc in his absence. And our street fights also aided a lot in it.

When we came back from Diwali vacations. Uncle had once again used his master mind. He cut the wires of fridge to save his electricity and denied to repair it. We had to accept the situation unwillingly. All the students there were pseudo brave. They used to talk bravely behind uncle's back but in face of him they knew only one word " yes uncle ". I had rebelled few times but in a soft and light manner.

The main drama started when the winter season started. Although Kota is a very hot city but still We didn't like bathing in morning with chilled water. So every body planned to ask uncle for a geyser. But none of us had the guts to initiate. Finally I gathered all the students and we initiated in leadership of mine and MOTRAM. Although I initiated and propagated later MOTRAM took all the credit. Uncle was reluctant but due to a fear of riot he gave us the date of mid November.

The major drama started then. Most of us had bought an electric kettle. Which sucks lots of electricity. A boy had brought an electric cooker. And 2 others a heater. We enjoyed that era. Daily uncle used to abuse us a lot. Some time he caught us using them but he couldn't do any thing. He just threatened us that he'll increase the electricity charge. But we used to shuffle the rooms. At Sunday while making the family Maggy it was like a military mission. Two students were on the gate. Two on the balcony to keep an eye on uncle. One roaming here and there for some ground floor traitors and one with mobile phone to inform in emergency. Same cautions had to be taken while using kettle or heater.

Uncle started waking up at 4am to check whether the heaters are running or not. But due to some miracle one meter stopped blinking fast and we can enjoy the most in that room. UNO became enjoyable under the soothing warmness of heater or eating food or gossips. When the end days were coming we started planning what should we do to take revenge. Some of our creative plans were

1) blast a huge "rassi bomb" put in glass bottle at the roof
2) destroy the condenser of the fridge
3) fill the walls with lots of slang and cover them with paper ( the delhi boys had already did that )
4) using lime juice or pomegranate juice to create permanent marks on tiles
5) crushing the water purifier

and many other but all were rough futile thoughts needed to burst out our frustration. Uncle always installed half filled cylinder which exhausted soon and after replacing once he denied to install another. I used to say that time that I'll gonna spit on his face before leaving. We had a mobile theft on the ground floor and all of us finally came to the point that uncle had stolen it. The ground floor was a WWE ring. There were 2 major blocks there. One included the landlord and their relative aunty and other one a bengali aunty and a bihari aunty. They used to quarrel daily on non sense things and my room was in such a position that I was disturbed a lot. That time I used to study in the toilet. The fight gradually turned more vehement day by day.

Finally when I had decided to leave that MANHOOS house. I demanded my caution money back which uncle refused. He refused to return all of the others student caution money also. He had already eaten up the caution money of 5 students in the running era. When my dad and mom , simultaneously Amar's dad also arrived. They had some serious discussions for the return of caution money. Uncle was also threatening us as he had some contacts with GUNDA peoples. Finally uncle told us that he didn't have any money as of now and would deposit the price in our bank account but as expected he didn't do it. This time as I'm free if I met with him again I'll definitely spit on his face and punch him hard in his belly to take my revenge.

A worthless phase of life....

After the 3rd test accident I was transfixed by the failure. I had worked hard in maths but still screwed the paper. I stopped studying. Just rough thinking daily. I realized that I should have never taken PCM as subject as I had no interest in it. I must go for something creative. Although I liked physics very much but I liked facts and theoretical stuff more. I love to read relativity but can't solve its problem. Same was with other things also. Meanwhile 2 more faculties left and we were supplied with a new organic teacher SKM.

In his first lecture only half of the class was filled but the second one was flooded.He was an awesome teacher. He really maintained a good momentum in each of his lecture and I enjoyed learning organic chemistry. Meanwhile I relied again on my mugging abilities and started mugging inorganic at its best. The physics teacher's level was far away from me. I was struggling a lot and always reluctant to complete any of the back load. Neither I was paying any attention to the current lectures. Actually I was indeed trying but was not getting anything in my mind. I had completed theory many times but still wasn't able to solve even the average problems.

Soon the 4th test arrived, I wasn't even prepared 5% at all. But I laid the primary emphasis on doing less mistake. I succeeded and done only 3 marks mistake and my rank hiked to 1238. My fellow students called it " divide and rule" as their ranks had been declined a lot in this test. Soon the Diwali vacations started. Although I was reluctant to go back to home but my parents had already done my reservation. I thought to finish all my back load in this vacation and enter in the top 500 after this. But I got carried away at home. My parents were also reluctant for my study plan. They advised me to take complete mental rest and I also didn't disobeyed them. I wasted those 5 golden days which could bring me back to a very strong position.

When the classes resumed our maths teacher asked how many of the students studied for more than 4 hours daily and only 3 students raised their hands out of 175. This was the story. Meanwhile swine flu had arrived in kota. Its quite funny when it had not reached here all the students were wearing mask and using handkerchief to cover their nose. Even I tried it for 2 days but soon left this practice as I was looking awkward and different. But when it arrived none of us even bother to use a handkerchief.

The shuffling happened and I was sent to x10 batch again. I was happy at least I managed to get a x tag but x11 was like heaven that time. It had all the good faculties and the previous students of x11 were all hiked. But x10 also had good faculty. Our maths teachers was a gem. Although I had studied with him before but I didn't have a good image of him that time. He was rude and didn't miss any chance to disrespect student. Some time he went very vehement and used slang and many other bad words. He could quit the class anytime without the fear of anyone . I used to call him psycho. But his teaching abilities were exceptional. He brought the fear of doing homework again in me and I started learning maths again. I was able to understand each and every point in his flowing lecture. He also created very funny situations and jokes. We laughed a lot in his class. IF he was in good mood his lectures were like a 1 and half hour comedy film with lots of learning.

But I lost my organic teacher because of whom my ranked was hiked. Our new organic teacher was a dumb person. He didn't know how to teach. His lectures were very dull and all the students used to yawn only. We complaint a lot for his removal. Meanwhile bansal sir launched the martial law. No student was allowed to attend class in some other batches. It screwed all of us. As we were now bound to take class of that organic teacher. Soon I lost my command on organic. I wasn't able to understand a single point on his notes. When the other student had accepted their defeat I once again initiated for a riot and this time we got succeed. The teacher had changed but we had lost a major portion.

Our physics teacher had also changed and now we were supplied with the HOD of physics. I was happy that now I'll study from a quality teacher. But his teaching standard was well above my level. I was able to understand the core of the lectures of past teacher but this time I was even struggling in the basics. The syllabus completion process had picked a tremendous pace and i was getting behind each day. If I studied maths then chem and phy were left out and vice versa. The good thing was that I was finishing my complete maths homework. In the next review test my rank came down to 1469.I was very tired and frustrated because of this life.

No pace at all. Just perpetual monotonous acts again and again. I felt like trapped in a cage for thousand years. Study was so boring and annoying. Knowledge gain was replaced with the ability to solve few questions in lesser time. We all were mugging but not learning. Concepts were replaced by formula. And the mess food really made me to vomit daily. Only radio was giving me some sort of peace. I was not a music fan till but had become now. I used to hear it even in the toilet or while bathing. The programs like " my fm ri sholey ( a rajasthani sequel of sholey) and " shayar jasbati" on 94.3 my fm were very enjoyable. At night other people enjoyed a program " naughty rateein" with meenakshi I didn't like this program too much but occasionally I did hear it for a change.

We used to waste lots of time in gossiping about past. It mainly revolved around girls or fights. We all were sharing our common pain. At night we used to play UNO which always ended at 2 or 3 am. I was taking a sleep of 2 or 3 hours only at night. But it got balanced as after returning I used to bethat much tired that I slept just after falling on bed. As no one was there to woke me I always ended with a nap of 4 to 5 hours screwing all of my daily planned schedule. Sometimes I used crazy tricks like switching off my lights to reflect that I'm sleeping meanwhile I was studying.My room was better in terms that it had various sources of light. My bathroom window open in a forest with lots of peacock.

Soon the 6th review test arrived. I was only prepared in maths. At each test I always used to think that I'll thrown away in the range of 4k but some how managed to remain above 2000. At this test also with very less preparation and almost no revision I managed to get 1751 rank.My average time of study was less than a hour in a day while other student used to study for more than 6 hours. I didn't know either they just acted or they really did but their most of the homework was complete while mine was not. So I became very overconfident that with this much less study and less preparation I'm able to score good marks including a lots of silly mistakes. If I omit the silly mistake my rank hiked around 500.

I hyped my coincidental success a lot and became very overconfident. I always used to think if one day I'll manage to study for 6 hours daily consistently and complete most of the syllabus then I'll definitely clear JEE with flying colors. I was just thinking doing nothing concrete or if I was doing circumstances were not with me. Occasionally those migraine attacks or rib pain hindered my preparation and screwed up the whole schedule. I was still living in dream to get a top 1000 rank but was doing nothing for it.

Each day I slept with a vow of studying more than 10 hours but never managed to do it. If I went out of my room I returned after 4 hours with a very heavy mind that I wasted time. But I couldn't resist from being the part of a lengthy gossip or playing UNO or some other self created game. Even the telephonic conversations with friends or family members extended for hours. Time was sleeping from my hands and I was unable to hold it. I was in a loon like stage. My mind was out of my wits and things were just randomly and automatically happening.

I was frustrated and want to escape from this hell but was restricted. Nothing seemed to be of any joy and hope. Some topics I had done more than 10 times and some other not even touched. Some questions I had solved many a times and some formula I hadn't given a single glance. All the other students were also in the same stage except MOTRAM. I was finding hard to live in that tiny room with only books around me. I was lost in my own dreams. Life was bleak and hopeless as at that time I had realized that if I continued with the same routine I'll not have any chance to stand for JEE.

Living in hostel is much more then washing your underwear yourself.....

Back to the good days before I had arrived kota I was googling some blogs and went through a statement that " keep 6 pairs of underwear with you as you have to wash them yourself in the hostel". But after having 8 months of my amazing stay in hostel I can say hostel life is much more exciting and interesting. I was never a very social fellow. I used to play prank and annoy people with my jokes and pulling leg habit. So I never had a very good social image and I was knowing I'll gonna face some severe problem due to this.

The first few days went pretty good in the hostel. I was already honored with the name "kamina" before the release of this film I don't know why. Soon the hostel fellow gave me my another name " chanakaya" and "no. 27"( don't ask why). I don't know how but I was reflecting a very political and cunning image. After coming from our coaching all of we had a emergency discussion on the complete happenings of the day. Every time at the hostel some one can be seen gossiping while others were celebrating that " I'm studying and they are not". At night if some one came to have some water from purifier, any other one tired of studies definitely came out for a 5 min chat which always extended for more than 4 hours and involving most of the fellows of top floor. Occasional ground floor students also joined us.

After getting familiar I didn't miss any chance of pulling legs of other. Unintentionally I was forming a negative image, of which I was not aware. Amar was getting frustrated by my such acts and he started disliking me. One night we had a vehement discussion on " India and America". He used to have some biased thinking that US is much greater than India and India is a spoiled rotten country on which I never consented. I always advocated in favour of India, demanding that we the youth must come forward for the building of this country. If we can't dare to clean the mud then we have no right to spit on it.As per him the government should come forward to help people but I had very different perception that only if one have the will then only he can succeed. Most of the people lack a will to accelerate their living standard and hence they still lives a degraded life.

He used to have thinking like if we had to start a work, then it can be initiated and propagate much easily in US than India and I always gave counter view that US had already lots of settled business so you can't grow well there but in India there is far less competition than US and we can develop very well. I always advocated a success with out any difficulty is of no worth. Greater the troubles you have in your journey more you become strong and mature but he had a complete different and peculiar perception. He awarded me with the title " hypothetical speaker " as I used to give examples like the poor boy which used to reside in slum in front of our hostel may become a rich person if he opened a mess and delivered very quality food.

Soon Amar started hating me a lot and started back biting. One day He was telling others in his peculiar started that a time machine had being made and it'll start working soon to which I couldn't stop giggling which made him very annoyed. Frustrated of all this awkward stuff I stopped talking with him and started staying most of the time in my room. When the Music boy was thrown out a new boy from UP came in his room which we referred as 'MOTRAM'. He told his EML rank to me 1500 and I doubted it very much due to his physic and body language. He first told that he is the district topper in high school. I thought " ok koi to hoga shayad ye hi ho". Then he said he got 98 percent in PCM in senior secondary. Now I started doubting that such a smart student can't join CP( career point) leaving bansal, he is telling a lie for sure.Then he told us that he was the national boxing champion. He said there was a severe accident of him before the AIEEE exam but some how he survived. As per him his dad was a supreme court lawyer, a business tycoon in USA running 7 star restaurants and casinos in NY and Las Vegas , mayor of mathura and his grand father a MP. Lots of filmy drama started since his arrival. He told us that how many girls are having crush on him. He used to hate his neighbor and most of the time they were throwing mud on each other.

He used to tell about his girl friend and about his psychic abilities. Some of his funny stories were " one of his friend who was dead came to his home to return a book which he had taken from him " , " a man married a women and they had a baby. one day when the light was not there he called his wife to light the candle suddenly the light comes and he saw that his wife while sitting on the bed extended her hand to miters to light the candle , he ran away with his child which suddenly disappeared" , " one of his relative which went to bengal was trapped by a widow witch and turned into a goat , she converted him back to normal at night to have sex with him hahaha" and many other weird stories.

His true face came only when I revived my contacts with Amar. That day I realized that one can make a lot of benefit by communication gap. He declared my sudden success in a test as my politics of making others fight and to study myself lolz. And all other fools were also in his trap. Behind the curtain I was the biggest villain, playing politics for my success and others downfall. At the end I rectified all the things. There were many other bizarre incidents and political traps which at present I can't reveal. I still have fear of him and his political power :).He called me few days back and told that he didn't get selected even after getting 292 marks in JEE. How unfortunate for you I replied. I told him to use his political powers to enter into IITs

That fellow was my biggest achievement during the gap year. I realized that you can't trust a person. I became very ruthless and doubting type after this. I removed friendship and some other words from my dictionary. May be I need some good and kind soul to heal my wounds. I was proved to be an exception in terms of relationship in both virtual and real world as in both the case I was deceived. But last days of hostel went really went. I apologized all the other fellow of any of my misbehavior. Infact the reveal of that rascal proved to be a turning point to join all of us again and act like a single team. Lots more memory to cherish about my hostel life. How we played cricket, football, volleyball with gloves, monkey caps or bottles. The UNO playing in the night and cheating in it. Eating from each other lunch box, going for party, watching 3 idiots with friends, motivating others for success, healing others relationship. I wish to be back in those days and say loudly " chalo uncle ki deewar gandi karte hai "