Few days back I turned 27. As normal as it may sound but we
all know it is not. 27 is not just a number, it’s a psychological state that
you have crossed now. For a middle class Indian family, it is the perfect age
to get married, assuming you have studied whatever you wanted to and whatever you
could have in your life as per your ability and it is the best time to settle
down. From a financial perspective, you are supposed to initiate your long term
investment plans like buying properties, investing in share market and creating
a good chunk of fortune for your future. From a career point of view, you are
supposed to enter into the mid management stage now, lead a team and propel
into a successful career ahead. From health point of view, you are supposed to
be at peak of your youth, fit and charming, energetic and sharp, ready to take
over the world.
Sadly, I don’t fit in any of this well-defined mould of life.
As a matter of fact, I am far far far (read that in dramatic rhythmic high
pitch voice) away from most of them. It took me 26 years to ask a girl out so I
am far away from a mental state of thinking to spend rest of my life with
someone. Besides, the thought in itself is scary enough to stay far away from
it. Too much of a responsibility too soon, can’t imagine calling someone daily
and telling them what I ate. I am just done with a big heavy education loan
that pretty much overshadowed any other decision in my life for last 2 years so
I am going to stay away from a loan for a while or may be forever, I just
learnt I am not good in dealing with debts. I think I am doing fine in terms of
having a good career prospects so I will cut some slack to me there. But having
a good career came at a cost of my health which I suppose is one of the worst
failures of my life. I have tormented my body for the sake of success most of
which turned out to be mere illusions. I always comforted myself with the
thought that this will be the last rat race I will run and then I will hang up
my boots but guess what, I am still running and I am still aiming to outpace
others.
So here I am, at the age of 27, lonely, far from being
healthy and far from being settled still wondering where to head next to. There
are so many tunnels but from where I stand I don’t see light at the end of any
of them. I had imagined quite a simple life for me during my school days. I
will complete 12th when I am 17th, clear JEE and complete
computer engineering from IIT Delhi when I turn 21, complete my PGDM from IIM
Ahmedabad when I turn 23. The startup which I was supposed to build during my
IIT days was supposed to turn profitable during my 2nd year of PGDM
thus I could avoid sitting in placements. Fast forward to next 4 years, I was
supposed to become a billionaire in the 27th year of my life and
world’s richest man in the 29th year. By this time I would have married the girls of my dream with whom I met during my engineering days and who was a constant support and source of my strength while chasing my dreams. A simple middle class Indian
guy dream with a little touch from Bollywood, nothing complicated or nothing which can’t be achieved if I worked
hard enough and my efforts are sincere, at least this is what the conventional
wisdom suggests.
There was also one more alternate future, where I had finally settled with the fact that the only thing I could do well is play with
words and chosen writing as a full time career. Residing in a peaceful hill
station, far far away from the commotion of metros in some wood house with my
golden retriever, cooking the organic food I grow outside my house. The
evenings were supposed to be spent watching sunset from my half opened window,
sipping cardamom tea, writing poems just like Ruskin Bond living in Mussorie.
If I compare the reality with my ambitions, I draw a very
bleak picture. Although, I somehow managed to do my PGDM from a very good
college. Rest everything broke down like a sand castle. So here I am almost a
billion dollar away from the spot I was aiming for in the 27th year
of my life. Sachin Tendulkar crossed 10,000 runs in his 27th year of
life, Rafale Nadal had already won 14 grand slam in his 27th year
and Mark Zuckerberg’s net worth had climbed to 13.5 Billion dollars when he was
27. It’s a different feeling now to see people far younger than you achieving
success you find impossible now. Be it PV Sindhu in badminton, Zverev and Thiem
in tennis, Jaspreet Bumrah in cricket and many more. Actresses in movies are
much younger than you, even people in politics are entering which are far
younger and that feeling is really really weird. In fact, I think the next wave
of shock will come when people born in 2000 will start winning accolades and we
will still be staring blank thinking how fast time has gone and how did it
happen.
Although, standing at where I am standing now, I fully
understand that my problems are very first world problems. In fact, they are
not even problems, they are just dissatisfaction and disappointment arrived from
the gap between what I aspired to be and what I have become. From the day I
walked my first step into school to today, I have served the conventional
wisdom succumbing to its knowledge. 14 years of school + 1 year of coaching at
Kota + 4 years of engineering + 1 year of software engineering job + 2 years of
MBA + 2 years of job as HR manager and here I am still wondering is it what I aspired to become or have I reached where I wanted to. Is it a wrong thing to
do? I don’t think so. Was it the right thing for me? That’s a question I need
to answer by myself. Can I blame someone for it if I am unhappy at the end,
partly yes, partly no? The answers are always not very simple as one has to put
multiple lens to the question itself. At the end of the day, we are a product
of our choices. Whatever we are right now is something eventually we chose no
matter what the external circumstances were.
Are we the slave of the system or we are the slave of our
choices or we are slave of our ambition. What binds us? What makes us unhappy?
What makes us not to choose the options that would surely make our life simple?
What gives us the right to rant about our life yet not do anything to change
about it? What makes us a pampered generation which is not tough enough to take
on life as our earlier generation did?
We always had a choice to flee, to abandon, to quit, to choose
a different path. We always had choice to experiment, our risk aversion and our
servitude can’t be a reason to call ourselves victim. To some extent, we have
to follow a conventional path but then the dices are always in our hand to
roll. Here I am in the 27th year of my life contemplating the power
I have to change my life, evaluating all the options that lies in front of me,
weighing my strength to follow the paths that are laid ahead of me, may be all
paths indeed led to Rome and then the final question will be, was Rome the
ultimate destination and whether true happiness is achieved by reaching the
ultimate destination? In Ravish Kumar’s
words, “Questions are many, answers are for none”. Let’s see what this year
unfolds. Looking forward for a roller coaster ride.
