Writer's Block..........

 There used to be a time when I had 4 or 5 unfinished articles in my laptop just waiting for me to complete them. When every conversation with someone, going to a new place or even day to day normal tasks like travelling or visiting an office were source of exciting ideas; ideas that can be transformed into something meaningful. I have written on many abstract topics ranging from politics, motivation, optimism, love, girls, boys, beauty and death. I used to sketch my frustrations, happiness, celebrations, heart breaks all on paper ( MS Word in modern context) and pour my heart into it. But lately I have been going through the worst writer’s block of my life. I have had writer’s block before, but never for such a long period and never ever it made me so helpless that I am unable to write even few lines. Finally, I decided to experiment and face my fear, defeat the writer’s block by writing about it. If I can’t write, why not write about the process of not being able to write.

I don’t know when exactly it started that I lost my ability to express my feelings and thoughts into words. My regular blogging stopped as soon as I get into a b school due to the rigorous schedule and lack of time. Though, I tried on numerous occasion to continue but couldn’t, I failed to write even small paragraphs. Guess, writing has a lot to do with peace of mind and stability along with time or may be it is the opposite. Writing has a lot to do with turmoil and disturbed thoughts. One of my friend suggested me that the sole inspiration of my writing was my ‘struggle’ and after getting into a good B school my struggling days are over and hence I have lost my ability to write.

Writer’s block is the most unproductive thing that can happen with anyone. You will sit hours gazing at your laptop point blank but no thought will cross your mind. You will try to push yourself hard by holding a pen and a paper and you will end up with some random doodles and multiple signatures of yours. You will read your own old posts and try to remind yourself about your glorious past but it won’t be of much help instead it would increase your pain and grief on your inability to repeat something that once come to you so naturally.

The inability to write for a writer is pretty much like a superhero losing his power. Now, a writer is not a superhero for the world but he has his own imaginary world where he is the creator and destroyer. He can create and destroy characters, change their fate, play with them and he can play with his own thoughts and tamper them in any way he likes. And he carries this imaginary world with him even in the real world. He observes people and what is happening around him and reflect the same in his imaginary world.

So many thoughts cross across the mind daily, thoughts that make you happy or sad, delighted or stressed, positive or negative, optimistic or pessimist and when you are unable to vent them out then they stay in your mind and increase the turmoil. A painter unable to create a colourful world, a musician unable to produce a beautiful melody, a dancer unable to move with the rhythm, and a writer unable to generate words. We all are storytellers in some or other way and our stories captures all the beautiful emotions of the world so it is very necessary for us to generate the stories in some way or another.

I kept alive the writing spirit by updating the facebook status but few days back I felt that I have nothing to write on. I couldn’t think about anything. It was a blank state of mind which actually got me worried whether I have lost it all. The writer inside me has died which pretty much kills a part of me as Mayank Sharma is known as the one who updates his status on facebook, who writes blog and poems, the writer, the only consistent identity I have. I am not good in any sports, I don’t know any music instrument, I don’t know singing or dancing, I can cook well but I am not known for cooking, so if you exclude the writing part also I become nothing. I am just a face in the crowd with no identity. Someone who is there but is not known to many, someone who is there in pictures but no one has any memory associated with that person. The feeling of being nobody is the most troubling thought a person like me who has always maintained that his ultimate aim in life is to be known.

I pondered over my inability to write for a long time. Maybe I have lost the ability to write, it is like a onetime thing, you have it for a while and then when situation changes you lose it. A broken heart generates music and to get over a girl you convert her into literature. Maybe writing requires struggle, only a mind full of worries and uncertainty can write, not a stable mind. Perhaps I require a muse or another heart break to kick start the writing engine again. Maybe it requires plenty of time to think which is not possible in a busy schedule or a routine that has multiple elements or maybe I am just lazy now. I can open my MS Word but then open Facebook and youtube and do random scrolling, watch random videos and then close the MS Word crying on my inability to write anymore.

But I think one of the most important reason is that I have become conscious about writing. When I started writing I was free. It was just me, some words and some thoughts. A theme I have to paint across. I didn’t care about people, I didn’t care about what others will think, and I always knew not many people will read it. But the kind of response few posts have generated, the thought that people are reading it and I am writing for 6 years now have generated a kind of pressure, a standard I have to maintain, some expectations I have to fulfil. I can’t randomly pick a topic and write on it because I have to answer now. Whenever I read my early posts, I see lots of mistakes. Silly grammatical mistakes along with sentence correction, many posts which were awful in structure and in their flow. Many didn’t even make any sense but I enjoyed writing them and the need is to enjoy what you do.

I am trying to get back to the basics again, just enjoy the writing. Do not think about the fact that it will be good or bad, what will people think, what kind of image I will create by writing this and that, the assumptions and fears shouldn’t stop the process. Writing in its crude form is expression, good or bad, correct or incorrect, the expression must go on, the memories must be painted, voice should be raised, opinions must be shared and I think I need to go back to the same state from where I started. Just write on whatever I feel to write instead of thinking about it.

Lots of posts in my mind, will write them soon, thank you for reading, I would be glad if you can help me to fight with this phase and in the selection of topics I should write on !! J J