Last ride in the local..........

10:37 PM, the clock showed in my mobile. 10:40 PM, the station clock was showing, 10:43 PM was the time of the train as per the mobile app. The train that takes my soulless body daily back into my room. Though none of this mattered today, I could catch any train today and reach my destination. I was not worried about a single thing. Not thinking about reaching home on time, ordering food, sleeping on time to get up early in the morning to reach office. It was a new kind of freedom I was experiencing, something that empowered me, something that was making me feel, I and only I, was the true master of my destiny.

A train came, halted for a while, giving me enough time to jump in the 1^st class coach. I travel only by 2^nd class due to my limited means, but tonight was different, I had no fear of getting caught by a TC. Tonight, I allowed myself to break all rules. A casual glance into the coach showed me 7 people. A couple who was separated only because of their limited conscious of being in public place, the limited distance also they were struggling to maintain. An old man who was in deep introspection mode with his thick glasses, his expression pretty much reflected that he has no shit left to give to anyone. 2 young man wearing extremely dirty clothes with frightened and uncomfortable looks, pretty much they were travelling with ticket and they were not habitual of doing it. A man in mid 40s who was sleeping with his mouth open. A young beautiful woman with the condescending look of being extremely self-aware and out of place.

Then I saw him, the young chap, tall and well built, the curves of the muscles proudly flaunting his routine gym work. The expensive mobile together with the expensive headphone showing off his disconnect with the reality. He was in a different world, a happy world, a place where there is no worry and pain, no anxiety and grief, no stress and negativity. His feet were in sync with the beats of music, his neck was waving cheerfully and he was singing slowly. He made me hate the world more, his happiness spread an awful sense of negativity in my whole body. He appeared to be one of those privileged kid in life who always gets what they want without going through any pain.

But of course, it doesn’t matter. He can sing all he wants to, I was not bothered for all I knew that soon I won’t have to worry about anything. I ignored him, his existence and existence of everyone around me and went into a deep flashback of my whole life. I took a deep breath thinking about all the practical decisions I made which made me go nowhere, my misery never ended despite following the well-structured secure path laid down by society and the fact that I religiously followed it to be happy and went into deep spiral of sorrow made my decision more firm. I will put an end to my misery today.  

At the next station, both the young men left happily with the joy of not being caught while the woman left without a single expression on her face. I reached the gate of the train, the cool breeze was not giving me any peace today, I was not reflecting on my day and I was not contemplating hope of a better future. I was truly living in the present today, I was meditating. I was meditating on the thought of the decision I was about to execute. The train was going over the sea now. Deep dark water everywhere and at a distant the shining city. The city of dreams where everyone come to be successful but most are limited to be a faceless entity in the crowd.

The young chap also reached the gate near me. He was still dancing and singing on the tunes. His long curly hairs were dancing on the joy of life. He was experiencing the peace in the cool breeze. He was carefree, he was in a state of bliss. I felt an intense anger, muscles of my neck were flinching. My fingers automatically crawled to make a fist. What could be the possible reason of his happiness? What made his life so wonderful? He looked at me for a moment and passed a smile, I didn’t even made a halfhearted attempt to give it back. He didn’t mind it either, he turned his face towards the sea enjoying the sight again.

I looked back in the coach, the sleeping person was still sleeping and the old man had his eyes closed, perhaps he also slept. Till this chap is here I can’t execute my plan. I can’t end my misery. His existence at the door along with me became one more source of pain for me. Then suddenly a thought occurred into my mind, something that had not even occurred remotely once in my entire life. He has not right to be this happy, no one has the right to be happy if I am not. In a flash of second, I changed my plan. I had second thoughts on the 1^st one, but for this 2^nd one, I had no thoughts. I had nothing to lose anymore anyway.

With a very slow and swift movement, I came directly behind him. I was aware that the 2 other man in the coach won’t know a thing. I gathered all my energy into my hands and I pushed him. He didn’t have the time to scream. I was not aware whether he can swim or not, whether a person falling into water from 20 feet survive or not. I was not bothered, I felt really happy. I hoped for his death, at least he will suffocate for few minutes.  I was not bothered about the consequences of what I just did, I sat peacefully on the seat waiting for another such ride or perhaps one of these sleeping man will come on the door and I may push them on the track in front of another train.

The 12 AM Birthday Wishes

It’s 10 PM, 2 hours to deadline, you put your phone on charging as you know it’s going to be a long night. You have a tentative list of people in your mind that are going to call, any addition will be a pleasant surprise and any ‘no show’ will be a big disappointment. You rehearse your responses as you can predict most of the conversation. There is nothing to worry about as you are no longer in college hostel, you don’t require any padding, no one is going to crush raw eggs on you and pour juice in your hair before venting out all of their life frustration on your butt. Life is going to be much civilised now.

It’s 11:30 PM, your best friend calls, nothing unexpected, you knew it, although there is nothing new to talk as you talk to him every second day, you just tease each other by mentioning at 26 Nadal had won that much grand slams, Sachin had played the desert storm, Zuckerberg had founded Facebook while we have done nothing, not a single tale of greatness yet we are the heroes of our story. Now you wait for those calls who will get into waiting, you keep on waiting, nothing happens, you take leave from your best friend and wait till 1 AM. You check on Facebook, no birthday wishes there too unlike few years back when the wall used to get flooded with so many wishes.

It’s a bad start for 1^st birthday outside college life. Lots of thoughts, no one has yet changed the class group name, no one has yet changed the name of other groups. School friends, graduation friends, post-graduation friends, 1^st job friends, 2^nd job friends, Facebook friends, friends of friends, so many domains, so many networks yet no 12 AM wishes.

Utter disappointment, followed by attempt to sleep while coming to terms with the reality and setting the expectation low for the day to follow. Random dreams, phone beeps, it is 7 AM, 30 minutes before your 1^st alarm, your old school mate has woken you from your dreams and brought you back to reality. The call start with birthday greetings followed by his explanation of not wishing at 12 AM, phone beeps again, call on waiting, engineering college friend calling now, birthday greetings followed by her explanation of not wishing at 12 AM. 5 more calls, same pattern, birthday wishes followed by the explanation of not calling at 12 AM.

The party has begun, whatsapp has flooded with message, all the relevant groups name have been changed. Bombardment of calls, too much to catch up, too many stories to tell, too many things to share. Rest of the gaps are filled with replying to people on whatsapp and thanking people on groups. So much change whatsapp and Facebook has brought in our life, even the shifting to Facebook app from desktop version has changed the pattern of birthday wishes. No one checks birthdays at 12 AM anymore, people get to know about birthdays by the Facebook notification early in the morning and hence the walls and calls do not start flooding at 12 AM, the timing has just shifted.

What’s more wonderful and amazing is the shifting of platforms of wishes. Those who used to wish at 12 AM once by calling, some of them won’t even wish anymore, some of them will just write a formal message on some whatsapp group, some will express their wishes on Facebook wall. People who used to wish in person on whatsapp will shift to some random group, people who didn't even use to wish last year will give you a call, people who do not even existed in your life last year will be buying you your birthday cake and you will be throwing with them late night. There are constants and variables in life and that’s the beauty of it. With time, both the birthday celebration and birthday wishes will get more mature. Life will take its toll. As the clock ticks by, as the count increases, the anxiety and fear also increases, too many people to catch up with, too many dreams to chase, too much to explore and too hard to keep pace with life.

Guess the constants on the day of your birthday are your greatest assets even if you talk only twice a year on each other’s birthday. I have realized that a birthday is not only a nice time to introspect but a great occasion to catch up with people and also a nice conversation starter. A birthday wish might be an indicator of what place you occupy in someone's life but definitely not a valid proof. In the end, life is much more about who bothered to remember and wish at 12 AM, there is no time for true wishes.   

Pursuit of happiness......

The night was peaceful, silence unperturbed by the cool breeze flowing like a soft rhythmic music occasionally getting disturbed by random noises with no definite source. Two friends were sitting on the roof top discussing what lies ahead and what to chase. Amidst the chaotic superficial thoughts of getting admission into a good b-school and fetching a high paying job, the conversation was now deep enough to hit the core.

There is something mystical about late night talks, especially those carried after 2 AM. You feel freer and much more relaxed to share your deeper insecurities, you trust the listener more than the day time. You tend to converse more with yourself and explore your priorities more in the pretext of discussing the same with the listener. 2 AM conversations are like meditation, quiet and subtle, like gently exploring the hidden realities of your life.

The philosophical conversation eventually reached the heart of the discussion and the question two friends now faced was what they will earn by getting into a good b school.

“Money, that’s all I am looking forward to, I want to earn, I want to spend a luxurious life, I want to have expensive foreign vacation, I want to buy fancy stuff”, said the first friend, his voice steady defeating the cold wind’s futile attempt to shake it.

“Glory, I want to be known, I want to have an identity, I want to become an example, an inspiration for others”, said the second friend, his eyes beaming with the imagination of his glorious days that will come one day.

“Lots of famous and glorified people have lived a sad life because of no money, money is the ultimate objective”, uttered the first friend with full faith in his philosophy.

“Lots of rich people commit suicide and become depress, money is not everything, with great money comes several other variables that no one accounts for and which makes a person unhappy”, contrasted the second friend

“To me, money is happiness”, the first friend took a firm stand.

“To me, glory is happiness”, said the resolute second friend.

“Seems like we both are chasing the same goal, our ultimate objective is to be happy, we have different approach towards it”, said the first friend in a joyous voice as finally there was some unison in their thoughts.

“Indeed, I hope once we have chased our dreams we will be truly happy and we will live a peaceful life”, hoped the second friend.

Both friends chased their dreams, cleared competitive exams, got into excellent institutes and both received a fair share of glory and money but as they moved up the ladder they were able to see their illusions fading out and the reality far more different than what they perceived it to be. As they inched closer to their goal of money and glory, they found themselves much distant from their eventual goal of being happy. Their money and their glory came at the cost of their happiness.

So what is happiness? What is its definition? Who is truly happy these days? Just close your eyes, take few deep breathes and try to recall who was the last person you met that claimed to be truly happy, now try to think about the last time when you felt you were truly happy and how far you are from that state now. Happiness, so simple a goal yet such a challenging task, everyone is chasing it but no one is getting close to it. Happiness has become a mirage, happiness has become a maze, happiness has become a puzzle which looked very simple initially but with each step towards solution, it becomes tougher and tougher.

The present generation, popularly and ‘sarcastically’ known as so called ‘millennials’ is said to be one of the most confused and unhappy generation who has ever walked on this beautiful planet. One can easily see loneliness in our social media check-ins with multiple people, the laughs we have on memes are temporary, we appear cool with our booze and food where we claim to celebrate life dancing in darkness and random music knowing in background that we will wake up on Monday morning, mechanically wear our dress and go to our school/college/office. We wait desperately for weekends and spend the weekends in fear that they will over soon and we have to face weekdays again.

We were showed a path by our previous generation, a path to success, a path to victory, a path to ultimate happiness and we obediently followed that path killing the painters, musicians, poets, writers, sportsperson and gamers inside us. We happily clipped our feathers to crawl on a well calculated and well defined path. We were fed the fact that the darkness of uncertainty that comes with flexibility of freedom far outweighs it and there is no point moving in a life of misery. We were shown light and we followed it blindly, we closed our eyes and shut our brains.

We fell, we were defeated, and we were embarrassed and insulted countless time. Countless times our faith in ourselves shook but yet we were never broken. We somehow summoned the courage to put together the broken pieces to continue to the destination but we were truly broken when we reached there. Because we didn’t know now what to do, we patiently waited for happiness but it never came. We were completely dumbfounded by the fact that our safe and secure jobs, our prestigious educational institutes, our fancy hobbies do not converted into happiness.

So when we look outside towards children playing on streets from the cage we ourselves have created, we wonder whether this is happiness or happiness is the life of that vagabond who has no source of even food or happiness lies in further success. Everyone we see is unhappy and when someone says he is happy, we don’t trust him, we believe he is hiding the truth. We don’t believe in the notion that one can be happy in the present world. Happiness is always the next step, something that will follow after what we are doing right now.

So what’s the solution or the question is rather whether a solution exist or not? I think the answers are always simple, if you are not doing exercise then do exercise, if you are not studying then study, if you are not reading then read and if you are not happy then be happy. So why to write a prolix post if the answer is so simple? I think being happy is like a magicians trick, it stays unsolvable only till you don’t know the secret but once you know it you realize it was never that amazing that it looked few seconds back. It is like a video game mission, you try and fail countless times and when you finally clear it you can clear it easily any number of time later.

At the same time, I guess it is advisable to finally realize that no one can stay happy all the time. Life is and will remain complicated, there will always be ups and downs, highs and lows but the maturity is in realizing that nothing stays forever. No doubt there will be countless other variables. There will be toxic work environment, broken relationship, evil people, poor grades, no promotions, diseases, bad luck and many unforeseen unpredictable circumstances that will impact your simple equation of being happy. But at the same time there will be great trips, wonderful people, delicious food, amazing movies, great books, promotions, next job, recovery from diseases, serendipity. Life will be balanced and the decision to move from one stage to other will remain in your hand.

Don’t like your job, leave it and get a new job, can’t get a new job right now, then wait patiently till the right time and then get a new job. Getting poor grades, study and try to improve, can’t improve then improve something else that will compensate for poor grades, single and lonely, try to meet and interact with new people, can’t even do that, and then learn to be happy in your own company. You are fat, then exercise and take proper diet, can’t do that, then stay happy being fat.

I know I am oversimplifying things a lot. But that is my experience so far, I have chased happiness and crossed long distance. I am still chasing it. Some days it seems like it is everywhere, some other days I can’t trace it existence till time eternity. But I have come to realize the fact that I can’t blame others for the decision I made, I can’t blame any person for my state if I know that I have the power to change it. I can change both the inner variables and outer variables, or at least experiment with them than doing nothing.

I think this is about time to take accountability of our decisions, the decisions that we took that are making us unhappy and how we can change them and we can help each other to take those decisions that will make a happier future. Let us extend support to everyone struggling in this mean cruel world and spread happiness. Be it a small compliment, be it a little help, be it greeting a stranger good morning with smile, be it sharing your food with someone who is not that fortunate, be it helping those who are making same mistakes as ours, be it forgiving people and forgetting bad experiences, be it taking a break from the path of excellence. I don’t know, there are countless way I can see to be happy and I know they are simple.

Ending with one of my favorite quotes from Jim Carrey.

“I hope everybody gets rich and famous and have everything that they have dreamt of, so that they will know that it is not the answer”