Well, for those who have seen me in the past weeks I would like to clear that I am not here to cry on my failure as some people think I am doing it a lot these days. I don't want to write how unfortunate circumstances were for me that day or what could possible have happened correctly to get me a position as a project trainee in CSC. I don't want to blame god or fate or even myself. I just want to bookmark this event as I am sure its a starting point of something big. I just want to bookmark it so that when I will look back after many years I will know that once in life I was completely faithless, my confidence was shook, I was broken completely yet I somehow struggled and continued to fight and I hope there will be one day when I will reach a good position and I will feel good about this failure too as it taught me a lot. It's more like a public diary entry and I would always like to keep it in front of me.
I was not expecting to clear the written test so I have no feelings associated with being a CSC project trainee or anything like that. I was perfectly happy with my life and the way I had planned it. So getting selected in written was an unexpected event as lot of questions were out of syllabus and I used common sense in most of the questions to tick the right answer. So the chain of unfortunate events started between the period of getting selected for the interview and in between the interview. Interview was something I always considered as my forte. I always thought that I am one of the best person in expressing myself very clearly and I have a very decent communication skills and attitude which will definitely give me an edge over others. Besides I am a person who is always full of confidence and have full faith on himself no matter what happens. I keep myself away from expectations and too much attachment for anything. It keeps me emotionally safe and strong though at times it gives an impression of being heartless.
Anyway between 2 hours from result to interview, suddenly I developed a lot of attachment for this post. I planned many things according to it in my life. I was so hopefully not even even for a second I thought that I won't clear the interview. I was not at all nervous, I was even not thinking about what I will be going to say in side the interview, I was so confident that I will say something brilliant and they would be impressed and they would take me easily. But as it happens, the old hindi quote ' khushiyo ko apni hi najar lag jana', I used to utter that once I clear the written, interview won't be a big deal for me, I would definitely clear it with flying colors. So guess God was in full mood to prove me wrong and to kick me to make me realize that I am getting overconfident again.
Interview started very well, they asked me about what kind of person I am and what are my weaknesses, I answered well.Interviewers seemed impressed but then suddenly they said that I am giving very perfect and nice answers, and perfect is always bookish, and it seems to them that I already came up with a mindset of giving those answers. Now I don't know how come they got this idea but a thing started so positively suddenly became slightly negative. I didn't know what to answer for that argument and I said that I was just describing what I am. Anyway I recovered well in answering the technical questions and I was back on track again.I was answering everything correctly and with full confidence and I was getting really comfortable with the whole situation now. So as it happen with me always, the beginning of something bad when everything is going so good unexpectedly. They asked the same question of what you think about your life 5 years after, and I told them the same old answer, to be a good programmer and employee and worker and blah blah. They asked me to elaborate it ( which they didn't ask anyone else to do), I told the same ;using my potential in company's interest ramayana again, they asked me to elaborate it further, and bang as Saravasthi made kumbhakarna to say 'nindrasan' in place of 'indrasan', I said given a chance a project leader.
Now it suddenly wake up the third interviewer which was so far not so much interested in taking interview and who hasn't asked anything much to any other candidate. He started banging tons of question to me and I was replying everything calmly which was definitely impressing the other 2 interviewers but he was not satisfied. He asked me an out of syllabus question again and I told him that sir i haven't heard that term before as it was not in our syllabus, he thought that I was lying and faking confidence and guess this might be the reason of my doom and again I don't know how come he came to that idea.Anyway I somehow responded good to the rest of the questions and I was sure that I did the best that I can do in those circumstances. I consulted some people and they said it was a stress interview and I performed well, they were just checking my confidence as I was replying the questions very well so I was somewhat assured about my selection.
Anyway 4 days were hell, and when the result came it was much more than hell. I could have danced in hell rather than facing those days after result. Many cleared, and I was not in the list. I could literally feel now the filmy scenes when someone kicks the wall, punches something hard, break things and cry loudly. The world was falling, I lost my faith in myself, I lost every piece of confidence that accumulated in me for 20 years. I lost faith in god being helpful to me always, I doubted on every good thing in my life. It was like suddenly everything changed polarity, me who was 99.9% positive was now 101% negative. The whole interview thing seemed to be a very well planned conspiracy by god to make my life bleak and devoid of any hope.
It took me only a few minutes to get over IIT, it took me only a few hours to get over personal setbacks ( which I guess most of boys had definitely suffered during college days) but for the first time in my life I failed to motivate myself. I failed to recollect myself, I failed to rise again and start running. I failed even to save me from collapsing. Generally I use to concept of 'bigger success' very well to get someone motivated but for the first time I just feel that there are only bigger failures in life. There is nothing such as ' jo hota hai acche ke liye hi hota hai' or ' aage kuch accha definitely hoga'. I felt like it was the last chance in the world to prove myself and I was comprehensively beaten.
Ironically whatever I had written in the essay of written test became true in my own interview. I had written that no matter how brilliant or hardworking you are, if you are not lucky you would definitely fail. I had written that at times a deserving person is wrongly judged and misinterpreted by a wrong person or system, I had written that at times a person may be rejected in an interview as the interviewer may fail to analyze him properly. So it seems like I was writing my own future there which I find very amusing now.
Anyway with one bad thing came many good things in my life. I was supported very well by my family first then friends then seniors. I was revived by my friends making me to realize what I am and I should not loose myself. I am thankful to many people who were a great support to me at that time and who brought me back somehow. I got support from most unexpected people and suddenly the whole world seemed to comfort me and trying to heal me. Also coincidentally, I got more than expected marks in this semester which usually never happens with me. God comforted me with a small band-aid after injuring me greatly as he always did throughout my life. It seems like I was sent through a NOT gate, everything I ever wished and never happened was happening but I can't be happy about it as everything I thought will never happen has happened.
Anyway, almost a week has passed now. I am not fully recovered yet. I am sure I will be alright soon. I often feel like something has snapped, something is missing now, a part of me is killed now. But I won't change my attitude, I would not bow down to the accepted standard of the world, I would continue acting the way I am and I hope one day the world will accept me as I am. I won't fake anything or pretend anything just to be on the safe side. I would be a rebel no matter how much failure it will cost me. I will be the same; honest, direct, optimistic and full of energy. I am finishing this post with a hope that one day surely everything on which my life was based on will come true, the hope, the optimism, the concept of a bigger success, the concept of learning from your mistakes and whatever happened happened for a good reason. The idea of god taking exam and eventually paying you the deserving reward. The idea of having extraordinary failure before extraordinary success. I won't give up and I hope this is the last time I am crying on something, this is the last time I am disappointed over something so people let me cry, let me be sad, let me be dejected and hopeless cause this is the last time you are seeing me like this.
I was not expecting to clear the written test so I have no feelings associated with being a CSC project trainee or anything like that. I was perfectly happy with my life and the way I had planned it. So getting selected in written was an unexpected event as lot of questions were out of syllabus and I used common sense in most of the questions to tick the right answer. So the chain of unfortunate events started between the period of getting selected for the interview and in between the interview. Interview was something I always considered as my forte. I always thought that I am one of the best person in expressing myself very clearly and I have a very decent communication skills and attitude which will definitely give me an edge over others. Besides I am a person who is always full of confidence and have full faith on himself no matter what happens. I keep myself away from expectations and too much attachment for anything. It keeps me emotionally safe and strong though at times it gives an impression of being heartless.
Anyway between 2 hours from result to interview, suddenly I developed a lot of attachment for this post. I planned many things according to it in my life. I was so hopefully not even even for a second I thought that I won't clear the interview. I was not at all nervous, I was even not thinking about what I will be going to say in side the interview, I was so confident that I will say something brilliant and they would be impressed and they would take me easily. But as it happens, the old hindi quote ' khushiyo ko apni hi najar lag jana', I used to utter that once I clear the written, interview won't be a big deal for me, I would definitely clear it with flying colors. So guess God was in full mood to prove me wrong and to kick me to make me realize that I am getting overconfident again.
Interview started very well, they asked me about what kind of person I am and what are my weaknesses, I answered well.Interviewers seemed impressed but then suddenly they said that I am giving very perfect and nice answers, and perfect is always bookish, and it seems to them that I already came up with a mindset of giving those answers. Now I don't know how come they got this idea but a thing started so positively suddenly became slightly negative. I didn't know what to answer for that argument and I said that I was just describing what I am. Anyway I recovered well in answering the technical questions and I was back on track again.I was answering everything correctly and with full confidence and I was getting really comfortable with the whole situation now. So as it happen with me always, the beginning of something bad when everything is going so good unexpectedly. They asked the same question of what you think about your life 5 years after, and I told them the same old answer, to be a good programmer and employee and worker and blah blah. They asked me to elaborate it ( which they didn't ask anyone else to do), I told the same ;using my potential in company's interest ramayana again, they asked me to elaborate it further, and bang as Saravasthi made kumbhakarna to say 'nindrasan' in place of 'indrasan', I said given a chance a project leader.
Now it suddenly wake up the third interviewer which was so far not so much interested in taking interview and who hasn't asked anything much to any other candidate. He started banging tons of question to me and I was replying everything calmly which was definitely impressing the other 2 interviewers but he was not satisfied. He asked me an out of syllabus question again and I told him that sir i haven't heard that term before as it was not in our syllabus, he thought that I was lying and faking confidence and guess this might be the reason of my doom and again I don't know how come he came to that idea.Anyway I somehow responded good to the rest of the questions and I was sure that I did the best that I can do in those circumstances. I consulted some people and they said it was a stress interview and I performed well, they were just checking my confidence as I was replying the questions very well so I was somewhat assured about my selection.
Anyway 4 days were hell, and when the result came it was much more than hell. I could have danced in hell rather than facing those days after result. Many cleared, and I was not in the list. I could literally feel now the filmy scenes when someone kicks the wall, punches something hard, break things and cry loudly. The world was falling, I lost my faith in myself, I lost every piece of confidence that accumulated in me for 20 years. I lost faith in god being helpful to me always, I doubted on every good thing in my life. It was like suddenly everything changed polarity, me who was 99.9% positive was now 101% negative. The whole interview thing seemed to be a very well planned conspiracy by god to make my life bleak and devoid of any hope.
It took me only a few minutes to get over IIT, it took me only a few hours to get over personal setbacks ( which I guess most of boys had definitely suffered during college days) but for the first time in my life I failed to motivate myself. I failed to recollect myself, I failed to rise again and start running. I failed even to save me from collapsing. Generally I use to concept of 'bigger success' very well to get someone motivated but for the first time I just feel that there are only bigger failures in life. There is nothing such as ' jo hota hai acche ke liye hi hota hai' or ' aage kuch accha definitely hoga'. I felt like it was the last chance in the world to prove myself and I was comprehensively beaten.
Ironically whatever I had written in the essay of written test became true in my own interview. I had written that no matter how brilliant or hardworking you are, if you are not lucky you would definitely fail. I had written that at times a deserving person is wrongly judged and misinterpreted by a wrong person or system, I had written that at times a person may be rejected in an interview as the interviewer may fail to analyze him properly. So it seems like I was writing my own future there which I find very amusing now.
Anyway with one bad thing came many good things in my life. I was supported very well by my family first then friends then seniors. I was revived by my friends making me to realize what I am and I should not loose myself. I am thankful to many people who were a great support to me at that time and who brought me back somehow. I got support from most unexpected people and suddenly the whole world seemed to comfort me and trying to heal me. Also coincidentally, I got more than expected marks in this semester which usually never happens with me. God comforted me with a small band-aid after injuring me greatly as he always did throughout my life. It seems like I was sent through a NOT gate, everything I ever wished and never happened was happening but I can't be happy about it as everything I thought will never happen has happened.
Anyway, almost a week has passed now. I am not fully recovered yet. I am sure I will be alright soon. I often feel like something has snapped, something is missing now, a part of me is killed now. But I won't change my attitude, I would not bow down to the accepted standard of the world, I would continue acting the way I am and I hope one day the world will accept me as I am. I won't fake anything or pretend anything just to be on the safe side. I would be a rebel no matter how much failure it will cost me. I will be the same; honest, direct, optimistic and full of energy. I am finishing this post with a hope that one day surely everything on which my life was based on will come true, the hope, the optimism, the concept of a bigger success, the concept of learning from your mistakes and whatever happened happened for a good reason. The idea of god taking exam and eventually paying you the deserving reward. The idea of having extraordinary failure before extraordinary success. I won't give up and I hope this is the last time I am crying on something, this is the last time I am disappointed over something so people let me cry, let me be sad, let me be dejected and hopeless cause this is the last time you are seeing me like this.
