Finally the most crucial day of my life arrived. It was JEE paper and I was just thinking how I failed to put good efforts during the long 3 year span. Why, I never understand. Was I not eligible or my mind was not set to grasp scientific things. I am not denying my mistakes but then also circumstances never favored me. At least those topics which I had prepared well, I was not having confidence in those one also. I was not ready. I wanted to escape. Just wanted to have a worm hole taking me away for this 6 hours into another dimension. But I had to face it. The JEE paper without any preparation ironically being preparing it for past 3 years.
Soon the paper was given to us. And as expected it was full of surprise. Partial marking and no negative marking in MCQs. The paper once again appeared very familiar except those nasty organic questions. As I had not prepared major portion of organic from any PHD level book I couldn't expect myself to solve those. Some question were data based, this baffled me. I was maintaining a decent pace. I was able to solve more than I expected from myself. But due to bansal's incidences I didn't dare to tick on answers for more than 8 questions. I later found that 6 of them were correct.
Three hours went in a second. I was knowing many other questions also but time didn't allowed me. I wasn't able to gave a single glance to more than 20 question. 3-d vector the topic I had prepared at its very best I wasn't able to solve its questions even after applying 5 different methods. I was frustrated but still was hoping to lie on the boundary after this paper. I had to give my best in the second paper.
I had my migraine tablets with me which I was expected to take in the break. But I didn't take them as I was well that time. With the start of second paper my migraine also started. Just as same year god was willing to punish me for some cardinals sins which I had made in my previous birth. I faced the pain at its highest intensity that day. May be I had taken a lot of stress on myself due to expectations of friends and family and of mine also. I wasn't able to focus. Some how I struggled and kept on doing questions. I was finding various difficulties and a vomit like feeling was also aiding to my trouble.To aid in my difficulties almost 80% of the physics paper was from those 4 topics which I had left and maths had lots of complex number stuff the only topic in which I was weak. Some how I finished the paper and was expecting to be on boundary of the cut off. Those rascals had also misprinted in the OMR physics for maths and vice versa which confused us.
I was writhing in pain when I reached home. I took my tablets and went for a sound sleep. I woke up around 9 pm to check my destiny. My expectations and joy collapsed like the world trade center. All the questions which I had expected to do right were aiding in negative only. And how by forgetting multiplying by 2, drawing right structure in rough but ticking the wrong one , assuming nickel's atomic number as 27 instead of 28, not counting the number of bonds properly and many such silly mistakes which I used to commit in bansal test I had done here also. I was living my nightmare ones again. A total of 95 marks silly mistake I had done which can definitely assure my entry into an IIT.
I celebrated my sorrow for 1 day but soon got charged for the next exams. VITEEE was on 17 april and EEE was on 25. Their was some hope of a re-exam due to lots of mistake which IIT madras had done this hope continued to inspire me till the jee result declaration. I decided to give my best efforts and perform well on those exams. Meanwhile started ayurvedic treatment for my migraine. It restricted me a lot from preparing well but some how I finished the basics of all the uncovered topics. Didn't paid much heed to VITEEE but before EEE I completed all the theory and questions from NCERT and some other books so was happy and relieved.
With some initial problems of finding the center I reached their and started praying for a 10k rank. The paper started and my horror of screwing exam returned. I had already taken migraine tablets this time but was not sure of those stupid silly mistakes. I kept on checking even the calculations after doing each problem which screwed my pace. I was able to solve only the half paper. Rest questions were also very easy and If I might get half more hours I might be able to do 30 more questions. I calculated the marks later and they were coming less than 140.
At that time I had decided to prepare for my bitsat test which was on 24th may. I had planned to finish magnetism and modern physics from some standard books but later I changed my plan. I thought I had already screwed 3 exams and their is no chance of getting a good college from those so I must work hard to do well in my state PET which was on next week. For the first time I studied really hard and consistently for more than 12 hours a day regularly for a week. I finished whole the revision from books and bansal notes and done well in my state pet.
Now the only exam left was BITSAT. BITS pilani the college which I admired more than IIT. My dream college it was since 12th as it had no reservation and super campus culture. I was just googling their forum ones and found that all the students which managed to get around 280 marks had scored high (250+) in aieee. I was worried as according to my present status I might end up with screwing bitsat exam too. I realized the primary mistake of mine during all exams were not to solve their previous years paper. So this time I started doing guess papers alongside revision.
I screwed the first few getting not more than 180. It increased my worries a lot. But I tried hard and started hard working and revising more and more. All was well till 18 when my time table got screwed as I wasn't able to sleep properly. Those late night wakings hovered my complete day and I quit the study once again but at this time I was in the most confident and relieved state. The day came , the day of freedom . my last competitive exam of the year. The paper seemed very easy at first and I was doing fine till maths section arrived. I stuck at a question and to much of my bad luck same question pattern repeated thrice times. The clock declared 11:30 and I was now free.
I had attempted 122 question in 2 and half hour after the accident of only 44 questions in AIEEE paper in 3 hours which was relieving. I was expecting 280+ score which would assure my entry into bits but it came only 230. This time I wasn't shocked as I was already familiar with this kinds of situation before. The splendor had ended. I failed to gain a position in any national level college. But I wasn't unhappy or depressed. Although I wasn't prepared for such kind of situations and never had imagined myself in a local college but I adopted soon. I hadn't lost myself by this. I reassembled my soul and confidence and started thinking positive again. Enjoyed the next days sleeping, facebooking and playing cricket. That's all about my past 3 year life.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Escaping from hell and after....
Around the end of December. I was dead tired. Tired from hectic coaching schedule, daily mess and fights at the hostel , crappy food and hard work not getting paid off. The release of 3 idiots proved very relaxing for me at that time. I entered in a film theater after almost 10 years and I enjoyed it. It inculcated zest and enthusiasm in me again. I was filled with positive energy and started again afresh. I always believe that it is never very late. The later you start the faster you have to run without getting tired and I was ready for it this time.
I had written some resolutions on my text book during the last minutes of 2009. I was happy that although I lost many things in 2009 but eventually I emerged out as a much stronger and enduring person. I had still not quit and was willing to try once again. The first week of 2010 went very well. I utilized my newly inculcated energy very well and was able to do lots of hard work. But when the coaching timings were hiked I was completely cracked. Now the timings were 9 to 12:45 ( teacher left us at 1:15 or 1:30) then classes again start from 2:30 to 5 ( teacher left us at 6) . So although I was now willing to utilize time I had no time left. The back load was increasing at an alarming rate. To add in it, I got struck with fever and severe migraine attacks. I wasn't able to handle the pressure of coaching and studies.
I had finished most of the maths syllabus but had to complete almost 70% of chemistry and 85% of physics. I was able to solve the questions of physics in review test whose topics I had learned earlier. So I thought physics could play the role of trump card for me and I must complete it first. As it appeared almost impossible while staying in kota So I decided to run away from hell 1 month before the coaching ending. Although It was a very risky decision but I had to take it as it seemed best that time. I enjoyed the last week doing conversations and playing with friends. I left the hell at 31st Jan and was very happy.
I planned a very hectic schedule in the train which included a 15 hour study daily. But at home I lost my pace and became lazy. I was doing things at a very slow pace. But as I was doing things on my own, I was in a very stress free condition. But I took the wrong decision of completely leaving chemistry and maths. Also my net addiction had returned due to which I started wasting a lot of time at night by playing online games and chatting. I was desperately waiting for this era to pass. I was imagining myself in a good college. I was sure to do good in BITSAT and AIEEE if not IIT JEE. At home frequent collisions of me with dad and sis was common. Due to which my mood went off and I wasn't able to focus on study for several hours.
I kept on changing time table but wasn't able to obey a single one effectively. Soon march arrived and I had lots of back load to do. But at march I lost my wits and conscience. I didn't want to study any more. I was tired and frustrated mugging same things again and again. And in those untouched topics nothing seemed to get inserted into my mind. I was struggling a lot, reading the text more than 4 times but still not getting a single statement. The topics which I had already done more than 10 times I had forgotten them all. Not able to remember even a single formula. What a pathetic situation that was.
I didn't know how fast march went. It just came and go in a single second. I hadn't done even the 1 percent of what I was supposed to do. Meanwhile frequent migraine attacks at alternate days were ruining my schedule. If one day I woke up early and started studying well in the morning around 12 my head started paining a lot and I had to quit. I decided to finish my maths portion and wasted last 15 days in just a single but important topic of co-ordinate geometry.
When April arrived I was just expecting a miracle . Only a miracle could save me that time as I wasn't able to finish even 50% of the JEE syllabus. I was just thinking how fast this year went and I just kept on making plans but didn't implemented a single one. First 5 days of April were wasted in the same thoughts. But later I decided to revise the complete syllabus once again and hope for a miracle. It seemed much better than learning any new untouched topic. The only thing making me worry was I had not even solved a single question from 4 important topics of physics naming optics,magnetism and emi, modern physics and waves. I relied on praying and rest of my confidence and good luck which helped me last time.
I had written some resolutions on my text book during the last minutes of 2009. I was happy that although I lost many things in 2009 but eventually I emerged out as a much stronger and enduring person. I had still not quit and was willing to try once again. The first week of 2010 went very well. I utilized my newly inculcated energy very well and was able to do lots of hard work. But when the coaching timings were hiked I was completely cracked. Now the timings were 9 to 12:45 ( teacher left us at 1:15 or 1:30) then classes again start from 2:30 to 5 ( teacher left us at 6) . So although I was now willing to utilize time I had no time left. The back load was increasing at an alarming rate. To add in it, I got struck with fever and severe migraine attacks. I wasn't able to handle the pressure of coaching and studies.
I had finished most of the maths syllabus but had to complete almost 70% of chemistry and 85% of physics. I was able to solve the questions of physics in review test whose topics I had learned earlier. So I thought physics could play the role of trump card for me and I must complete it first. As it appeared almost impossible while staying in kota So I decided to run away from hell 1 month before the coaching ending. Although It was a very risky decision but I had to take it as it seemed best that time. I enjoyed the last week doing conversations and playing with friends. I left the hell at 31st Jan and was very happy.
I planned a very hectic schedule in the train which included a 15 hour study daily. But at home I lost my pace and became lazy. I was doing things at a very slow pace. But as I was doing things on my own, I was in a very stress free condition. But I took the wrong decision of completely leaving chemistry and maths. Also my net addiction had returned due to which I started wasting a lot of time at night by playing online games and chatting. I was desperately waiting for this era to pass. I was imagining myself in a good college. I was sure to do good in BITSAT and AIEEE if not IIT JEE. At home frequent collisions of me with dad and sis was common. Due to which my mood went off and I wasn't able to focus on study for several hours.
I kept on changing time table but wasn't able to obey a single one effectively. Soon march arrived and I had lots of back load to do. But at march I lost my wits and conscience. I didn't want to study any more. I was tired and frustrated mugging same things again and again. And in those untouched topics nothing seemed to get inserted into my mind. I was struggling a lot, reading the text more than 4 times but still not getting a single statement. The topics which I had already done more than 10 times I had forgotten them all. Not able to remember even a single formula. What a pathetic situation that was.
I didn't know how fast march went. It just came and go in a single second. I hadn't done even the 1 percent of what I was supposed to do. Meanwhile frequent migraine attacks at alternate days were ruining my schedule. If one day I woke up early and started studying well in the morning around 12 my head started paining a lot and I had to quit. I decided to finish my maths portion and wasted last 15 days in just a single but important topic of co-ordinate geometry.
When April arrived I was just expecting a miracle . Only a miracle could save me that time as I wasn't able to finish even 50% of the JEE syllabus. I was just thinking how fast this year went and I just kept on making plans but didn't implemented a single one. First 5 days of April were wasted in the same thoughts. But later I decided to revise the complete syllabus once again and hope for a miracle. It seemed much better than learning any new untouched topic. The only thing making me worry was I had not even solved a single question from 4 important topics of physics naming optics,magnetism and emi, modern physics and waves. I relied on praying and rest of my confidence and good luck which helped me last time.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I'll spit on his face if I met him again.......
This post is dedicated to my dear landlord "uncle" the biggest asshole I have ever faced in my life. As I have already mentioned in my blog how reluctant I was to live in his house but unfortunately I had to stay in it for 9 months. There is another unfair system in kota in which you have to give a caution money in advance so that you can't leave the room earlier. So I had also paid 4500rs in advance which uncle was going to return me in dec or jan. Uncle used to look more like a less paid servant. Very bad and tortured clothes and Aunty also used to wear very cheap clothes.
At the very first day I forgot to turn off the lights of my room and aunty politely asked me to turn off them next time. It was a good experience the wolves were talking underneath sheep skin. Soon uncle showed his real colors. He daily used to abuse us a lot if some one had left the cooler or light open. First Uncle had a mess with the Delhi boys living on ground floor. Now daily fight between them in the evening was common. It disturbed a lot in our studies. We used to sneak at some hidden places to get a glance or some words of that fight. One day there was a huge aggressive telephonic interaction of uncle and their dad and aunty throw out all of their luggage. The complaint to the police and uncle hadn't returned their caution money of 8krs. I don't know what happened next. Aunty was uncle's DHAL as if the students started dominating then AUNTY came into play. They were having NAPPA and VEGETA like relationship. Aunty's powers were much more superior. She was a fierce fighter equipped with all kinds of bad words and slang.
My first selfish mess owner was more degraded person. The food they used to send was awful. No quality and nutrition at all. I was paying 2500 for food including 2 times of milk and another boy of my hostel was paying the same but he was supplied 3 times milk. The milk had 90% water and rest 10% I don't know. They sent us calabash consistently for a week. When I complained about this the owner said that how can they sent calabash to us as he hadn't bought them for 2 weeks. Then he said it cost 60 per kg shortly his wife unfamiliar with out conversations said it cost 30 per kg . I called mom and she said it is only 15 per kg. The mess used to be off at Sunday. To save money I used to do fast at this day. This act was quite peculiar for the students living with me as they were born with a silver spoon.
I had broken all the record of misery that time. One day I had a severe fight with mess owner. He told that he would inform me if the food will not be coming today. But he didn't do that and we all were hungry. When I reached there for a serious talk. He started shouting and said I told you I'll inform you if food will be coming today. Kota peoples are degraded , having no emotions , self respect and exceptionally talented liar. I demanded for the return of my money that day. Amazingly the mess owner reduced the price of food from 1700 to 1500. This people can degrade that much I hadn't expected. Just to save 5 rs they had crossed all the limits.
I changed the mess. My new mess was good and used to serve quality food. My food problem was solved. Till now Uncle had thrown out the music boy and eaten up his 4500rs also. Frequent collisions of uncle with other students were common. I used to argue a lot with him. Many a times I thought to say to him " sale paise bharte to hai fir tere baap ka kya jata hai light chalaye ya pankha". But I was also restricted if he thrown out my luggage I had no place to stay. So some how we controlled our fury and revenging intentions. He used to switch off our cooler from outside during morning giving excuses of filling them with water. He often threaten us to take extra charges for electricity use.
He took out all the coolers before oct. Due to this all of us were very discontented. But no one had any right . We were living like animals. No rights just bear his dominance patiently. But we used to balance the thing in his absence. Turned on all the lights, fans and cooler. Opened the water purifier and wasted a lot from it. The water purifier was also a trash old plastic box. It hardly had any filtering property left. One of the fellow had started relying on mineral water. We created havoc in his absence. And our street fights also aided a lot in it.
When we came back from Diwali vacations. Uncle had once again used his master mind. He cut the wires of fridge to save his electricity and denied to repair it. We had to accept the situation unwillingly. All the students there were pseudo brave. They used to talk bravely behind uncle's back but in face of him they knew only one word " yes uncle ". I had rebelled few times but in a soft and light manner.
The main drama started when the winter season started. Although Kota is a very hot city but still We didn't like bathing in morning with chilled water. So every body planned to ask uncle for a geyser. But none of us had the guts to initiate. Finally I gathered all the students and we initiated in leadership of mine and MOTRAM. Although I initiated and propagated later MOTRAM took all the credit. Uncle was reluctant but due to a fear of riot he gave us the date of mid November.
The major drama started then. Most of us had bought an electric kettle. Which sucks lots of electricity. A boy had brought an electric cooker. And 2 others a heater. We enjoyed that era. Daily uncle used to abuse us a lot. Some time he caught us using them but he couldn't do any thing. He just threatened us that he'll increase the electricity charge. But we used to shuffle the rooms. At Sunday while making the family Maggy it was like a military mission. Two students were on the gate. Two on the balcony to keep an eye on uncle. One roaming here and there for some ground floor traitors and one with mobile phone to inform in emergency. Same cautions had to be taken while using kettle or heater.
Uncle started waking up at 4am to check whether the heaters are running or not. But due to some miracle one meter stopped blinking fast and we can enjoy the most in that room. UNO became enjoyable under the soothing warmness of heater or eating food or gossips. When the end days were coming we started planning what should we do to take revenge. Some of our creative plans were
1) blast a huge "rassi bomb" put in glass bottle at the roof
2) destroy the condenser of the fridge
3) fill the walls with lots of slang and cover them with paper ( the delhi boys had already did that )
4) using lime juice or pomegranate juice to create permanent marks on tiles
5) crushing the water purifier
and many other but all were rough futile thoughts needed to burst out our frustration. Uncle always installed half filled cylinder which exhausted soon and after replacing once he denied to install another. I used to say that time that I'll gonna spit on his face before leaving. We had a mobile theft on the ground floor and all of us finally came to the point that uncle had stolen it. The ground floor was a WWE ring. There were 2 major blocks there. One included the landlord and their relative aunty and other one a bengali aunty and a bihari aunty. They used to quarrel daily on non sense things and my room was in such a position that I was disturbed a lot. That time I used to study in the toilet. The fight gradually turned more vehement day by day.
Finally when I had decided to leave that MANHOOS house. I demanded my caution money back which uncle refused. He refused to return all of the others student caution money also. He had already eaten up the caution money of 5 students in the running era. When my dad and mom , simultaneously Amar's dad also arrived. They had some serious discussions for the return of caution money. Uncle was also threatening us as he had some contacts with GUNDA peoples. Finally uncle told us that he didn't have any money as of now and would deposit the price in our bank account but as expected he didn't do it. This time as I'm free if I met with him again I'll definitely spit on his face and punch him hard in his belly to take my revenge.
At the very first day I forgot to turn off the lights of my room and aunty politely asked me to turn off them next time. It was a good experience the wolves were talking underneath sheep skin. Soon uncle showed his real colors. He daily used to abuse us a lot if some one had left the cooler or light open. First Uncle had a mess with the Delhi boys living on ground floor. Now daily fight between them in the evening was common. It disturbed a lot in our studies. We used to sneak at some hidden places to get a glance or some words of that fight. One day there was a huge aggressive telephonic interaction of uncle and their dad and aunty throw out all of their luggage. The complaint to the police and uncle hadn't returned their caution money of 8krs. I don't know what happened next. Aunty was uncle's DHAL as if the students started dominating then AUNTY came into play. They were having NAPPA and VEGETA like relationship. Aunty's powers were much more superior. She was a fierce fighter equipped with all kinds of bad words and slang.
My first selfish mess owner was more degraded person. The food they used to send was awful. No quality and nutrition at all. I was paying 2500 for food including 2 times of milk and another boy of my hostel was paying the same but he was supplied 3 times milk. The milk had 90% water and rest 10% I don't know. They sent us calabash consistently for a week. When I complained about this the owner said that how can they sent calabash to us as he hadn't bought them for 2 weeks. Then he said it cost 60 per kg shortly his wife unfamiliar with out conversations said it cost 30 per kg . I called mom and she said it is only 15 per kg. The mess used to be off at Sunday. To save money I used to do fast at this day. This act was quite peculiar for the students living with me as they were born with a silver spoon.
I had broken all the record of misery that time. One day I had a severe fight with mess owner. He told that he would inform me if the food will not be coming today. But he didn't do that and we all were hungry. When I reached there for a serious talk. He started shouting and said I told you I'll inform you if food will be coming today. Kota peoples are degraded , having no emotions , self respect and exceptionally talented liar. I demanded for the return of my money that day. Amazingly the mess owner reduced the price of food from 1700 to 1500. This people can degrade that much I hadn't expected. Just to save 5 rs they had crossed all the limits.
I changed the mess. My new mess was good and used to serve quality food. My food problem was solved. Till now Uncle had thrown out the music boy and eaten up his 4500rs also. Frequent collisions of uncle with other students were common. I used to argue a lot with him. Many a times I thought to say to him " sale paise bharte to hai fir tere baap ka kya jata hai light chalaye ya pankha". But I was also restricted if he thrown out my luggage I had no place to stay. So some how we controlled our fury and revenging intentions. He used to switch off our cooler from outside during morning giving excuses of filling them with water. He often threaten us to take extra charges for electricity use.
He took out all the coolers before oct. Due to this all of us were very discontented. But no one had any right . We were living like animals. No rights just bear his dominance patiently. But we used to balance the thing in his absence. Turned on all the lights, fans and cooler. Opened the water purifier and wasted a lot from it. The water purifier was also a trash old plastic box. It hardly had any filtering property left. One of the fellow had started relying on mineral water. We created havoc in his absence. And our street fights also aided a lot in it.
When we came back from Diwali vacations. Uncle had once again used his master mind. He cut the wires of fridge to save his electricity and denied to repair it. We had to accept the situation unwillingly. All the students there were pseudo brave. They used to talk bravely behind uncle's back but in face of him they knew only one word " yes uncle ". I had rebelled few times but in a soft and light manner.
The main drama started when the winter season started. Although Kota is a very hot city but still We didn't like bathing in morning with chilled water. So every body planned to ask uncle for a geyser. But none of us had the guts to initiate. Finally I gathered all the students and we initiated in leadership of mine and MOTRAM. Although I initiated and propagated later MOTRAM took all the credit. Uncle was reluctant but due to a fear of riot he gave us the date of mid November.
The major drama started then. Most of us had bought an electric kettle. Which sucks lots of electricity. A boy had brought an electric cooker. And 2 others a heater. We enjoyed that era. Daily uncle used to abuse us a lot. Some time he caught us using them but he couldn't do any thing. He just threatened us that he'll increase the electricity charge. But we used to shuffle the rooms. At Sunday while making the family Maggy it was like a military mission. Two students were on the gate. Two on the balcony to keep an eye on uncle. One roaming here and there for some ground floor traitors and one with mobile phone to inform in emergency. Same cautions had to be taken while using kettle or heater.
Uncle started waking up at 4am to check whether the heaters are running or not. But due to some miracle one meter stopped blinking fast and we can enjoy the most in that room. UNO became enjoyable under the soothing warmness of heater or eating food or gossips. When the end days were coming we started planning what should we do to take revenge. Some of our creative plans were
1) blast a huge "rassi bomb" put in glass bottle at the roof
2) destroy the condenser of the fridge
3) fill the walls with lots of slang and cover them with paper ( the delhi boys had already did that )
4) using lime juice or pomegranate juice to create permanent marks on tiles
5) crushing the water purifier
and many other but all were rough futile thoughts needed to burst out our frustration. Uncle always installed half filled cylinder which exhausted soon and after replacing once he denied to install another. I used to say that time that I'll gonna spit on his face before leaving. We had a mobile theft on the ground floor and all of us finally came to the point that uncle had stolen it. The ground floor was a WWE ring. There were 2 major blocks there. One included the landlord and their relative aunty and other one a bengali aunty and a bihari aunty. They used to quarrel daily on non sense things and my room was in such a position that I was disturbed a lot. That time I used to study in the toilet. The fight gradually turned more vehement day by day.
Finally when I had decided to leave that MANHOOS house. I demanded my caution money back which uncle refused. He refused to return all of the others student caution money also. He had already eaten up the caution money of 5 students in the running era. When my dad and mom , simultaneously Amar's dad also arrived. They had some serious discussions for the return of caution money. Uncle was also threatening us as he had some contacts with GUNDA peoples. Finally uncle told us that he didn't have any money as of now and would deposit the price in our bank account but as expected he didn't do it. This time as I'm free if I met with him again I'll definitely spit on his face and punch him hard in his belly to take my revenge.
A worthless phase of life....
After the 3rd test accident I was transfixed by the failure. I had worked hard in maths but still screwed the paper. I stopped studying. Just rough thinking daily. I realized that I should have never taken PCM as subject as I had no interest in it. I must go for something creative. Although I liked physics very much but I liked facts and theoretical stuff more. I love to read relativity but can't solve its problem. Same was with other things also. Meanwhile 2 more faculties left and we were supplied with a new organic teacher SKM.
In his first lecture only half of the class was filled but the second one was flooded.He was an awesome teacher. He really maintained a good momentum in each of his lecture and I enjoyed learning organic chemistry. Meanwhile I relied again on my mugging abilities and started mugging inorganic at its best. The physics teacher's level was far away from me. I was struggling a lot and always reluctant to complete any of the back load. Neither I was paying any attention to the current lectures. Actually I was indeed trying but was not getting anything in my mind. I had completed theory many times but still wasn't able to solve even the average problems.
Soon the 4th test arrived, I wasn't even prepared 5% at all. But I laid the primary emphasis on doing less mistake. I succeeded and done only 3 marks mistake and my rank hiked to 1238. My fellow students called it " divide and rule" as their ranks had been declined a lot in this test. Soon the Diwali vacations started. Although I was reluctant to go back to home but my parents had already done my reservation. I thought to finish all my back load in this vacation and enter in the top 500 after this. But I got carried away at home. My parents were also reluctant for my study plan. They advised me to take complete mental rest and I also didn't disobeyed them. I wasted those 5 golden days which could bring me back to a very strong position.
When the classes resumed our maths teacher asked how many of the students studied for more than 4 hours daily and only 3 students raised their hands out of 175. This was the story. Meanwhile swine flu had arrived in kota. Its quite funny when it had not reached here all the students were wearing mask and using handkerchief to cover their nose. Even I tried it for 2 days but soon left this practice as I was looking awkward and different. But when it arrived none of us even bother to use a handkerchief.
The shuffling happened and I was sent to x10 batch again. I was happy at least I managed to get a x tag but x11 was like heaven that time. It had all the good faculties and the previous students of x11 were all hiked. But x10 also had good faculty. Our maths teachers was a gem. Although I had studied with him before but I didn't have a good image of him that time. He was rude and didn't miss any chance to disrespect student. Some time he went very vehement and used slang and many other bad words. He could quit the class anytime without the fear of anyone . I used to call him psycho. But his teaching abilities were exceptional. He brought the fear of doing homework again in me and I started learning maths again. I was able to understand each and every point in his flowing lecture. He also created very funny situations and jokes. We laughed a lot in his class. IF he was in good mood his lectures were like a 1 and half hour comedy film with lots of learning.
But I lost my organic teacher because of whom my ranked was hiked. Our new organic teacher was a dumb person. He didn't know how to teach. His lectures were very dull and all the students used to yawn only. We complaint a lot for his removal. Meanwhile bansal sir launched the martial law. No student was allowed to attend class in some other batches. It screwed all of us. As we were now bound to take class of that organic teacher. Soon I lost my command on organic. I wasn't able to understand a single point on his notes. When the other student had accepted their defeat I once again initiated for a riot and this time we got succeed. The teacher had changed but we had lost a major portion.
Our physics teacher had also changed and now we were supplied with the HOD of physics. I was happy that now I'll study from a quality teacher. But his teaching standard was well above my level. I was able to understand the core of the lectures of past teacher but this time I was even struggling in the basics. The syllabus completion process had picked a tremendous pace and i was getting behind each day. If I studied maths then chem and phy were left out and vice versa. The good thing was that I was finishing my complete maths homework. In the next review test my rank came down to 1469.I was very tired and frustrated because of this life.
No pace at all. Just perpetual monotonous acts again and again. I felt like trapped in a cage for thousand years. Study was so boring and annoying. Knowledge gain was replaced with the ability to solve few questions in lesser time. We all were mugging but not learning. Concepts were replaced by formula. And the mess food really made me to vomit daily. Only radio was giving me some sort of peace. I was not a music fan till but had become now. I used to hear it even in the toilet or while bathing. The programs like " my fm ri sholey ( a rajasthani sequel of sholey) and " shayar jasbati" on 94.3 my fm were very enjoyable. At night other people enjoyed a program " naughty rateein" with meenakshi I didn't like this program too much but occasionally I did hear it for a change.
We used to waste lots of time in gossiping about past. It mainly revolved around girls or fights. We all were sharing our common pain. At night we used to play UNO which always ended at 2 or 3 am. I was taking a sleep of 2 or 3 hours only at night. But it got balanced as after returning I used to bethat much tired that I slept just after falling on bed. As no one was there to woke me I always ended with a nap of 4 to 5 hours screwing all of my daily planned schedule. Sometimes I used crazy tricks like switching off my lights to reflect that I'm sleeping meanwhile I was studying.My room was better in terms that it had various sources of light. My bathroom window open in a forest with lots of peacock.
Soon the 6th review test arrived. I was only prepared in maths. At each test I always used to think that I'll thrown away in the range of 4k but some how managed to remain above 2000. At this test also with very less preparation and almost no revision I managed to get 1751 rank.My average time of study was less than a hour in a day while other student used to study for more than 6 hours. I didn't know either they just acted or they really did but their most of the homework was complete while mine was not. So I became very overconfident that with this much less study and less preparation I'm able to score good marks including a lots of silly mistakes. If I omit the silly mistake my rank hiked around 500.
I hyped my coincidental success a lot and became very overconfident. I always used to think if one day I'll manage to study for 6 hours daily consistently and complete most of the syllabus then I'll definitely clear JEE with flying colors. I was just thinking doing nothing concrete or if I was doing circumstances were not with me. Occasionally those migraine attacks or rib pain hindered my preparation and screwed up the whole schedule. I was still living in dream to get a top 1000 rank but was doing nothing for it.
Each day I slept with a vow of studying more than 10 hours but never managed to do it. If I went out of my room I returned after 4 hours with a very heavy mind that I wasted time. But I couldn't resist from being the part of a lengthy gossip or playing UNO or some other self created game. Even the telephonic conversations with friends or family members extended for hours. Time was sleeping from my hands and I was unable to hold it. I was in a loon like stage. My mind was out of my wits and things were just randomly and automatically happening.
I was frustrated and want to escape from this hell but was restricted. Nothing seemed to be of any joy and hope. Some topics I had done more than 10 times and some other not even touched. Some questions I had solved many a times and some formula I hadn't given a single glance. All the other students were also in the same stage except MOTRAM. I was finding hard to live in that tiny room with only books around me. I was lost in my own dreams. Life was bleak and hopeless as at that time I had realized that if I continued with the same routine I'll not have any chance to stand for JEE.
In his first lecture only half of the class was filled but the second one was flooded.He was an awesome teacher. He really maintained a good momentum in each of his lecture and I enjoyed learning organic chemistry. Meanwhile I relied again on my mugging abilities and started mugging inorganic at its best. The physics teacher's level was far away from me. I was struggling a lot and always reluctant to complete any of the back load. Neither I was paying any attention to the current lectures. Actually I was indeed trying but was not getting anything in my mind. I had completed theory many times but still wasn't able to solve even the average problems.
Soon the 4th test arrived, I wasn't even prepared 5% at all. But I laid the primary emphasis on doing less mistake. I succeeded and done only 3 marks mistake and my rank hiked to 1238. My fellow students called it " divide and rule" as their ranks had been declined a lot in this test. Soon the Diwali vacations started. Although I was reluctant to go back to home but my parents had already done my reservation. I thought to finish all my back load in this vacation and enter in the top 500 after this. But I got carried away at home. My parents were also reluctant for my study plan. They advised me to take complete mental rest and I also didn't disobeyed them. I wasted those 5 golden days which could bring me back to a very strong position.
When the classes resumed our maths teacher asked how many of the students studied for more than 4 hours daily and only 3 students raised their hands out of 175. This was the story. Meanwhile swine flu had arrived in kota. Its quite funny when it had not reached here all the students were wearing mask and using handkerchief to cover their nose. Even I tried it for 2 days but soon left this practice as I was looking awkward and different. But when it arrived none of us even bother to use a handkerchief.
The shuffling happened and I was sent to x10 batch again. I was happy at least I managed to get a x tag but x11 was like heaven that time. It had all the good faculties and the previous students of x11 were all hiked. But x10 also had good faculty. Our maths teachers was a gem. Although I had studied with him before but I didn't have a good image of him that time. He was rude and didn't miss any chance to disrespect student. Some time he went very vehement and used slang and many other bad words. He could quit the class anytime without the fear of anyone . I used to call him psycho. But his teaching abilities were exceptional. He brought the fear of doing homework again in me and I started learning maths again. I was able to understand each and every point in his flowing lecture. He also created very funny situations and jokes. We laughed a lot in his class. IF he was in good mood his lectures were like a 1 and half hour comedy film with lots of learning.
But I lost my organic teacher because of whom my ranked was hiked. Our new organic teacher was a dumb person. He didn't know how to teach. His lectures were very dull and all the students used to yawn only. We complaint a lot for his removal. Meanwhile bansal sir launched the martial law. No student was allowed to attend class in some other batches. It screwed all of us. As we were now bound to take class of that organic teacher. Soon I lost my command on organic. I wasn't able to understand a single point on his notes. When the other student had accepted their defeat I once again initiated for a riot and this time we got succeed. The teacher had changed but we had lost a major portion.
Our physics teacher had also changed and now we were supplied with the HOD of physics. I was happy that now I'll study from a quality teacher. But his teaching standard was well above my level. I was able to understand the core of the lectures of past teacher but this time I was even struggling in the basics. The syllabus completion process had picked a tremendous pace and i was getting behind each day. If I studied maths then chem and phy were left out and vice versa. The good thing was that I was finishing my complete maths homework. In the next review test my rank came down to 1469.I was very tired and frustrated because of this life.
No pace at all. Just perpetual monotonous acts again and again. I felt like trapped in a cage for thousand years. Study was so boring and annoying. Knowledge gain was replaced with the ability to solve few questions in lesser time. We all were mugging but not learning. Concepts were replaced by formula. And the mess food really made me to vomit daily. Only radio was giving me some sort of peace. I was not a music fan till but had become now. I used to hear it even in the toilet or while bathing. The programs like " my fm ri sholey ( a rajasthani sequel of sholey) and " shayar jasbati" on 94.3 my fm were very enjoyable. At night other people enjoyed a program " naughty rateein" with meenakshi I didn't like this program too much but occasionally I did hear it for a change.
We used to waste lots of time in gossiping about past. It mainly revolved around girls or fights. We all were sharing our common pain. At night we used to play UNO which always ended at 2 or 3 am. I was taking a sleep of 2 or 3 hours only at night. But it got balanced as after returning I used to bethat much tired that I slept just after falling on bed. As no one was there to woke me I always ended with a nap of 4 to 5 hours screwing all of my daily planned schedule. Sometimes I used crazy tricks like switching off my lights to reflect that I'm sleeping meanwhile I was studying.My room was better in terms that it had various sources of light. My bathroom window open in a forest with lots of peacock.
Soon the 6th review test arrived. I was only prepared in maths. At each test I always used to think that I'll thrown away in the range of 4k but some how managed to remain above 2000. At this test also with very less preparation and almost no revision I managed to get 1751 rank.My average time of study was less than a hour in a day while other student used to study for more than 6 hours. I didn't know either they just acted or they really did but their most of the homework was complete while mine was not. So I became very overconfident that with this much less study and less preparation I'm able to score good marks including a lots of silly mistakes. If I omit the silly mistake my rank hiked around 500.
I hyped my coincidental success a lot and became very overconfident. I always used to think if one day I'll manage to study for 6 hours daily consistently and complete most of the syllabus then I'll definitely clear JEE with flying colors. I was just thinking doing nothing concrete or if I was doing circumstances were not with me. Occasionally those migraine attacks or rib pain hindered my preparation and screwed up the whole schedule. I was still living in dream to get a top 1000 rank but was doing nothing for it.
Each day I slept with a vow of studying more than 10 hours but never managed to do it. If I went out of my room I returned after 4 hours with a very heavy mind that I wasted time. But I couldn't resist from being the part of a lengthy gossip or playing UNO or some other self created game. Even the telephonic conversations with friends or family members extended for hours. Time was sleeping from my hands and I was unable to hold it. I was in a loon like stage. My mind was out of my wits and things were just randomly and automatically happening.
I was frustrated and want to escape from this hell but was restricted. Nothing seemed to be of any joy and hope. Some topics I had done more than 10 times and some other not even touched. Some questions I had solved many a times and some formula I hadn't given a single glance. All the other students were also in the same stage except MOTRAM. I was finding hard to live in that tiny room with only books around me. I was lost in my own dreams. Life was bleak and hopeless as at that time I had realized that if I continued with the same routine I'll not have any chance to stand for JEE.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Living in hostel is much more then washing your underwear yourself.....
Back to the good days before I had arrived kota I was googling some blogs and went through a statement that " keep 6 pairs of underwear with you as you have to wash them yourself in the hostel". But after having 8 months of my amazing stay in hostel I can say hostel life is much more exciting and interesting. I was never a very social fellow. I used to play prank and annoy people with my jokes and pulling leg habit. So I never had a very good social image and I was knowing I'll gonna face some severe problem due to this.
The first few days went pretty good in the hostel. I was already honored with the name "kamina" before the release of this film I don't know why. Soon the hostel fellow gave me my another name " chanakaya" and "no. 27"( don't ask why). I don't know how but I was reflecting a very political and cunning image. After coming from our coaching all of we had a emergency discussion on the complete happenings of the day. Every time at the hostel some one can be seen gossiping while others were celebrating that " I'm studying and they are not". At night if some one came to have some water from purifier, any other one tired of studies definitely came out for a 5 min chat which always extended for more than 4 hours and involving most of the fellows of top floor. Occasional ground floor students also joined us.
After getting familiar I didn't miss any chance of pulling legs of other. Unintentionally I was forming a negative image, of which I was not aware. Amar was getting frustrated by my such acts and he started disliking me. One night we had a vehement discussion on " India and America". He used to have some biased thinking that US is much greater than India and India is a spoiled rotten country on which I never consented. I always advocated in favour of India, demanding that we the youth must come forward for the building of this country. If we can't dare to clean the mud then we have no right to spit on it.As per him the government should come forward to help people but I had very different perception that only if one have the will then only he can succeed. Most of the people lack a will to accelerate their living standard and hence they still lives a degraded life.
He used to have thinking like if we had to start a work, then it can be initiated and propagate much easily in US than India and I always gave counter view that US had already lots of settled business so you can't grow well there but in India there is far less competition than US and we can develop very well. I always advocated a success with out any difficulty is of no worth. Greater the troubles you have in your journey more you become strong and mature but he had a complete different and peculiar perception. He awarded me with the title " hypothetical speaker " as I used to give examples like the poor boy which used to reside in slum in front of our hostel may become a rich person if he opened a mess and delivered very quality food.
Soon Amar started hating me a lot and started back biting. One day He was telling others in his peculiar started that a time machine had being made and it'll start working soon to which I couldn't stop giggling which made him very annoyed. Frustrated of all this awkward stuff I stopped talking with him and started staying most of the time in my room. When the Music boy was thrown out a new boy from UP came in his room which we referred as 'MOTRAM'. He told his EML rank to me 1500 and I doubted it very much due to his physic and body language. He first told that he is the district topper in high school. I thought " ok koi to hoga shayad ye hi ho". Then he said he got 98 percent in PCM in senior secondary. Now I started doubting that such a smart student can't join CP( career point) leaving bansal, he is telling a lie for sure.Then he told us that he was the national boxing champion. He said there was a severe accident of him before the AIEEE exam but some how he survived. As per him his dad was a supreme court lawyer, a business tycoon in USA running 7 star restaurants and casinos in NY and Las Vegas , mayor of mathura and his grand father a MP. Lots of filmy drama started since his arrival. He told us that how many girls are having crush on him. He used to hate his neighbor and most of the time they were throwing mud on each other.
He used to tell about his girl friend and about his psychic abilities. Some of his funny stories were " one of his friend who was dead came to his home to return a book which he had taken from him " , " a man married a women and they had a baby. one day when the light was not there he called his wife to light the candle suddenly the light comes and he saw that his wife while sitting on the bed extended her hand to miters to light the candle , he ran away with his child which suddenly disappeared" , " one of his relative which went to bengal was trapped by a widow witch and turned into a goat , she converted him back to normal at night to have sex with him hahaha" and many other weird stories.
His true face came only when I revived my contacts with Amar. That day I realized that one can make a lot of benefit by communication gap. He declared my sudden success in a test as my politics of making others fight and to study myself lolz. And all other fools were also in his trap. Behind the curtain I was the biggest villain, playing politics for my success and others downfall. At the end I rectified all the things. There were many other bizarre incidents and political traps which at present I can't reveal. I still have fear of him and his political power :).He called me few days back and told that he didn't get selected even after getting 292 marks in JEE. How unfortunate for you I replied. I told him to use his political powers to enter into IITs
That fellow was my biggest achievement during the gap year. I realized that you can't trust a person. I became very ruthless and doubting type after this. I removed friendship and some other words from my dictionary. May be I need some good and kind soul to heal my wounds. I was proved to be an exception in terms of relationship in both virtual and real world as in both the case I was deceived. But last days of hostel went really went. I apologized all the other fellow of any of my misbehavior. Infact the reveal of that rascal proved to be a turning point to join all of us again and act like a single team. Lots more memory to cherish about my hostel life. How we played cricket, football, volleyball with gloves, monkey caps or bottles. The UNO playing in the night and cheating in it. Eating from each other lunch box, going for party, watching 3 idiots with friends, motivating others for success, healing others relationship. I wish to be back in those days and say loudly " chalo uncle ki deewar gandi karte hai "
The first few days went pretty good in the hostel. I was already honored with the name "kamina" before the release of this film I don't know why. Soon the hostel fellow gave me my another name " chanakaya" and "no. 27"( don't ask why). I don't know how but I was reflecting a very political and cunning image. After coming from our coaching all of we had a emergency discussion on the complete happenings of the day. Every time at the hostel some one can be seen gossiping while others were celebrating that " I'm studying and they are not". At night if some one came to have some water from purifier, any other one tired of studies definitely came out for a 5 min chat which always extended for more than 4 hours and involving most of the fellows of top floor. Occasional ground floor students also joined us.
After getting familiar I didn't miss any chance of pulling legs of other. Unintentionally I was forming a negative image, of which I was not aware. Amar was getting frustrated by my such acts and he started disliking me. One night we had a vehement discussion on " India and America". He used to have some biased thinking that US is much greater than India and India is a spoiled rotten country on which I never consented. I always advocated in favour of India, demanding that we the youth must come forward for the building of this country. If we can't dare to clean the mud then we have no right to spit on it.As per him the government should come forward to help people but I had very different perception that only if one have the will then only he can succeed. Most of the people lack a will to accelerate their living standard and hence they still lives a degraded life.
He used to have thinking like if we had to start a work, then it can be initiated and propagate much easily in US than India and I always gave counter view that US had already lots of settled business so you can't grow well there but in India there is far less competition than US and we can develop very well. I always advocated a success with out any difficulty is of no worth. Greater the troubles you have in your journey more you become strong and mature but he had a complete different and peculiar perception. He awarded me with the title " hypothetical speaker " as I used to give examples like the poor boy which used to reside in slum in front of our hostel may become a rich person if he opened a mess and delivered very quality food.
Soon Amar started hating me a lot and started back biting. One day He was telling others in his peculiar started that a time machine had being made and it'll start working soon to which I couldn't stop giggling which made him very annoyed. Frustrated of all this awkward stuff I stopped talking with him and started staying most of the time in my room. When the Music boy was thrown out a new boy from UP came in his room which we referred as 'MOTRAM'. He told his EML rank to me 1500 and I doubted it very much due to his physic and body language. He first told that he is the district topper in high school. I thought " ok koi to hoga shayad ye hi ho". Then he said he got 98 percent in PCM in senior secondary. Now I started doubting that such a smart student can't join CP( career point) leaving bansal, he is telling a lie for sure.Then he told us that he was the national boxing champion. He said there was a severe accident of him before the AIEEE exam but some how he survived. As per him his dad was a supreme court lawyer, a business tycoon in USA running 7 star restaurants and casinos in NY and Las Vegas , mayor of mathura and his grand father a MP. Lots of filmy drama started since his arrival. He told us that how many girls are having crush on him. He used to hate his neighbor and most of the time they were throwing mud on each other.
He used to tell about his girl friend and about his psychic abilities. Some of his funny stories were " one of his friend who was dead came to his home to return a book which he had taken from him " , " a man married a women and they had a baby. one day when the light was not there he called his wife to light the candle suddenly the light comes and he saw that his wife while sitting on the bed extended her hand to miters to light the candle , he ran away with his child which suddenly disappeared" , " one of his relative which went to bengal was trapped by a widow witch and turned into a goat , she converted him back to normal at night to have sex with him hahaha" and many other weird stories.
His true face came only when I revived my contacts with Amar. That day I realized that one can make a lot of benefit by communication gap. He declared my sudden success in a test as my politics of making others fight and to study myself lolz. And all other fools were also in his trap. Behind the curtain I was the biggest villain, playing politics for my success and others downfall. At the end I rectified all the things. There were many other bizarre incidents and political traps which at present I can't reveal. I still have fear of him and his political power :).He called me few days back and told that he didn't get selected even after getting 292 marks in JEE. How unfortunate for you I replied. I told him to use his political powers to enter into IITs
That fellow was my biggest achievement during the gap year. I realized that you can't trust a person. I became very ruthless and doubting type after this. I removed friendship and some other words from my dictionary. May be I need some good and kind soul to heal my wounds. I was proved to be an exception in terms of relationship in both virtual and real world as in both the case I was deceived. But last days of hostel went really went. I apologized all the other fellow of any of my misbehavior. Infact the reveal of that rascal proved to be a turning point to join all of us again and act like a single team. Lots more memory to cherish about my hostel life. How we played cricket, football, volleyball with gloves, monkey caps or bottles. The UNO playing in the night and cheating in it. Eating from each other lunch box, going for party, watching 3 idiots with friends, motivating others for success, healing others relationship. I wish to be back in those days and say loudly " chalo uncle ki deewar gandi karte hai "
Monday, July 26, 2010
Some early shocks.....
The basic portion continued very well and I was able to tune up with them but soon the problem started when the teachers started the higher level. As I was not coached properly and all the other students sitting there were those unlucky fellows which had completed and revised their syllabus very well last year and were there due to their bad luck. I had to look in more than 3 books to understand a single lecture.Even I was finding tough to directly solve the questions of maths and had to do some home work from some standard books to compete with others.
This was one of my first mistake in bansal. As what you are expect to do at bansal is to hear the lecture with concentration and then solve their homework. But I used to stick with lots of books to first read theory and then solve the questions in the book and then go to bansal homework. Soon the bansal's top pace left me behind and I was struggling to even understand the lectures. Meanwhile the bihari fellow in front of my room was creating problem for all of us. He played loud music with his Chinese mobile always and We were disturbing a lot. Now daily frequent collisions of our land lord and those Delhi boys and music boy was common. One day uncle thrown their luggage out of his house, the first stark terror in our face had come. This was the real face of Uncle and he had given us a clear massage to follow his rules else we'll be also thrown out.
Meanwhile We used to have lots of bizarre discussion on many futile topics. We hadn't wasted any time of wasting our time. The most common topics were criticizing bansal, our mess , planning how to spoil the house when we'll depart. The first test was announced on 11th July and I was struggling for a good revision. I had completed maths syllabus but not even half of physics and chemistry. The test was very easy and I was thinking I had done well. Initially my marks calculated were 110 which were tOo cOol but later when I checked it myself they were only 60. The rank was around 1900 and I was not a very happy man. I was burning in introspection and resolution. Not only my preparation was not well but I had done 40 marks silly mistake. I didn't watched a 2 and forgot to cancel 10 with it, such type of silly mistake made me lost my mental stability. The second test on the basis of which we were going to be shuffled was on 26th July. I had done much better in it and got 134 marks but so did the others and my rank slipped to 1529. The legacy of incomplete course and silly mistake continued in this also. To much of my astonishment I was promoted to X8 two batch above my present batch.
I was very happy as 2 years back X8 batch was a guarantee of success in IIT and AIEEE. But I forgot the fact that 2 years back Bansal used to admit only 6k students with around 75 students in a single batch and this year it had admitted more than 25k with around 140 students in each batch. Meanwhile lots of good faculties were leaving in the running session and they were not recruiting good standardize faculty. So we were suffering from severe faculty problem. X8 batch had OK OK teacher. They got the talent of making lecture interesting by jokes and other interesting facts that they used to tell us.Some good faculties lectures were flooded and we have to sat with 4 people on a bench of 3. I worked hard on maths during the 3rd test and completed some of the remaining chemistry portion. But physics the subject in which I had secured almost double marks in previous test became a head ache for me. I was struggling to solve a single question and the teacher there was delivering the lecture very fast.
I always used to suffer from a strange shyness while sitting in class room. It always restricts me for asking question. Wherever I had studied till now I always got this peculiar feeling that I didn't deserve to be here and I had much less potential than the fellow students. I had decided to overcome this introvert nature in bansal but the teachers here had already crushed my new born confidence by making bully of all the students that asked silly questions. I was going to ask for hybridization to a teacher and just before he quoted " you people are knowing hybridization na ... back in Y4 some students were not knowing it .. think how will they manage to study for JEE... you are the students of X10 and you must be knowing all the basic stuff beforehand. Same thing was in X8 our physics teacher also hyped us a lot " x8 ke student hokar aisa question puchte ho . last year ka x8 kitna phodu tha pata hai ".
I completed my whole maths homework before the third test but was knowing beforehand that I'll screw the physics portion. The paper was very lengthy and I made a sprawling silly mistakes of 60 marked ended with 2351 rank and in a very depressing stage. I was not prepared for all this. I hadn't imagined myself below a rank of 500 before and now I was down to 2300. I lost my hope and confidence and remained in a stark depression for a week. But some how I stood again and started from the basics to give it another try.
This was one of my first mistake in bansal. As what you are expect to do at bansal is to hear the lecture with concentration and then solve their homework. But I used to stick with lots of books to first read theory and then solve the questions in the book and then go to bansal homework. Soon the bansal's top pace left me behind and I was struggling to even understand the lectures. Meanwhile the bihari fellow in front of my room was creating problem for all of us. He played loud music with his Chinese mobile always and We were disturbing a lot. Now daily frequent collisions of our land lord and those Delhi boys and music boy was common. One day uncle thrown their luggage out of his house, the first stark terror in our face had come. This was the real face of Uncle and he had given us a clear massage to follow his rules else we'll be also thrown out.
Meanwhile We used to have lots of bizarre discussion on many futile topics. We hadn't wasted any time of wasting our time. The most common topics were criticizing bansal, our mess , planning how to spoil the house when we'll depart. The first test was announced on 11th July and I was struggling for a good revision. I had completed maths syllabus but not even half of physics and chemistry. The test was very easy and I was thinking I had done well. Initially my marks calculated were 110 which were tOo cOol but later when I checked it myself they were only 60. The rank was around 1900 and I was not a very happy man. I was burning in introspection and resolution. Not only my preparation was not well but I had done 40 marks silly mistake. I didn't watched a 2 and forgot to cancel 10 with it, such type of silly mistake made me lost my mental stability. The second test on the basis of which we were going to be shuffled was on 26th July. I had done much better in it and got 134 marks but so did the others and my rank slipped to 1529. The legacy of incomplete course and silly mistake continued in this also. To much of my astonishment I was promoted to X8 two batch above my present batch.
I was very happy as 2 years back X8 batch was a guarantee of success in IIT and AIEEE. But I forgot the fact that 2 years back Bansal used to admit only 6k students with around 75 students in a single batch and this year it had admitted more than 25k with around 140 students in each batch. Meanwhile lots of good faculties were leaving in the running session and they were not recruiting good standardize faculty. So we were suffering from severe faculty problem. X8 batch had OK OK teacher. They got the talent of making lecture interesting by jokes and other interesting facts that they used to tell us.Some good faculties lectures were flooded and we have to sat with 4 people on a bench of 3. I worked hard on maths during the 3rd test and completed some of the remaining chemistry portion. But physics the subject in which I had secured almost double marks in previous test became a head ache for me. I was struggling to solve a single question and the teacher there was delivering the lecture very fast.
I always used to suffer from a strange shyness while sitting in class room. It always restricts me for asking question. Wherever I had studied till now I always got this peculiar feeling that I didn't deserve to be here and I had much less potential than the fellow students. I had decided to overcome this introvert nature in bansal but the teachers here had already crushed my new born confidence by making bully of all the students that asked silly questions. I was going to ask for hybridization to a teacher and just before he quoted " you people are knowing hybridization na ... back in Y4 some students were not knowing it .. think how will they manage to study for JEE... you are the students of X10 and you must be knowing all the basic stuff beforehand. Same thing was in X8 our physics teacher also hyped us a lot " x8 ke student hokar aisa question puchte ho . last year ka x8 kitna phodu tha pata hai ".
I completed my whole maths homework before the third test but was knowing beforehand that I'll screw the physics portion. The paper was very lengthy and I made a sprawling silly mistakes of 60 marked ended with 2351 rank and in a very depressing stage. I was not prepared for all this. I hadn't imagined myself below a rank of 500 before and now I was down to 2300. I lost my hope and confidence and remained in a stark depression for a week. But some how I stood again and started from the basics to give it another try.
Getting Started.....
So I had reached the city of muggers in a house which I was discontented to live in. Some construction work was going in the ground floor when I came to know that till last year the land lord used to live here but now he had migrated to a new place. Most of the rooms till then were not filled and only 4 peoples were living at the top floor and 1 bihari boy with his mother which were relatives of our land lord at the ground floor. I had just a few glances to them as all the strangers have at their first encounter but I was knowing soon I'll gonna enjoy my 9 months with there peoples.
When my dad left, the boys there called me for playing football with them. I was happy that they initiated. Then we played chase and ironically in the morning we were not knowing even each others name and in the evening we were discussing personal issues. I had reached 12 days before the commencement of class to get adjusted in the strange environment.Soon the rooms started filling. First a boy from bareli come then 3 from bihar , 2 cousins shifted in ground flour and 1 bihari in a room just in front of my window. Then a boy from Allahabad with his mother.2 aggressive boys from Delhi arrived and finally at last a boy from Indore. With some initial weird look on each other we all on the first floor had started chatting and became very good friends.
We used to wet each other or had some vehement bloody street fights, injuring each other. In the late nights we used to play chess. One match in which a bet of SAMOSA was there continued till 4 am and eventually the best one i.e me won. Soon we started playing prank all around and annoying each other. My initial time table went good as I managed to woke up at 4 am during the first week but then it scattered. Till the parents were coming the mess food was coming OK OK but when all the parents had left they started sending us TRASH daily. Rotten food, it had no taste it was just utter waste. We started relying on the things which our parents had sent .. cookies, grams , biscuits , laddu and other things.
A military boy joined the last room and left soon but in 2 days we traveled a lot with him , me and amar the bareli boy. I was having a good friendship with amar as he had also came very early and we discussed a lot of things and were having some common interest. The first day we were going to bansal amar said " bansalite to ban gaye ab dekhte hai IITian ban pate hai ki nahi". We entered the tOo cOol 8 floored fully ac huge building. I sat on my bench which was declaring a quote written by some one frustrated " bansalite today naxalite tomorrow " mimicking " bansalite today IItian tomorrow".
Soon the room started flooding with students from all around. From the fairest range to the darkest range , from the tallest to the shortest , from the skinny ones to the most obese . Students of all variety from all part of India started sitting on bench with unfamiliar stranger and there was a pin drop silence in the room. Soon our maths teacher manoj bindal arrived and gave a predictable inspirational speech. The only thing I liked is that " you must make friends higher the level of you so that you can rise your level, don't do friendship with people of lower caliber as you have to adjust your level and came down". He said this in perspective of bansal test's rank. Then the physics teacher Rohit Deewan. I enjoyed the first day and due to my newly inculcated zest done all the homework and study work just after returning.
At the second day when I was playing mobile game from long my old eye problem returned. I was horrified again but expecting its disappearance as last time. I didn't panic that much. I started sitting on the third bench for a good vision as first 2 benches were reserved for girls. And due to some misunderstanding I had to sat on last bench on my 2nd day and I was not able to see even a single letter from there. Our first extra class started just 3 days after coaching and we all were not that much happy. But at that time the coaching time was very well 9:30 to 12:45 but after 1st week one parallel class was introduced which hiked the time from 7:45 to 12:45 but it was just official teacher used to live us at 1 or 1:30 and I struggled a lot to walk by foot in that 48 c temperature. Soon I bought a cycle.
The greatest pain in bansal was if you forgot the position of your cycle in the parking. There used to be at least 7500 cycles and the fellow who lost it found very hard to search it. I had seen some students searching their cycle for more then 2 hours checking each and every row. We can misjudge due to lots of same types of cycles there. Meanwhile all of the students of hostel had enjoying abusing the land lord mess owner and bansal. Due to our familiar mental condition we all had came very close to each other and started wasting lots of time in daily gossiping. This is the prime drawback of living in hostel. If some people are gossiping either they disturb you lot by their noises or you also can't resist to join them. Daily wastage of 3 to 4 hours was normal which may rise in some interesting gossips.
When my dad left, the boys there called me for playing football with them. I was happy that they initiated. Then we played chase and ironically in the morning we were not knowing even each others name and in the evening we were discussing personal issues. I had reached 12 days before the commencement of class to get adjusted in the strange environment.Soon the rooms started filling. First a boy from bareli come then 3 from bihar , 2 cousins shifted in ground flour and 1 bihari in a room just in front of my window. Then a boy from Allahabad with his mother.2 aggressive boys from Delhi arrived and finally at last a boy from Indore. With some initial weird look on each other we all on the first floor had started chatting and became very good friends.
We used to wet each other or had some vehement bloody street fights, injuring each other. In the late nights we used to play chess. One match in which a bet of SAMOSA was there continued till 4 am and eventually the best one i.e me won. Soon we started playing prank all around and annoying each other. My initial time table went good as I managed to woke up at 4 am during the first week but then it scattered. Till the parents were coming the mess food was coming OK OK but when all the parents had left they started sending us TRASH daily. Rotten food, it had no taste it was just utter waste. We started relying on the things which our parents had sent .. cookies, grams , biscuits , laddu and other things.
A military boy joined the last room and left soon but in 2 days we traveled a lot with him , me and amar the bareli boy. I was having a good friendship with amar as he had also came very early and we discussed a lot of things and were having some common interest. The first day we were going to bansal amar said " bansalite to ban gaye ab dekhte hai IITian ban pate hai ki nahi". We entered the tOo cOol 8 floored fully ac huge building. I sat on my bench which was declaring a quote written by some one frustrated " bansalite today naxalite tomorrow " mimicking " bansalite today IItian tomorrow".
Soon the room started flooding with students from all around. From the fairest range to the darkest range , from the tallest to the shortest , from the skinny ones to the most obese . Students of all variety from all part of India started sitting on bench with unfamiliar stranger and there was a pin drop silence in the room. Soon our maths teacher manoj bindal arrived and gave a predictable inspirational speech. The only thing I liked is that " you must make friends higher the level of you so that you can rise your level, don't do friendship with people of lower caliber as you have to adjust your level and came down". He said this in perspective of bansal test's rank. Then the physics teacher Rohit Deewan. I enjoyed the first day and due to my newly inculcated zest done all the homework and study work just after returning.
At the second day when I was playing mobile game from long my old eye problem returned. I was horrified again but expecting its disappearance as last time. I didn't panic that much. I started sitting on the third bench for a good vision as first 2 benches were reserved for girls. And due to some misunderstanding I had to sat on last bench on my 2nd day and I was not able to see even a single letter from there. Our first extra class started just 3 days after coaching and we all were not that much happy. But at that time the coaching time was very well 9:30 to 12:45 but after 1st week one parallel class was introduced which hiked the time from 7:45 to 12:45 but it was just official teacher used to live us at 1 or 1:30 and I struggled a lot to walk by foot in that 48 c temperature. Soon I bought a cycle.
The greatest pain in bansal was if you forgot the position of your cycle in the parking. There used to be at least 7500 cycles and the fellow who lost it found very hard to search it. I had seen some students searching their cycle for more then 2 hours checking each and every row. We can misjudge due to lots of same types of cycles there. Meanwhile all of the students of hostel had enjoying abusing the land lord mess owner and bansal. Due to our familiar mental condition we all had came very close to each other and started wasting lots of time in daily gossiping. This is the prime drawback of living in hostel. If some people are gossiping either they disturb you lot by their noises or you also can't resist to join them. Daily wastage of 3 to 4 hours was normal which may rise in some interesting gossips.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
First step in the hell.....
In our physics HOD's words " you are living in a hell , firstly how early you try to wake still your timetable gets screwed in the beginning of the morning and you wake up very late, you are supplied with a non sense and trash breakfast which hardly you can eat even half. Then you come at the corridor where that frustrated and very sad person keep on shouting " sirf ek hi lena " or " koi bhi do nahi lega " and you are mumbling " sala ek bhi kis se hota hai jo 2 le " then you some how make place at a desk of 3 on which 4 are already seating . Whole the lecture goes above your head but still show how you face it daily then return for the trash food which puzzle you to find what are you eating. You are tired and wants to sleep but you have lots of homework and above all your landlord will always be shouting " shut the cooler , shut the fan , don't open the fridge , don't open my water purifier". So make full use of this hell.
Kota always fascinated me from childhood. Only the genius of the students go there for competitive preparation and emerge out as victors. After each exams results the news papers are flooded with the achievements of kota's cram schools and the quantity is more than enough to impress you. I also had plans of migrating to kota after 10th class but mom's emotional atyachaar ceased my idea. Meanwhile I was enjoying the stories of some fellows which went there and lost their track, started drinking and drugs and selling their bicycles for money. But when I had to take a drop I decided to migrate there for getting an upper hand on others.Although my soul keep on telling me that I must stay here and prepare on my own because I was not able to cope with any of coaching pressure till now. But still I got carried away and left my conscience behind and followed what the mob was doing.
I got a direct entry into bansal with a scholarship of 16k rs and was picked up for X series batch which were supplied with the best faculty. Before going there I had listened a lot about how most of the good faculties of bansal had left the institution and now nothing is left there. Then also only the name bansal was enough and I dropped the idea of joining the institution of those faculties which had left. But my confidence had loosened up when I came to know that bansal is really having some serious faculty problems as more than 25 of their best faculty had left the building.
I reached there at 9 June and was worried how will I search a good room but all of this become very easy as at each house there was a board of 'TO LET FOR STUDENTS'. We just have to inquired about it and this was one of the funniest and interesting experience of my life. We started from vigyan nagar the most popular area of kota. The first house we went was of a retired principle. She was well experienced in " murge phasana ". She was telling that she had also lived in ujjain once a time. The rooms were very tiny and there condition was also pathetic. She was bragging that a son of some collector of bihar is also living here. I heard this statement from many other peoples also I don't know how many collectors are in bihar and why all of their's sons are studying for IIT at kota at the same time. The room rent was 3500 with extra electricity charges. I was shocked hearing such a huge prices because at ujjain we can get almost double the size of the offered room in around 1000rs.
Anyways She was forcing us to register but I whispered in dad's ear " lets go and check some others we can't take the first one offered". Then we saw many other pathetic rooms with huge price. One funny room of almost 5 by 5 was having an AC and fridge also in it. Dad had set three condition for my room . No hostel , at most 3 students , no bihari must be there. It is well known about bihari student that despite they are very intelligent, their mind is very unstable and they play prank all over to annoy and disturb other. We finally selected a single room. It had sufficient space and no one was there to disturb me.
We decided to shift there on next morning but my sister said we should inquire for more rooms for enjoyment. We started searching in the area most near to bansal. Indravihar, I haven't seen such affluent colony in my life. The houses here were very beautiful and looking very expensive. So was the room rent. The rent starts from 5500rs and we had seen some pathetic tiny rooms for 10k also. The hostels were having there price around 6500 to 8500 but they were giving lots of other facilities like they have mess, laundry, television and many other stuff. People were well equipped with emotional arrows like " hum aapke bete ko apna beta samajh kar rakhenge" , " hum iska bahut khyal rakhenge jara si bhi taklif nahi aane denge". We moved to new rajiv gandhi nagar which was a developing colony. Same story was here.
I watched all the rooms except a house which I neglected at the first site. It was not plastered and colored and was looking very 'manhoos' in the first glance. The room next to it was of a school teacher. All the people here used to be middle class people which had bought the plots here and made expensive rooms on home loans. But this is the most smart investment as their loan is paid off in 4/5 years and then they start earning lakhs in a month. The couple looked decent and they were throwing senti arrows on dad. I don't know what the bad luck was but dad got carried away in their talks. I was very much reluctant to join this UP peoples as I was having intuition of their bad spirit. I rebelled that I would not live in this room. First it was expensive 7k per month, second I had to share this room with some one else and I can't tolerate any ones interference in my privacy. But dad some how persuaded me.
We had our lunch there and the food was delicious. I thought it must be a trap. The quality was very nice and even the menu. The landlord was saying this is our normal menu. Dad paid the initial amount and I was not happy because of this. At the very next day we came to that house with all my luggage but the pathetic selfish moron told us that we had to move as he had allotted the room to one of his relative. This was the first disclose of true face of kota to me. Dad became very worried as our luggage was with us and we had no other place to move. Luckily or I must say unfortunately that rejected house had one room left and we moved to there. The room was fine but the house and rent was not. 4500rs seemed huge to me but I consented due to dad's worries. I was reluctant to join those rascals mess but dad was not ready as He was completely trapped in their buttery talks. The mess price was 3000 and they said as we have done wrong with you we will offer you a discount of 500. I was baffled as all the other mess which I inquired were not more then 2000 then all I planned to wait.
The rascals showed there real colors in just third day. For the first two days the food was very delicious and nutritional. It was having lots of green salads and other items were also cooked very well but at the third day we had overcooked chapatis and the rise were uncooked. But till my dad's stay there both the messowner and my landlord were behaving very nice. I was mentally preparing myself for the future tortures that I will be going to suffer from.
Kota always fascinated me from childhood. Only the genius of the students go there for competitive preparation and emerge out as victors. After each exams results the news papers are flooded with the achievements of kota's cram schools and the quantity is more than enough to impress you. I also had plans of migrating to kota after 10th class but mom's emotional atyachaar ceased my idea. Meanwhile I was enjoying the stories of some fellows which went there and lost their track, started drinking and drugs and selling their bicycles for money. But when I had to take a drop I decided to migrate there for getting an upper hand on others.Although my soul keep on telling me that I must stay here and prepare on my own because I was not able to cope with any of coaching pressure till now. But still I got carried away and left my conscience behind and followed what the mob was doing.
I got a direct entry into bansal with a scholarship of 16k rs and was picked up for X series batch which were supplied with the best faculty. Before going there I had listened a lot about how most of the good faculties of bansal had left the institution and now nothing is left there. Then also only the name bansal was enough and I dropped the idea of joining the institution of those faculties which had left. But my confidence had loosened up when I came to know that bansal is really having some serious faculty problems as more than 25 of their best faculty had left the building.
I reached there at 9 June and was worried how will I search a good room but all of this become very easy as at each house there was a board of 'TO LET FOR STUDENTS'. We just have to inquired about it and this was one of the funniest and interesting experience of my life. We started from vigyan nagar the most popular area of kota. The first house we went was of a retired principle. She was well experienced in " murge phasana ". She was telling that she had also lived in ujjain once a time. The rooms were very tiny and there condition was also pathetic. She was bragging that a son of some collector of bihar is also living here. I heard this statement from many other peoples also I don't know how many collectors are in bihar and why all of their's sons are studying for IIT at kota at the same time. The room rent was 3500 with extra electricity charges. I was shocked hearing such a huge prices because at ujjain we can get almost double the size of the offered room in around 1000rs.
Anyways She was forcing us to register but I whispered in dad's ear " lets go and check some others we can't take the first one offered". Then we saw many other pathetic rooms with huge price. One funny room of almost 5 by 5 was having an AC and fridge also in it. Dad had set three condition for my room . No hostel , at most 3 students , no bihari must be there. It is well known about bihari student that despite they are very intelligent, their mind is very unstable and they play prank all over to annoy and disturb other. We finally selected a single room. It had sufficient space and no one was there to disturb me.
We decided to shift there on next morning but my sister said we should inquire for more rooms for enjoyment. We started searching in the area most near to bansal. Indravihar, I haven't seen such affluent colony in my life. The houses here were very beautiful and looking very expensive. So was the room rent. The rent starts from 5500rs and we had seen some pathetic tiny rooms for 10k also. The hostels were having there price around 6500 to 8500 but they were giving lots of other facilities like they have mess, laundry, television and many other stuff. People were well equipped with emotional arrows like " hum aapke bete ko apna beta samajh kar rakhenge" , " hum iska bahut khyal rakhenge jara si bhi taklif nahi aane denge". We moved to new rajiv gandhi nagar which was a developing colony. Same story was here.
I watched all the rooms except a house which I neglected at the first site. It was not plastered and colored and was looking very 'manhoos' in the first glance. The room next to it was of a school teacher. All the people here used to be middle class people which had bought the plots here and made expensive rooms on home loans. But this is the most smart investment as their loan is paid off in 4/5 years and then they start earning lakhs in a month. The couple looked decent and they were throwing senti arrows on dad. I don't know what the bad luck was but dad got carried away in their talks. I was very much reluctant to join this UP peoples as I was having intuition of their bad spirit. I rebelled that I would not live in this room. First it was expensive 7k per month, second I had to share this room with some one else and I can't tolerate any ones interference in my privacy. But dad some how persuaded me.
We had our lunch there and the food was delicious. I thought it must be a trap. The quality was very nice and even the menu. The landlord was saying this is our normal menu. Dad paid the initial amount and I was not happy because of this. At the very next day we came to that house with all my luggage but the pathetic selfish moron told us that we had to move as he had allotted the room to one of his relative. This was the first disclose of true face of kota to me. Dad became very worried as our luggage was with us and we had no other place to move. Luckily or I must say unfortunately that rejected house had one room left and we moved to there. The room was fine but the house and rent was not. 4500rs seemed huge to me but I consented due to dad's worries. I was reluctant to join those rascals mess but dad was not ready as He was completely trapped in their buttery talks. The mess price was 3000 and they said as we have done wrong with you we will offer you a discount of 500. I was baffled as all the other mess which I inquired were not more then 2000 then all I planned to wait.
The rascals showed there real colors in just third day. For the first two days the food was very delicious and nutritional. It was having lots of green salads and other items were also cooked very well but at the third day we had overcooked chapatis and the rise were uncooked. But till my dad's stay there both the messowner and my landlord were behaving very nice. I was mentally preparing myself for the future tortures that I will be going to suffer from.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Struggling to be positive
In those bleak days nothing seemed to be of any optimism. Each time when the thermometer exceeded 99 and I started trembling. Heavy doses of medicines, daily head aches and most of all loneliness. It was very frustrating to stay at a single room when you are ill. No one to share your feelings, no one with whom you can chat. Mom and dad always remained out of house due to their work and meanwhile my room seemed a jail to me in which I was trapped. No soothing breeze, no sound of birds , no more play. Some times I used to sit outside my home but I was very tired and can't manage to sit more than 5 minutes.
Meanwhile the exam stress was blowing my head from inside. In my loneliness, depressing thoughts were haunting me. Thoughts of a bleak future. A future in which I don't have any identity. Each one seemed to be overtaking me and I was helpless crying for help. It was like suddenly my legs were struck by polio while running very fast in a rat race. Even the dumbest student of our class were making fun of me that I got ill in such a crucial point of my life. I was burning in my own fury that these stupid fellows which use to rub their nose in front of me at one point are now making my fun. But this is human nature, when you need help from others most they always deny and bully you .
जो हाथ सफ़लता के दौर में मेरा कधा थपथपाते थे
बुरे दौर मे उनकी परछाई भी पीछे हट गयी
तब मै भीड़ मे अकेला था
आज वो भीड़ भी गुम हो गयी
Some how I was struggling. Even the doctor was baffled. He had tried both the dose of malaria and viral fever but no improvement. He said that even he was unable to understand why this fever is continuing .The typhoid report was also negative. I was just pleading for help from god but god had already decided to punish me. May be he had written this part of my destiny in a very bad mood. I started writing some encouraging poems to keep myself enthusiastic and positive.
मन में व्याप्त अंधेरा सघन
करता भ्रमित हो चला पथ दुर्गम
सुझती न राह कोई
राह लगे न कोई सुगम
आगे बढा जो होकर दिशाहीन
लगे मंजिल दूर, पथ हो चला कठिन
न पा रहा ढुंढ राह सही
चंद राहे लगे भूलभूलैया सी
पथ-भ्रमित राही करें पार डगर
रेगिस्थान में ढुंढे मानों आशा की बूंद
हर भ्रम में हो रहा विचारो का समर
लड़खड़ाया विवेक, थामे पग ली आँगे मूंद
पर छोड़े ना साहस का दामन
जो सींचे सुप्त उत्साह
खिले आशा के फ़ूल , उठा राही मगन
लहलहाया खुशियों का चमन , पुनर्जीवित करे चाह
चला फ़िर वह न थका न रुका
शरीर में हुआ मानों रक्त का नव सचार
उखाड़े कांटे सभी राह के, न अब वह झुका
उर्जित मन, करे हर भ्रम का संहार
बढ चला आगे राही मदहोश मदमस्त
न था अकेला अब साहस आशा हिम्मत विश्वास
सुस्जित सब से करता हर समस्या को पस्त
बढता चला फ़िर, करता मुश्किलो का परिहास
पाकर मंजिल, था न अब वो
जो था पहले, न बदला था कुछ अब
जो था पहले, बदला था बस वो
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
My fever was improving but some minute ribs pain was giving me problems from past few months. I was reluctant to go for a check up as a normal Indian but when I told this about doctor, in first check up nothing came out but when the problem still persisted we went for a x-ray. And the result was pleural effusion. I hadn't read this term before so I googled it on net and found something flabbergasting. The first cause was lung cancer. It was just like troubles from all around. I was transfixed but after this temporary shock I came back to my conscience soon and realized the problem can't be that much serious. I immediately consulted the doctor for the query and he told nothing serious but you have to take medicines for 6 to 8 months. Now that was a huge time and I was hardly disappointed because of this.
At that time only my bitsat paper and state PET test was left and I was nil prepared for this so I decided to take a drop and with out any further thought I applied for BANSAL institute an epitome of IIT JEE Preparation in kota city. Later this decision proved to me one of my biggest mistake but I was well assured that time to blast the JEE paper next year. My jee result was quite astonishing as I managed to get in the EML(extended merit list). Now this was very interesting incident of my life as till last year only 1500 ppls were in it and the expected marks for this was around 165+ and my calculated marks were around 50. So at first I thought either there is a mistake in result or their is mistake in checking and some how destiny has favored me to save a year of mine but soon the joy disappeared as I come to know that around 60k students were in EML.
Any ways it boosted my confidence as many of the students which were preparing hard from 2 years didn't even managed to get in EML and I was in it without any solid preparation. I suffered from severe loose motions for a week and failed to give my local PET and boarded for kota after 2 days with a revival of my hopes and dreams. I was back to a very over confident and procrastination state with just rough planning ,nothing concrete.
Meanwhile the exam stress was blowing my head from inside. In my loneliness, depressing thoughts were haunting me. Thoughts of a bleak future. A future in which I don't have any identity. Each one seemed to be overtaking me and I was helpless crying for help. It was like suddenly my legs were struck by polio while running very fast in a rat race. Even the dumbest student of our class were making fun of me that I got ill in such a crucial point of my life. I was burning in my own fury that these stupid fellows which use to rub their nose in front of me at one point are now making my fun. But this is human nature, when you need help from others most they always deny and bully you .
जो हाथ सफ़लता के दौर में मेरा कधा थपथपाते थे
बुरे दौर मे उनकी परछाई भी पीछे हट गयी
तब मै भीड़ मे अकेला था
आज वो भीड़ भी गुम हो गयी
Some how I was struggling. Even the doctor was baffled. He had tried both the dose of malaria and viral fever but no improvement. He said that even he was unable to understand why this fever is continuing .The typhoid report was also negative. I was just pleading for help from god but god had already decided to punish me. May be he had written this part of my destiny in a very bad mood. I started writing some encouraging poems to keep myself enthusiastic and positive.
मन में व्याप्त अंधेरा सघन
करता भ्रमित हो चला पथ दुर्गम
सुझती न राह कोई
राह लगे न कोई सुगम
आगे बढा जो होकर दिशाहीन
लगे मंजिल दूर, पथ हो चला कठिन
न पा रहा ढुंढ राह सही
चंद राहे लगे भूलभूलैया सी
पथ-भ्रमित राही करें पार डगर
रेगिस्थान में ढुंढे मानों आशा की बूंद
हर भ्रम में हो रहा विचारो का समर
लड़खड़ाया विवेक, थामे पग ली आँगे मूंद
पर छोड़े ना साहस का दामन
जो सींचे सुप्त उत्साह
खिले आशा के फ़ूल , उठा राही मगन
लहलहाया खुशियों का चमन , पुनर्जीवित करे चाह
चला फ़िर वह न थका न रुका
शरीर में हुआ मानों रक्त का नव सचार
उखाड़े कांटे सभी राह के, न अब वह झुका
उर्जित मन, करे हर भ्रम का संहार
बढ चला आगे राही मदहोश मदमस्त
न था अकेला अब साहस आशा हिम्मत विश्वास
सुस्जित सब से करता हर समस्या को पस्त
बढता चला फ़िर, करता मुश्किलो का परिहास
पाकर मंजिल, था न अब वो
जो था पहले, न बदला था कुछ अब
जो था पहले, बदला था बस वो
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
My fever was improving but some minute ribs pain was giving me problems from past few months. I was reluctant to go for a check up as a normal Indian but when I told this about doctor, in first check up nothing came out but when the problem still persisted we went for a x-ray. And the result was pleural effusion. I hadn't read this term before so I googled it on net and found something flabbergasting. The first cause was lung cancer. It was just like troubles from all around. I was transfixed but after this temporary shock I came back to my conscience soon and realized the problem can't be that much serious. I immediately consulted the doctor for the query and he told nothing serious but you have to take medicines for 6 to 8 months. Now that was a huge time and I was hardly disappointed because of this.
At that time only my bitsat paper and state PET test was left and I was nil prepared for this so I decided to take a drop and with out any further thought I applied for BANSAL institute an epitome of IIT JEE Preparation in kota city. Later this decision proved to me one of my biggest mistake but I was well assured that time to blast the JEE paper next year. My jee result was quite astonishing as I managed to get in the EML(extended merit list). Now this was very interesting incident of my life as till last year only 1500 ppls were in it and the expected marks for this was around 165+ and my calculated marks were around 50. So at first I thought either there is a mistake in result or their is mistake in checking and some how destiny has favored me to save a year of mine but soon the joy disappeared as I come to know that around 60k students were in EML.
Any ways it boosted my confidence as many of the students which were preparing hard from 2 years didn't even managed to get in EML and I was in it without any solid preparation. I suffered from severe loose motions for a week and failed to give my local PET and boarded for kota after 2 days with a revival of my hopes and dreams. I was back to a very over confident and procrastination state with just rough planning ,nothing concrete.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
the judgement day...
Finally the most awaited day of my life arrived. The IIT JEE paper, the day which was hovering my life from the past 2 years. It was here, and I hadn't studied anything from the past 14 days. No preparation at all. Almost 95% syllabus I hadn't any idea about it. I was very reluctant to give the paper as I was very weak that time and could hardly sit at a single place for 6 hours.
But dad encouraged me and I decided to give it a try. Early in the morning I had taken lots of tablets and energy supplement. When I reached there my prediction became right. Lots of nervous and anxious student roaming here and there. Their parents were looking more worried. All of my friends were there and we cherished some past thoughts that proved very helpful in that stage. I was panting and sweating a lot due to those high dose tablets. Finally I entered the room. Pin drop silence was there. All the students were gazing each other like we all were the innocents lambs and soon a butcher will gonna thrash us into pieces.
At 9am, I opened the worlds toughest question paper. But I was baffled when I see that all the question there looked quite familiar. What I had thought that I'll not be able to grasp even a single question and this paper looked of very average level. Lots of questions were based on NCERT level and I was able to attempt a few. Slowly my temperature was rising and I was getting weak. I was having some vision difficulties now and a strange darkness was surrounding me every second. For a change I decided to have a look at the surrounding. All the students there look very baffled and surprised. Some were gazing walls, while some other one were chewing their pencils. A few were trying their level best to understand the questions. Few were taking a light nap and some other were making sketches on bench.
I done more then expected in my first paper. As i had already mentally disqualified I had nothing to loose. After the first paper my temperature had increased to 104 and I was feeling very exhaust. I took the second dose of medicines but at the same time a severe attack of migraine hit me. My butt was paining a lot due to that old and damaged wooden desk. I was struggling a lot to have a mental patience. I was getting dizzy and having difficulty to breadth. I kept my head down and forgot about the paper. Finally the bell rang and we were free. All students were describing others about their experience and abusing the paper. Lots of slang and jokes all around. But I was sad. I had dreamed a lot about this day that how confident and happy I'll come out. I'll enjoy the life after this but now this remained a dream only.
My health continue to go down and just before the AIEEE paper 2 weeks after JEE paper it became the worst. Although I was out of tough from more then 1 month but still there was a faint chance of doing average in AIEEE paper and grab something to save a year. I decided to visit a barber's shop to have a hair cut and shave but when I was returning bleeding started from my nose. My dad was worried and he decided I should not give AIEEE exam as it was in other city and I was not in a state to travel. I never felt that much helplessness in my entire life. I was depressed and all the things seemed dark and bleak. No hope , no energy nothing. I waited for this time through out my life and now it was passing and I was not able to do anything . Neither can I prepare nor I can give the exam . The only thing I had to do was to keep patience and wait and I was doing that only.
But dad encouraged me and I decided to give it a try. Early in the morning I had taken lots of tablets and energy supplement. When I reached there my prediction became right. Lots of nervous and anxious student roaming here and there. Their parents were looking more worried. All of my friends were there and we cherished some past thoughts that proved very helpful in that stage. I was panting and sweating a lot due to those high dose tablets. Finally I entered the room. Pin drop silence was there. All the students were gazing each other like we all were the innocents lambs and soon a butcher will gonna thrash us into pieces.
At 9am, I opened the worlds toughest question paper. But I was baffled when I see that all the question there looked quite familiar. What I had thought that I'll not be able to grasp even a single question and this paper looked of very average level. Lots of questions were based on NCERT level and I was able to attempt a few. Slowly my temperature was rising and I was getting weak. I was having some vision difficulties now and a strange darkness was surrounding me every second. For a change I decided to have a look at the surrounding. All the students there look very baffled and surprised. Some were gazing walls, while some other one were chewing their pencils. A few were trying their level best to understand the questions. Few were taking a light nap and some other were making sketches on bench.
I done more then expected in my first paper. As i had already mentally disqualified I had nothing to loose. After the first paper my temperature had increased to 104 and I was feeling very exhaust. I took the second dose of medicines but at the same time a severe attack of migraine hit me. My butt was paining a lot due to that old and damaged wooden desk. I was struggling a lot to have a mental patience. I was getting dizzy and having difficulty to breadth. I kept my head down and forgot about the paper. Finally the bell rang and we were free. All students were describing others about their experience and abusing the paper. Lots of slang and jokes all around. But I was sad. I had dreamed a lot about this day that how confident and happy I'll come out. I'll enjoy the life after this but now this remained a dream only.
My health continue to go down and just before the AIEEE paper 2 weeks after JEE paper it became the worst. Although I was out of tough from more then 1 month but still there was a faint chance of doing average in AIEEE paper and grab something to save a year. I decided to visit a barber's shop to have a hair cut and shave but when I was returning bleeding started from my nose. My dad was worried and he decided I should not give AIEEE exam as it was in other city and I was not in a state to travel. I never felt that much helplessness in my entire life. I was depressed and all the things seemed dark and bleak. No hope , no energy nothing. I waited for this time through out my life and now it was passing and I was not able to do anything . Neither can I prepare nor I can give the exam . The only thing I had to do was to keep patience and wait and I was doing that only.
End of my School......
School always seemed awful to me since my childhood. I never wished to go there and gave all kinds of excuses to escape from it. But all of them were always in vain and I was forced to go to school. That time I always wished that some day I will get rid of this pathetic place. Long boring lectures, disgusting teachers which do not want to here anything from you, long sitting for hours which starts pain in butt. And my wish was finally granted.
With the arrival of new year, I made lots of resolution and even succeeded in following some of them. But with the start of pre board all my preparations and plans were scattered. At the time of pre board I realized that I'm not even 10% prepared and if continue with it I'll surely fail in board exams. After lots of mugging at the day before exam I managed to pass in all the subjects with boundary. The funny thing was that I didn't solve completely any of the question in maths. Due to partial marks just managed to get 36 marks but who cares if the highest was 44 . The completion of practical files and projects put a brake on our competitive preparation and after the exams I had only 18 days left.
As usual I wasted first few days in making plans but nothing serious. From 18th feb I realized that I have a long way to go. I hadn't yet touched 40% of chemistry, 60% of physics and 70% of maths. I was familiar with this condition because back in 10th standard I was in similar stage but still managed to get 88%. So I started preparing now at a serious level. After finishing maths syllabus once only 4 days were left for chemistry and I had to revise 9 chapters and 7 chapters I hadn't even seen their titles. As kabir had already mentioned to do our work of tomorrow at the present day due to fear of something disastrous. Same happened with me when my dad got seriously ill before my chemistry paper and he was admitted. I was panic and unstable but still continued to prepare and managed to do average in the paper.
Similarly all other papers went. There was a huge gap between English and maths paper and I wasted early days but managed to revise the complete syllabus. In each paper I was feared of completely screwing it due to very low confidence level but managed to do well due to very high over confidence level. But in maths paper the thing which I was scared from my childhood happened. I always finished my paper very early. In fact, in some papers I not even took half of the time allotted. I was stuck in a question and I attempted it 4 times until I completely solved it. It consumed a lot of time and I just got panic in the end screwing some crucial questions. This marks the beginning of a new era of mine. Paperfobia, in which in spite of knowing all the things I made lots of mistake and destroyed some golden chances.
I didn't studied anything for the computer paper and this was the best paper I had given, I was expecting 90+ in both computer and English and rest I left to god. At first not even 75% was being calculated in PCM. I was worried because it could disqualify me from some of the exams. I was very happy after my computer paper as no more school now. But my happiness turned into a great sorrow because just 2 hours after my computer paper I got ill. Now this was very disappointing but I thought it was temporary. Same as last year It ceased my beginning of competitive preparation. After some home treatment I was well after 5 days so I started preparing . As now with out any tension I managed to study for 15+ hours until I got ill again after 3 day. I was very much frustrated and annoyed but destiny and god were not willing to grant my wishes. I was not able to read my books and revision was completely ceased. Soon 12th April arrived the judgment day.
With the arrival of new year, I made lots of resolution and even succeeded in following some of them. But with the start of pre board all my preparations and plans were scattered. At the time of pre board I realized that I'm not even 10% prepared and if continue with it I'll surely fail in board exams. After lots of mugging at the day before exam I managed to pass in all the subjects with boundary. The funny thing was that I didn't solve completely any of the question in maths. Due to partial marks just managed to get 36 marks but who cares if the highest was 44 . The completion of practical files and projects put a brake on our competitive preparation and after the exams I had only 18 days left.
As usual I wasted first few days in making plans but nothing serious. From 18th feb I realized that I have a long way to go. I hadn't yet touched 40% of chemistry, 60% of physics and 70% of maths. I was familiar with this condition because back in 10th standard I was in similar stage but still managed to get 88%. So I started preparing now at a serious level. After finishing maths syllabus once only 4 days were left for chemistry and I had to revise 9 chapters and 7 chapters I hadn't even seen their titles. As kabir had already mentioned to do our work of tomorrow at the present day due to fear of something disastrous. Same happened with me when my dad got seriously ill before my chemistry paper and he was admitted. I was panic and unstable but still continued to prepare and managed to do average in the paper.
Similarly all other papers went. There was a huge gap between English and maths paper and I wasted early days but managed to revise the complete syllabus. In each paper I was feared of completely screwing it due to very low confidence level but managed to do well due to very high over confidence level. But in maths paper the thing which I was scared from my childhood happened. I always finished my paper very early. In fact, in some papers I not even took half of the time allotted. I was stuck in a question and I attempted it 4 times until I completely solved it. It consumed a lot of time and I just got panic in the end screwing some crucial questions. This marks the beginning of a new era of mine. Paperfobia, in which in spite of knowing all the things I made lots of mistake and destroyed some golden chances.
I didn't studied anything for the computer paper and this was the best paper I had given, I was expecting 90+ in both computer and English and rest I left to god. At first not even 75% was being calculated in PCM. I was worried because it could disqualify me from some of the exams. I was very happy after my computer paper as no more school now. But my happiness turned into a great sorrow because just 2 hours after my computer paper I got ill. Now this was very disappointing but I thought it was temporary. Same as last year It ceased my beginning of competitive preparation. After some home treatment I was well after 5 days so I started preparing . As now with out any tension I managed to study for 15+ hours until I got ill again after 3 day. I was very much frustrated and annoyed but destiny and god were not willing to grant my wishes. I was not able to read my books and revision was completely ceased. Soon 12th April arrived the judgment day.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Then also I love you dad.....
A father is the first and a true hero for a child, and it is the longing of every child to be like his father...
This was my status at father's day on Facebook. But these thoughts are not always permanent in my mind. Like every son and father relationship, I also have lots of mess, vehement arguments and debates with my dad and I know they will continue through out the life. From a child's perspective being father is just to impose your decisions, burst out your frustration and restriction on every thing where as from a father's perspective being a father is one of the most responsible act and you have to guide your child in each and every decision of his life. At present, there is a huge generation gap.
There was a poem in our text book about a father complaining that his son no more follow his will. Same problem is faced by most of the fathers that they think their control over their son is getting loose and he might choose a wrong path. Most of the son wants to swim fast and deep in the sea while all fathers want them at the beach to have a eye on them for their security. Sons want to fly high in the air while fathers want their feet on the ground for a safe approach. Even Gandhi ji who was heard by all the country failed to have a control on his elder son Hari Lal. This reflects the difficulty of being a father.
I also have a complex relation with my dad mixed with love,joy,anger,frustration,arguments etc all types of emotions. My dad always nourished me with the aim of shining his name and I also did the same till reaching 5th class. When due to certain silly mistake I failed to acquire first position in my class. He taunted me severely for this and kept on testing my patience but I didn't burst into tears until one day he turned very vehement. This was the first time I made a very negative image of him. But the queer thing was this that in his anger and frustration some time his love and caring was clearly reflected. I returned to the track soon and attained first position continuously in class 6th,7th and 8th. But this was not at all satisfactory for him and he wanted me to top the district while at that time I was a fierce critic of judging ones ability and potential by marks. I always used to tell my dad that marks are just illusion and they can never tell us about one's true capability but to him only marks were important and to being on the top. But I never understand his dual behavior. When I was full of zest and confidence he keep telling me about my failures and whenever I go downhill or in depression he always encouraged me and inculcated lots of confidence by telling that give your best, no worry about results. Giving our best is in our hands but result is not.
When I reached teen age I had become much more rebellious and used to fight with dad even on small things. Mom always acted as a barrier between us and she became the victim of fury of both of us. I always wonder how women have that much patience that they can endure all taunts and fights and still manage to keep the family together. After reaching the prime time of my career, dad was much more strict and he didn't like any of my carelessness. Watching TV, playing cricket or any other sort of entertainment. He wanted to see me only studying and I had no interest left in study at that time. I was baffled when he supported my decision of not going to coaching and said " I know you will make it on your own ". After it whenever he saw me not studying he taunted me that I wasted his 30k rs and still not using any of the time. He was right at that time but my rebellious and unstable mind could not bear this kinds of taunts and the final outcome was a fierce argument and then no talking for days. One day when dad said the same I replied I'll return 30 lakhs to you with in 10 years. Now only 7 years are left and still I haven't earned a single buck lets see whether I can keep up with my words or not. That day I was depressed and out of colors and decided to burst my feelings and I choose my fav. way .......
मन मे हो रही एक अग्नि प्रज्वलित
तपन जिसकी कर रही समूचे शरीर को विचलित
बह रही अनियत्रिंत भावनाये प्रचण
जल रहा मानो शरीर का खंड-खंड
अजब दौराहा है युवास्था और बालमन का
मानो अपने ही प्रतिबिम्ब से लड़ने सा
अनायास ही जो आया जिम्मेदारी का भार
अंचभित मन, अकल्पित स्थिति लाई रिश्तों मे दरार
एक सोच पर भार अनेको सोच का
एक आंकाक्षा पर भार अनेको मह्त्वकांक्षाओ का
एक सपने पर भार अनेको सपनो क
एक ही मन पर भार अनेको अपनो का
अग्नि की बढती लपटो से सब अधीर हो रहा
अपना ही अस्तित्व मानो विलीन हो रहा
डर यही कि इस अंधी दौड़ में
आगे बढने और श्रेष्ठ होने की हौड़ मे
कही फ़िसल न जाये यह नव सवार
पिछ्ड़ न जाये, न जाये अपने सपनो से हार
As per my dad only hard work is the ultimate and only solution of all problems and a key to success. Where as I always relied on mind and short tricks. When I was making notes in 12th dad always pointed out that you should read the theory not write the content but I always disobeyed him. I always tell him that what hard work has lerry page and sergey brin done or what hard work bill gates is doing. Only mind matters not hard work. But I was wrong. I failed in each and every stage of my life only due to lack of hard work. Dad was always right. As I have failed by my tricked I have decided to apply dad's trick now HARDWORK nothing else
During the competitive exam time when I was severely ill , he was my source of encouragement and he never let me fall. When I was not able to give AIEEE exam he said " don't worry perhaps something different is written in your destiny". Once I was thinking " how cruel dad is , if I was on his place I will do things..." and to much of my astonishment I imagined my self doing the same things. Perhaps the manner was different but same message. He always consented on my every decision and never thought for a single second about money. Whether it was joining the coaching, leaving it or going to kota.
Hero cycles had promoted an ad few days back in which a dad encourage his son for cycling when he was depressed after falling again and again, and ultimately he learned. All dads are the same, they keep on encouraging their child again and again either in positive or in negative way till they learn and emerges out as a successful human. There is a saying " there is only one child in this world and every mother has it" . Similarly I can say " there is only one best dad in this world and every child has it"
May be after meeting dad today I will say " dad I have written a blog about you" . Either he will give me a huge hug or say in his sarcastic tone " better to clean the room or read some thing " . No matter how many times we have argued and I disobeyed you. No matter how many times You hurt and rebuked me in front of many peoples. No matter how many times you are going to taunt me about my past failure. You are moody , sarcastic , rude and very annoying then also I love you dad because I know when ever I will rise you will be their to cheer and when ever I will fall you will lift me up and encourage me to rise again....
This was my status at father's day on Facebook. But these thoughts are not always permanent in my mind. Like every son and father relationship, I also have lots of mess, vehement arguments and debates with my dad and I know they will continue through out the life. From a child's perspective being father is just to impose your decisions, burst out your frustration and restriction on every thing where as from a father's perspective being a father is one of the most responsible act and you have to guide your child in each and every decision of his life. At present, there is a huge generation gap.
There was a poem in our text book about a father complaining that his son no more follow his will. Same problem is faced by most of the fathers that they think their control over their son is getting loose and he might choose a wrong path. Most of the son wants to swim fast and deep in the sea while all fathers want them at the beach to have a eye on them for their security. Sons want to fly high in the air while fathers want their feet on the ground for a safe approach. Even Gandhi ji who was heard by all the country failed to have a control on his elder son Hari Lal. This reflects the difficulty of being a father.
I also have a complex relation with my dad mixed with love,joy,anger,frustration,arguments etc all types of emotions. My dad always nourished me with the aim of shining his name and I also did the same till reaching 5th class. When due to certain silly mistake I failed to acquire first position in my class. He taunted me severely for this and kept on testing my patience but I didn't burst into tears until one day he turned very vehement. This was the first time I made a very negative image of him. But the queer thing was this that in his anger and frustration some time his love and caring was clearly reflected. I returned to the track soon and attained first position continuously in class 6th,7th and 8th. But this was not at all satisfactory for him and he wanted me to top the district while at that time I was a fierce critic of judging ones ability and potential by marks. I always used to tell my dad that marks are just illusion and they can never tell us about one's true capability but to him only marks were important and to being on the top. But I never understand his dual behavior. When I was full of zest and confidence he keep telling me about my failures and whenever I go downhill or in depression he always encouraged me and inculcated lots of confidence by telling that give your best, no worry about results. Giving our best is in our hands but result is not.
When I reached teen age I had become much more rebellious and used to fight with dad even on small things. Mom always acted as a barrier between us and she became the victim of fury of both of us. I always wonder how women have that much patience that they can endure all taunts and fights and still manage to keep the family together. After reaching the prime time of my career, dad was much more strict and he didn't like any of my carelessness. Watching TV, playing cricket or any other sort of entertainment. He wanted to see me only studying and I had no interest left in study at that time. I was baffled when he supported my decision of not going to coaching and said " I know you will make it on your own ". After it whenever he saw me not studying he taunted me that I wasted his 30k rs and still not using any of the time. He was right at that time but my rebellious and unstable mind could not bear this kinds of taunts and the final outcome was a fierce argument and then no talking for days. One day when dad said the same I replied I'll return 30 lakhs to you with in 10 years. Now only 7 years are left and still I haven't earned a single buck lets see whether I can keep up with my words or not. That day I was depressed and out of colors and decided to burst my feelings and I choose my fav. way .......
मन मे हो रही एक अग्नि प्रज्वलित
तपन जिसकी कर रही समूचे शरीर को विचलित
बह रही अनियत्रिंत भावनाये प्रचण
जल रहा मानो शरीर का खंड-खंड
अजब दौराहा है युवास्था और बालमन का
मानो अपने ही प्रतिबिम्ब से लड़ने सा
अनायास ही जो आया जिम्मेदारी का भार
अंचभित मन, अकल्पित स्थिति लाई रिश्तों मे दरार
एक सोच पर भार अनेको सोच का
एक आंकाक्षा पर भार अनेको मह्त्वकांक्षाओ का
एक सपने पर भार अनेको सपनो क
एक ही मन पर भार अनेको अपनो का
अग्नि की बढती लपटो से सब अधीर हो रहा
अपना ही अस्तित्व मानो विलीन हो रहा
डर यही कि इस अंधी दौड़ में
आगे बढने और श्रेष्ठ होने की हौड़ मे
कही फ़िसल न जाये यह नव सवार
पिछ्ड़ न जाये, न जाये अपने सपनो से हार
As per my dad only hard work is the ultimate and only solution of all problems and a key to success. Where as I always relied on mind and short tricks. When I was making notes in 12th dad always pointed out that you should read the theory not write the content but I always disobeyed him. I always tell him that what hard work has lerry page and sergey brin done or what hard work bill gates is doing. Only mind matters not hard work. But I was wrong. I failed in each and every stage of my life only due to lack of hard work. Dad was always right. As I have failed by my tricked I have decided to apply dad's trick now HARDWORK nothing else
During the competitive exam time when I was severely ill , he was my source of encouragement and he never let me fall. When I was not able to give AIEEE exam he said " don't worry perhaps something different is written in your destiny". Once I was thinking " how cruel dad is , if I was on his place I will do things..." and to much of my astonishment I imagined my self doing the same things. Perhaps the manner was different but same message. He always consented on my every decision and never thought for a single second about money. Whether it was joining the coaching, leaving it or going to kota.
Hero cycles had promoted an ad few days back in which a dad encourage his son for cycling when he was depressed after falling again and again, and ultimately he learned. All dads are the same, they keep on encouraging their child again and again either in positive or in negative way till they learn and emerges out as a successful human. There is a saying " there is only one child in this world and every mother has it" . Similarly I can say " there is only one best dad in this world and every child has it"
May be after meeting dad today I will say " dad I have written a blog about you" . Either he will give me a huge hug or say in his sarcastic tone " better to clean the room or read some thing " . No matter how many times we have argued and I disobeyed you. No matter how many times You hurt and rebuked me in front of many peoples. No matter how many times you are going to taunt me about my past failure. You are moody , sarcastic , rude and very annoying then also I love you dad because I know when ever I will rise you will be their to cheer and when ever I will fall you will lift me up and encourage me to rise again....
Monday, July 19, 2010
Introspection and Exploration...
I'll begin with a reply to Mr. anonymous, that respected sir you are complaining that my blog has no content. Let me clear you I'm writing about my life not about rakhi sawant's life so that there can't be any kind of scandals or masalas in it. I am just giving a brief elaboration of incidents that have occurred in my past life and if you have read my first blog, i have mentioned there that i wish i will laugh one day by reading all this. About my pathetic English, I'll reply it in the end.
The onset of school began in the same monotonous manner. Lots of planning, schedule , time table , resolution but nothing concrete, just superficial. After passing 11th with a first division I came to a conclusion that school studies meant only mugging. You didn't have to understand, learn or apply. Proper and well arranged 'NOTES' may prove to be a 'BRAMHASTRA'. So I decided I'll make good notes of subjects in which I'm weak. I started making notes of Chemistry first. As I was free from coaching so I devoted all my time to school studies and started solving the basics of all subjects. I arranged some good books and daily devoted 5 or 6 hours in note making of chemistry. To made them decorative and attractive I used sparkles, glitters and jel pens of all colours.
But the computer syllabus was still giving me lots of problem. We were told that we will have to submit a project in c++. Our school teacher just used to give us notes but no concepts. One of my friend was going to a outside tutorial for c++ and in a short time he had made a good command on this subject. So I thought I should act like a sycophant and some how obtain his trust, to be his project partner. But there was one big problem. I used to be very arrogant and self praising at that time and he had also the same colors. I was his only comparable rival and I didn't want to bow down. He used to be very sarcastic and I was alsovery proudy and man of self respect. I thought I'll never ever able to suffer and counter act his taunts so I gave up the idea.
I thought to do it on my own. I bought a book of c++ of 11th standard and started reading it. All the text seemed to be alien and I was not getting any of the logic or concept. Even the basics were giving me tremendous trouble. I decided to seek help from our school teacher and that fellow. I adopted the NOTE logic here also and started making good decorative notes of c++ from 11th and 12th class book. After struggling a lot in the beginning soon after some help I gained momentum very fast. Gradually I gained a good command on the subject and soon left that fellow behind. Now I was sure I can make my project by my own.
My competitive schedule was heavily affected by a trip to REWA of 5 days where my sister was studying BAMS. Soon school test started and I quit studying competitive again. After an average performance in school test I accelerated my note making and soon reached a very appreciable stage in both chemistry and computer. I was able to acquire second position in terminal examination although with very less marks.
But I kept on repeating the same mistakes again and again. If there were some hurdles and I had to quit study, I always started from the beginning thinking that soon I'll complete the syllabus. I never came back to a right track due to this inconsistency and kept on doing the questions from some selected chapters again and again. Meanwhile I had taken the task of making the computer program myself. When I started things looked very easy to me but soon all sorts of trouble. I was able to frame a proper algorithm but didn't know how to use functions and all that. Each day I worked for 2 or 3 hours and still the number of bugs increased. Gradually I was gaining confidence and soon I debugged the complete program. I was the only boy in the class submitting a self made program. I asked my sir " whats the use of this much hard work of mine, rest of the students had bought a good program from market worth 200rs". Sir replied " hard work is never wasted. At present it may seem all your hard work is in vain but when you will enter into real market, your hard work will definitely pay off".
Although a very common and futile experience but it has given me lots of confidence and zest. A feeling of faith is inculcated in me that if you really tried hard nothing will be impossible. Gradually you will learn. Your each failure will bring you more close to your aim. Each hurdle will make you to learn something new. So we should never quit. As we never know how near we are from success. May be we have dug several kms and decided to quit when the gold is just a few meters away. So back to you anonymous, I know my English is bad. I don't know even the basics but gradually by blogging and debugging it I will improve. I had not decided to blog until having a good command in English but a friend of mine encouraged me and I stepped forward. You are telling me not to ride the bicycle as I don't know riding it properly. But let me tell you anonymous I love to fall . The scars and wounds encourage me to learn it more properly and effectively. So you can keep on taunting me for pathetic content and bad English but I am in a constant up gradation mode and soon will reach a very good level of both blogging and English. In the end...
जीवन की दिशा मार्गदर्शक और आलोचक दोनो ही निर्धारित करते है। जहाँ एक आलोचक मन मे नकारत्मकता लिये , हीनभावना से ग्रसित होकर गलत शब्दो का उपयोग कर पौधे को कुचलने का प्रयास करता है वही एक मार्गदर्शक सही शब्दो का उपयोग कर , उचित राह बाता पौधे को व्रक्ष बनने मे मदद करता है। आलोचक को कोई सम्मान नही देता वही मार्गदर्शक की महानता को मजबुत व्रक्ष भी झुक कर सलाम करता है। आलोचक उन कंटिली झाडियो की तरह होते है जो एक बार पैरो को बेध कर गलत राह पर चलने से बचाते है वही मार्गदर्शक उन दिशाचिन्हो की तरह होते है जो राही को भटकने ही नही देती।
The onset of school began in the same monotonous manner. Lots of planning, schedule , time table , resolution but nothing concrete, just superficial. After passing 11th with a first division I came to a conclusion that school studies meant only mugging. You didn't have to understand, learn or apply. Proper and well arranged 'NOTES' may prove to be a 'BRAMHASTRA'. So I decided I'll make good notes of subjects in which I'm weak. I started making notes of Chemistry first. As I was free from coaching so I devoted all my time to school studies and started solving the basics of all subjects. I arranged some good books and daily devoted 5 or 6 hours in note making of chemistry. To made them decorative and attractive I used sparkles, glitters and jel pens of all colours.
But the computer syllabus was still giving me lots of problem. We were told that we will have to submit a project in c++. Our school teacher just used to give us notes but no concepts. One of my friend was going to a outside tutorial for c++ and in a short time he had made a good command on this subject. So I thought I should act like a sycophant and some how obtain his trust, to be his project partner. But there was one big problem. I used to be very arrogant and self praising at that time and he had also the same colors. I was his only comparable rival and I didn't want to bow down. He used to be very sarcastic and I was alsovery proudy and man of self respect. I thought I'll never ever able to suffer and counter act his taunts so I gave up the idea.
I thought to do it on my own. I bought a book of c++ of 11th standard and started reading it. All the text seemed to be alien and I was not getting any of the logic or concept. Even the basics were giving me tremendous trouble. I decided to seek help from our school teacher and that fellow. I adopted the NOTE logic here also and started making good decorative notes of c++ from 11th and 12th class book. After struggling a lot in the beginning soon after some help I gained momentum very fast. Gradually I gained a good command on the subject and soon left that fellow behind. Now I was sure I can make my project by my own.
My competitive schedule was heavily affected by a trip to REWA of 5 days where my sister was studying BAMS. Soon school test started and I quit studying competitive again. After an average performance in school test I accelerated my note making and soon reached a very appreciable stage in both chemistry and computer. I was able to acquire second position in terminal examination although with very less marks.
But I kept on repeating the same mistakes again and again. If there were some hurdles and I had to quit study, I always started from the beginning thinking that soon I'll complete the syllabus. I never came back to a right track due to this inconsistency and kept on doing the questions from some selected chapters again and again. Meanwhile I had taken the task of making the computer program myself. When I started things looked very easy to me but soon all sorts of trouble. I was able to frame a proper algorithm but didn't know how to use functions and all that. Each day I worked for 2 or 3 hours and still the number of bugs increased. Gradually I was gaining confidence and soon I debugged the complete program. I was the only boy in the class submitting a self made program. I asked my sir " whats the use of this much hard work of mine, rest of the students had bought a good program from market worth 200rs". Sir replied " hard work is never wasted. At present it may seem all your hard work is in vain but when you will enter into real market, your hard work will definitely pay off".
Although a very common and futile experience but it has given me lots of confidence and zest. A feeling of faith is inculcated in me that if you really tried hard nothing will be impossible. Gradually you will learn. Your each failure will bring you more close to your aim. Each hurdle will make you to learn something new. So we should never quit. As we never know how near we are from success. May be we have dug several kms and decided to quit when the gold is just a few meters away. So back to you anonymous, I know my English is bad. I don't know even the basics but gradually by blogging and debugging it I will improve. I had not decided to blog until having a good command in English but a friend of mine encouraged me and I stepped forward. You are telling me not to ride the bicycle as I don't know riding it properly. But let me tell you anonymous I love to fall . The scars and wounds encourage me to learn it more properly and effectively. So you can keep on taunting me for pathetic content and bad English but I am in a constant up gradation mode and soon will reach a very good level of both blogging and English. In the end...
जीवन की दिशा मार्गदर्शक और आलोचक दोनो ही निर्धारित करते है। जहाँ एक आलोचक मन मे नकारत्मकता लिये , हीनभावना से ग्रसित होकर गलत शब्दो का उपयोग कर पौधे को कुचलने का प्रयास करता है वही एक मार्गदर्शक सही शब्दो का उपयोग कर , उचित राह बाता पौधे को व्रक्ष बनने मे मदद करता है। आलोचक को कोई सम्मान नही देता वही मार्गदर्शक की महानता को मजबुत व्रक्ष भी झुक कर सलाम करता है। आलोचक उन कंटिली झाडियो की तरह होते है जो एक बार पैरो को बेध कर गलत राह पर चलने से बचाते है वही मार्गदर्शक उन दिशाचिन्हो की तरह होते है जो राही को भटकने ही नही देती।
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Wind of changes......
After the end of my YAGYOPAVIT, I realized that my eyes were still giving lots of trouble to me. I wasn't able to concentrate much on studies both in school and coaching. So I quit study for that time as each time I gazed any book it scared me. Not even a single word was clearly visible. Soon we planned to go to INDORE for a check up. But I don't know what happened but circumstances never allowed us to visit there. With the end of school I was relieved a bit but our coaching teacher announced a new problem. He wanted to take a test to shuffle batches in accordance with student's potential. As I had done only scattered preparation and some how was struggling hence, I was very unfit and unwilling for the test. Then also I changed my direction of study and started focusing on the test to try my level best. I revised same thing again and again and it had a very bad effect on my further preparation. I screwed the test and was thrown in a batch which was not supposed to qualify in IIT.
Meanwhile gradually some changes were happening in my eye. I came to know about it in early MAY that now I was able to see more clearly. I was using some YOGA and ayurvedic techniques for the rectification of my eye sight. Filling your mouth completely with water and then wash your eyes slowly. I used to repeat it six times a day and by some miracle my eye sight came back to normal mode at the end of MAY. But the hectic coaching schedule was still a big hurdle for my self study. Meanwhile I came in contact with BITS360 forum. There I read lots of articles about engineering, scope of various branches, comparison of BITS to IITs and many other such stuff. It influenced and revolutionized my perspective and finally I decided to quit coaching forever and rely completely on self study. Now that was something unexpected and very risky. As I was the only person in the whole city which had decided not to join any coaching for 12th standard, at least I can claim this for my school. Nevertheless I started preparing on my own.
Meanwhile I was learning a lot from bits360 site that a college didn't matter that much as your own capabilities do. Finally I quit the decision of running blindly behind IITs and started to gain knowledge as much as I can. I had also started participating in the stuff going on their with ID self_study and initiated threads like
http://www.bits360.com/forum/engineer-on-each-street-t3110.html
http://www.bits360.com/forum/an-aspirant-observation-t3106-10.html
I had become a fierce coaching critic that time. To some extent it was their mistake as they failed to provide a proper and enthusiastic environment for learning but honestly speaking I was putting all my faults on them. Also I was struggling to complete my computer syllabus. I was unable to understand about programming and c++ functions and all such. Even I was not knowing the basics. I tried my level best with some upper power to change my subject but our principle didn't consent. That time I realized that it's very painful and troublesome if you are forced to study what you don't wish to.
When in free time I used to dream a lot. Dreaming myself as IITJEE or BITSAT topper. The first student which dared to do preparation on his own and succeeded. I thought about making blogs about my success and guiding other aspirants how you can also do it. I dreamed to bring a new revolution in competitive stage.Teen age is very delicate age where you live most in dream then in real life. You visualize yourself as some one very powerful and successful and I was not an exception. In fact I was on the extreme stage of it where I used to do nothing just dreaming,dreaming and dreaming.
I kept on repeating the same mistakes again and again which I had already done in 11th standard. I made a big time table for completing this thing in that time. Started very well and read the early chapters already done 10 times again and again and then collapsed then restarted with the same procedure. It was just like a roller in which I was rolling. Despite doing much handwork but got back to initial point again and again
Before the schools were about to start I faced the biggest trauma of my life and my confidence was completely broken and scattered. Some personal problems kept me depressed and in a very bleak situation for a long time. With the starting of my school some how I recovered and started preparation again but now with a much different and better approach. Even then due to lack of consistency and punctuality, nothing fruitful came for me. But some how I was able to ran in the race.
Meanwhile gradually some changes were happening in my eye. I came to know about it in early MAY that now I was able to see more clearly. I was using some YOGA and ayurvedic techniques for the rectification of my eye sight. Filling your mouth completely with water and then wash your eyes slowly. I used to repeat it six times a day and by some miracle my eye sight came back to normal mode at the end of MAY. But the hectic coaching schedule was still a big hurdle for my self study. Meanwhile I came in contact with BITS360 forum. There I read lots of articles about engineering, scope of various branches, comparison of BITS to IITs and many other such stuff. It influenced and revolutionized my perspective and finally I decided to quit coaching forever and rely completely on self study. Now that was something unexpected and very risky. As I was the only person in the whole city which had decided not to join any coaching for 12th standard, at least I can claim this for my school. Nevertheless I started preparing on my own.
Meanwhile I was learning a lot from bits360 site that a college didn't matter that much as your own capabilities do. Finally I quit the decision of running blindly behind IITs and started to gain knowledge as much as I can. I had also started participating in the stuff going on their with ID self_study and initiated threads like
http://www.bits360.com/forum/engineer-on-each-street-t3110.html
http://www.bits360.com/forum/an-aspirant-observation-t3106-10.html
I had become a fierce coaching critic that time. To some extent it was their mistake as they failed to provide a proper and enthusiastic environment for learning but honestly speaking I was putting all my faults on them. Also I was struggling to complete my computer syllabus. I was unable to understand about programming and c++ functions and all such. Even I was not knowing the basics. I tried my level best with some upper power to change my subject but our principle didn't consent. That time I realized that it's very painful and troublesome if you are forced to study what you don't wish to.
When in free time I used to dream a lot. Dreaming myself as IITJEE or BITSAT topper. The first student which dared to do preparation on his own and succeeded. I thought about making blogs about my success and guiding other aspirants how you can also do it. I dreamed to bring a new revolution in competitive stage.Teen age is very delicate age where you live most in dream then in real life. You visualize yourself as some one very powerful and successful and I was not an exception. In fact I was on the extreme stage of it where I used to do nothing just dreaming,dreaming and dreaming.
I kept on repeating the same mistakes again and again which I had already done in 11th standard. I made a big time table for completing this thing in that time. Started very well and read the early chapters already done 10 times again and again and then collapsed then restarted with the same procedure. It was just like a roller in which I was rolling. Despite doing much handwork but got back to initial point again and again
Before the schools were about to start I faced the biggest trauma of my life and my confidence was completely broken and scattered. Some personal problems kept me depressed and in a very bleak situation for a long time. With the starting of my school some how I recovered and started preparation again but now with a much different and better approach. Even then due to lack of consistency and punctuality, nothing fruitful came for me. But some how I was able to ran in the race.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
YAGYOPAVIT SANSKAR : modernization of a tradition
YAGYOPAVIT SANSKAR OR JANEU SANSKAR is a tradition in Hindu community which marks the onset of student life of a boy. Although it is a ritual but it has many scientific benefits. Back in the old ages when there were no schools in each cities, GURUKULS were the only source of education. But these gurukuls were not available in all the cities. Hence those fellows which want to attain some further education had to migrate from their home town to a city where the gurukul existed .So before they were sent, some rituals were performed in which he vowed to follow some specific rules. Then during his student life he was sent daily to pick some foods from the villagers for the gurukul. When his education was completed , his MAMA (mom's brother) was sent to pick him and he returned to his own city to utilize his knowledge.
Since my childhood I have visited many a times in some ones YAGYOPAVIT and it always fascinated me especially the running of the boy and how the MAMA struggles to catch him. Besides there were many other actions performed during YAGYOPAVIT which seemed quite interesting. During the end of my 11th class I came to know that my mom and dad are secretly planning for this. Since I am miser, I was highly reluctant for it as an waste of 2 to 2.5 lakh was obvious. There was a chapter in my old hindi text book " khane aur khilane ka rashtriya shauk". In which the author explains how Indians are always seeking the occasions of either eating or to make others eat. This parties are also a way of bragging about our social status but in mom's words if we have eaten from others then it is our moral duty to give a party once. My rebellion was crushed by the arrows of emotions.
The shubha muhurtha was on 17th april. All of my family members had started huge shopping. Expensive clothes and other stuff. Many caterers were also contacting us but we didn't accepted any of theirs offer and recruited the best 'halwai' of the city. It was annoying to see that all were just busy doing shopping or arrangements and paying no attention to me ' the center of attraction'. Anyways that frustrating question by every relative or guest was rising my temper" tumhe chashma lag gaya " . I don't understand this why we ask such futile question. If I am wearing glasses then it is obvious . If some one is eating we ask " khana kha rahe ho "... if some one is sleeping we awake him and ask " so rahe the kya " ... if we met some one outside we ask " kahi bahar ja rahe ho kya ". At that time I was comfortable with my glasses as it was giving me a smart look. My face had adjusted it but my eyes were still suffering.
Now it was the time to polish the face so that it twinkles a lot on the stage. The man which bath with gaps of at least 5 days was now forced to bath daily, wash face 5 times and use some queer beuaty cream at the night. A week before gold facial was done on my face. That time I realized why all the girls are very fond of beauty parlors and facials. In short I can define now-a-days yagyopavit sanskar as a marriage in which their is no wife is coming. As all the other actions performed are similar.
On 13th April, 'Haldi Rasm' was performed and all the women of society covered body with turmeric. Then the barber of our caste with his other beauty equipments washed me and I was given a knife.For each day till the main function I had to wash my body before applying 'ubtan'. It is a believed that after having turmeric on your body you become more prone to ghosts and spirits. Next day, it was 'mehndi' time and I was feeling very feminine being surrounded by women and having turmeric and mehndi on me. Any ways my hands got a very dark and bright color so all were teasing me by saying you will got a very beautiful wife. Some minute rituals were performed on 15th.
On 16th, the day started with 'GANESHA POOJAN', as GANESHA is invited on every holy occasions first. GANESHA's statues are made from flour and other cereals and some mantras are enchanted. After it 'MATA POOJAN' is performed in which we invite our KULA DEVI to take care of the occasion.Early on the day 17th the 'pitrus' or the old members which are dead are invited to give their blessings and be a part of their family functions. Then 'MANDAP' is performed in which the 'JAMAIs' of the family are gifted a 'JANEU', later they made a 'MANDAP' in which I was given a 'JANEU'. Some mantras are enchanted after that I reached our gurukul , their the guru ji give me a secret guru mantra and some vows ...
1) wake up before the sun rise
2) sleep before 10
3) JANEU has to be adjusted during toilet and some other process
4) remain away from PAN,tobacco and liquor
GURU ji whispered in my ear " son, you are even not authorized to talk with girls " . I replied " guru ji, don't worry but can I chat with them on internet". The event of 'BHIKSHA' for the gurukil is followed in which the women of society give cereals and money for running the gurukul. After this event my cousins asked me that how much money have I stolen. I replied " salo, batana tha na churane ki bhi rakhi thi 1000rs to uda hi leta, ab to sab guruji le gaye". Then my favorite step, in which I had to run and my MAMA had to catch me. It was a very small street. And all the cousins or I should say traitors had formed a very good CHAKRYAVYEUHA so that I can't skip. Yet I tried my best but was caught after 10 seconds. One of my cousin played double game and helped me to get free. Then I entered into a tempo and lots of people were following me. After going round and round 3/4 times around that tempo I ran with my full caliber but was caught after few steps by the people coming from the front side. I disappointed others. Anyways My mama lifted me on his shoulder and took me back despite that I was very healthy and he was a single 'pasli' person. Then gifts and clothes were given by the members of our castes and acquaintances. After having a very tasty lunch it was time to rest.
I woke up at 5pm and we had to get ready to sit on the stage. It was the time to be groomed with lots of make up,accessories and my face was really shining. On the stage I was having a feeling of being special as all eyes were on me. The party started. Lots of masti, dhum dhadaka, naach gana. I have to touch the feet of every person coming on stage and it really had broken my back. It had begun to pain. It was a nice experience to see all the peoples eating,talking and enjoying from the stage. I was repenting that I forgot to call some of my friends and those I called didn't come as they thought I was joking. After having a lots of photograph I came down from stage at 12am. Now it was time to have dinner. Lots of items "kashmiri dosa,dahi bada, rajbhog, kaju katli, aam pana ,sri khand,variety of vegetables , tandoori roti" and many more. At 3am we left the garden and then I realized why the film starts rely on liquor after their downfall. The shine of stage is so addicting, that you don't want to go back again in dark.But I am happy I'll enjoy all this perks again in my marriage. Incredible India, Incredible culture.....
Since my childhood I have visited many a times in some ones YAGYOPAVIT and it always fascinated me especially the running of the boy and how the MAMA struggles to catch him. Besides there were many other actions performed during YAGYOPAVIT which seemed quite interesting. During the end of my 11th class I came to know that my mom and dad are secretly planning for this. Since I am miser, I was highly reluctant for it as an waste of 2 to 2.5 lakh was obvious. There was a chapter in my old hindi text book " khane aur khilane ka rashtriya shauk". In which the author explains how Indians are always seeking the occasions of either eating or to make others eat. This parties are also a way of bragging about our social status but in mom's words if we have eaten from others then it is our moral duty to give a party once. My rebellion was crushed by the arrows of emotions.
The shubha muhurtha was on 17th april. All of my family members had started huge shopping. Expensive clothes and other stuff. Many caterers were also contacting us but we didn't accepted any of theirs offer and recruited the best 'halwai' of the city. It was annoying to see that all were just busy doing shopping or arrangements and paying no attention to me ' the center of attraction'. Anyways that frustrating question by every relative or guest was rising my temper" tumhe chashma lag gaya " . I don't understand this why we ask such futile question. If I am wearing glasses then it is obvious . If some one is eating we ask " khana kha rahe ho "... if some one is sleeping we awake him and ask " so rahe the kya " ... if we met some one outside we ask " kahi bahar ja rahe ho kya ". At that time I was comfortable with my glasses as it was giving me a smart look. My face had adjusted it but my eyes were still suffering.
Now it was the time to polish the face so that it twinkles a lot on the stage. The man which bath with gaps of at least 5 days was now forced to bath daily, wash face 5 times and use some queer beuaty cream at the night. A week before gold facial was done on my face. That time I realized why all the girls are very fond of beauty parlors and facials. In short I can define now-a-days yagyopavit sanskar as a marriage in which their is no wife is coming. As all the other actions performed are similar.
On 13th April, 'Haldi Rasm' was performed and all the women of society covered body with turmeric. Then the barber of our caste with his other beauty equipments washed me and I was given a knife.For each day till the main function I had to wash my body before applying 'ubtan'. It is a believed that after having turmeric on your body you become more prone to ghosts and spirits. Next day, it was 'mehndi' time and I was feeling very feminine being surrounded by women and having turmeric and mehndi on me. Any ways my hands got a very dark and bright color so all were teasing me by saying you will got a very beautiful wife. Some minute rituals were performed on 15th.
On 16th, the day started with 'GANESHA POOJAN', as GANESHA is invited on every holy occasions first. GANESHA's statues are made from flour and other cereals and some mantras are enchanted. After it 'MATA POOJAN' is performed in which we invite our KULA DEVI to take care of the occasion.Early on the day 17th the 'pitrus' or the old members which are dead are invited to give their blessings and be a part of their family functions. Then 'MANDAP' is performed in which the 'JAMAIs' of the family are gifted a 'JANEU', later they made a 'MANDAP' in which I was given a 'JANEU'. Some mantras are enchanted after that I reached our gurukul , their the guru ji give me a secret guru mantra and some vows ...
1) wake up before the sun rise
2) sleep before 10
3) JANEU has to be adjusted during toilet and some other process
4) remain away from PAN,tobacco and liquor
GURU ji whispered in my ear " son, you are even not authorized to talk with girls " . I replied " guru ji, don't worry but can I chat with them on internet". The event of 'BHIKSHA' for the gurukil is followed in which the women of society give cereals and money for running the gurukul. After this event my cousins asked me that how much money have I stolen. I replied " salo, batana tha na churane ki bhi rakhi thi 1000rs to uda hi leta, ab to sab guruji le gaye". Then my favorite step, in which I had to run and my MAMA had to catch me. It was a very small street. And all the cousins or I should say traitors had formed a very good CHAKRYAVYEUHA so that I can't skip. Yet I tried my best but was caught after 10 seconds. One of my cousin played double game and helped me to get free. Then I entered into a tempo and lots of people were following me. After going round and round 3/4 times around that tempo I ran with my full caliber but was caught after few steps by the people coming from the front side. I disappointed others. Anyways My mama lifted me on his shoulder and took me back despite that I was very healthy and he was a single 'pasli' person. Then gifts and clothes were given by the members of our castes and acquaintances. After having a very tasty lunch it was time to rest.
I woke up at 5pm and we had to get ready to sit on the stage. It was the time to be groomed with lots of make up,accessories and my face was really shining. On the stage I was having a feeling of being special as all eyes were on me. The party started. Lots of masti, dhum dhadaka, naach gana. I have to touch the feet of every person coming on stage and it really had broken my back. It had begun to pain. It was a nice experience to see all the peoples eating,talking and enjoying from the stage. I was repenting that I forgot to call some of my friends and those I called didn't come as they thought I was joking. After having a lots of photograph I came down from stage at 12am. Now it was time to have dinner. Lots of items "kashmiri dosa,dahi bada, rajbhog, kaju katli, aam pana ,sri khand,variety of vegetables , tandoori roti" and many more. At 3am we left the garden and then I realized why the film starts rely on liquor after their downfall. The shine of stage is so addicting, that you don't want to go back again in dark.But I am happy I'll enjoy all this perks again in my marriage. Incredible India, Incredible culture.....
Monday, July 12, 2010
The cruel claws of destiny.....
"Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him."
These words of Henry Miller seems perfect to me today but 3 years back I would have vehemently argued and not accepted it at any cost. At that time I was in such confidence that if some Jyotishi told me that you don't have the line of doing these then I will have surely made it by a knife. That was an era of extreme overconfidence. As I have mentioned in previous blog that after the end of 11th standard I have made various plan. I will study 15 hours daily, will do this in this much time , will complete the syllabus and blab blab other things. It was 20th march when the final practical exam was finished and we were free for 10 days. So as usual in control of my procrastination I decided to take a few days rest. It was 23rd march when I woke up at 7 am and was reading the newspaper when I realized that the letters are very blur and I am not able to read without focusing and stressing much on my eyes. A blur zig zag figure was flashing alternatively. As I have already gone through this experience various time so I didn't pay much heed to this and stop reading news paper thinking that it might be temporary.
This problem persisted through out the day but. It was nothing strange but after 3 days when I was in a hair saloon I realized that I am not able to visualize even the image of barber in the mirror at 2 feet. Now i was worried and I told this to my mom and dad. Dad guessed it may be conjunctivitis so We decided to give some rest to eyes and as all Indians do , not to take any immediate action or going to doctor. It was 29th march when I was not able to read any single letter of news paper. I told dad we need to go to a doctor.
This was my first encounter with an eye specialist. I was scared. It just revived my old fear that I will not be able to see again clearly or with glasses no girl will marry me.That damn long check up started . They poured some liquid in my eyes and told me that I'll not be able to see clearly through out the day then those scary check up lots of machines and digital images, and finally the doctor told me you have far-sightedness and asked to form glasses with +.25 in the left.
I was happy. Finally I'll be able to see and read again. When the glasses were ready and I wore them still the same problem was there. I asked my sis, she replied the lens takes some time to adjust. But nothing happened. We went to that doctor again . That rude, arrogant old lady started scolding us and told that she is perfect in her profession and she couldn't do any mistake and if u have any query then pay the fees and she will check again.
Dad said that if we have to pay the fees again then we must consult a better doctor. And we reached clinic of the best doctor. Same procedure was there but I was baffled and horrified when he gave me the same number of glasses. I said in shuddering voice "but doc that lady have also given me the same number". Doctor said then I have to analyze you throughly. He also put some liquid in my eyes and told me that I would not be able to see clearly for a day. When I was sitting with eyes closed . I said " dad , future looks completely bleak to me ". Dad replied " Son , I know you don't trust in god but this time for me pray with full faith" . I done the same and was hoping for some thing better. The doctor gave me new number of minus sign in one eye and plus in other :D and said I was trying to focus much and thus was able to read that chart and number was coming wrong. Meanwhile the school had started and now I was a source of attraction with lots of people asking " abe kandil kab laga chashma " , " sale 10 din mein itna padh liya ki battery ho gaya "," oye char aakh wale is baar to tu phodega matlab". I wished to kick on their ass and told them " salo yaha par pahle himeri thuk rahi hai,kuch bhi nahi deekh raha aur tum ko majak sujha raha hai " .
When some one really needs moral support what we often do is to pull his leg and further discourage him . Any how I was struggling to write in copies and to visualize the black board. Meanwhile due to some strange enthusiasm I had again joined my coaching. The timing were 12pm to 7:30 and in my friends words " beth beth kar peechwada suj gaya .. jeans phas gayi . Their used to be around 400 students in a single room and we all used to sit in such an alignment that we can't even itch our own leg. Dhakka mukki was obvious and the fellow which used to sit at the end of the row falls minimum 5 times during lecture . But there was one advantage also of this position. That time we used to throw chalk at each other. I with some of my gang used to come up half hour early , then we stole some chalks and used to throw it on other guys while the lectures were delivered. I had practiced that much that I could hit on the head or butt of a person standing 10 meters away. The fellow sitting at that place might feels safe and the others don't risk to throw there thinking " kabhi ladkiyo ko lag gaya to izzat ka kachra ho jata hai ". Gals can endure any pain while in beauty parlor,those painful threading and waxing ... but even if a light chalk or something else by mistake touched them then wahi ganga jamuna bahna chalu ho jate hai . Some daringbaaj people even take this risk and hit those fellows also. Some times chalk reached the teacher but they always ignored it as they have done the same thing in their childhood.The head of our institute was one of the most dumbest person I have ever met. He may be very knowledgeable but his arrogance has eaten his wisdom. He separated from his brother who took the charge of Indore center while he was left with ujjain with poor faculties. He used to take a 6 hour lecture in which half the time he used to tell us how great he was, one hour he criticized and bully other contemporary coachings , 1 hour while talking on cell, rest 1 hour wo kabhi kabhi kuch padha leta tha " .Meanwhile marpit , chalk mara mari , gossips , abusing sab chalte rahte the . Some artistic students use this time to make obscene figures on benches.
I with my dim lighted eye was some how struggling. When the new glasses were ready I was having the same problem, I was not able to see clearly with them also. Immediately we went their where his assistant said that wait for 8 days and then we will seek for some other measures.
I was exhausted and mentally broken, for the first time in my life I was feeling helpless as I was suffering from such a problem in which none of the measures were working.I was travelling in a dark bleak perpetual tunnel devoid of any hope or enthusiasm. I completely left my studies, started ignoring even the newspapers and other magazines. Even those letters which flashed at the end of news channels were enough to horrify me. I was completely entangled in fear and obsession . Meanwhile my dad organize my YAGYOPAVIT SANSKAR. I will write about it in the next post.Sorry for such a lengthy post it seems i just got carried away .
These words of Henry Miller seems perfect to me today but 3 years back I would have vehemently argued and not accepted it at any cost. At that time I was in such confidence that if some Jyotishi told me that you don't have the line of doing these then I will have surely made it by a knife. That was an era of extreme overconfidence. As I have mentioned in previous blog that after the end of 11th standard I have made various plan. I will study 15 hours daily, will do this in this much time , will complete the syllabus and blab blab other things. It was 20th march when the final practical exam was finished and we were free for 10 days. So as usual in control of my procrastination I decided to take a few days rest. It was 23rd march when I woke up at 7 am and was reading the newspaper when I realized that the letters are very blur and I am not able to read without focusing and stressing much on my eyes. A blur zig zag figure was flashing alternatively. As I have already gone through this experience various time so I didn't pay much heed to this and stop reading news paper thinking that it might be temporary.
This problem persisted through out the day but. It was nothing strange but after 3 days when I was in a hair saloon I realized that I am not able to visualize even the image of barber in the mirror at 2 feet. Now i was worried and I told this to my mom and dad. Dad guessed it may be conjunctivitis so We decided to give some rest to eyes and as all Indians do , not to take any immediate action or going to doctor. It was 29th march when I was not able to read any single letter of news paper. I told dad we need to go to a doctor.
This was my first encounter with an eye specialist. I was scared. It just revived my old fear that I will not be able to see again clearly or with glasses no girl will marry me.That damn long check up started . They poured some liquid in my eyes and told me that I'll not be able to see clearly through out the day then those scary check up lots of machines and digital images, and finally the doctor told me you have far-sightedness and asked to form glasses with +.25 in the left.
I was happy. Finally I'll be able to see and read again. When the glasses were ready and I wore them still the same problem was there. I asked my sis, she replied the lens takes some time to adjust. But nothing happened. We went to that doctor again . That rude, arrogant old lady started scolding us and told that she is perfect in her profession and she couldn't do any mistake and if u have any query then pay the fees and she will check again.
Dad said that if we have to pay the fees again then we must consult a better doctor. And we reached clinic of the best doctor. Same procedure was there but I was baffled and horrified when he gave me the same number of glasses. I said in shuddering voice "but doc that lady have also given me the same number". Doctor said then I have to analyze you throughly. He also put some liquid in my eyes and told me that I would not be able to see clearly for a day. When I was sitting with eyes closed . I said " dad , future looks completely bleak to me ". Dad replied " Son , I know you don't trust in god but this time for me pray with full faith" . I done the same and was hoping for some thing better. The doctor gave me new number of minus sign in one eye and plus in other :D and said I was trying to focus much and thus was able to read that chart and number was coming wrong. Meanwhile the school had started and now I was a source of attraction with lots of people asking " abe kandil kab laga chashma " , " sale 10 din mein itna padh liya ki battery ho gaya "," oye char aakh wale is baar to tu phodega matlab". I wished to kick on their ass and told them " salo yaha par pahle himeri thuk rahi hai,kuch bhi nahi deekh raha aur tum ko majak sujha raha hai " .
When some one really needs moral support what we often do is to pull his leg and further discourage him . Any how I was struggling to write in copies and to visualize the black board. Meanwhile due to some strange enthusiasm I had again joined my coaching. The timing were 12pm to 7:30 and in my friends words " beth beth kar peechwada suj gaya .. jeans phas gayi . Their used to be around 400 students in a single room and we all used to sit in such an alignment that we can't even itch our own leg. Dhakka mukki was obvious and the fellow which used to sit at the end of the row falls minimum 5 times during lecture . But there was one advantage also of this position. That time we used to throw chalk at each other. I with some of my gang used to come up half hour early , then we stole some chalks and used to throw it on other guys while the lectures were delivered. I had practiced that much that I could hit on the head or butt of a person standing 10 meters away. The fellow sitting at that place might feels safe and the others don't risk to throw there thinking " kabhi ladkiyo ko lag gaya to izzat ka kachra ho jata hai ". Gals can endure any pain while in beauty parlor,those painful threading and waxing ... but even if a light chalk or something else by mistake touched them then wahi ganga jamuna bahna chalu ho jate hai . Some daringbaaj people even take this risk and hit those fellows also. Some times chalk reached the teacher but they always ignored it as they have done the same thing in their childhood.The head of our institute was one of the most dumbest person I have ever met. He may be very knowledgeable but his arrogance has eaten his wisdom. He separated from his brother who took the charge of Indore center while he was left with ujjain with poor faculties. He used to take a 6 hour lecture in which half the time he used to tell us how great he was, one hour he criticized and bully other contemporary coachings , 1 hour while talking on cell, rest 1 hour wo kabhi kabhi kuch padha leta tha " .Meanwhile marpit , chalk mara mari , gossips , abusing sab chalte rahte the . Some artistic students use this time to make obscene figures on benches.
I with my dim lighted eye was some how struggling. When the new glasses were ready I was having the same problem, I was not able to see clearly with them also. Immediately we went their where his assistant said that wait for 8 days and then we will seek for some other measures.
I was exhausted and mentally broken, for the first time in my life I was feeling helpless as I was suffering from such a problem in which none of the measures were working.I was travelling in a dark bleak perpetual tunnel devoid of any hope or enthusiasm. I completely left my studies, started ignoring even the newspapers and other magazines. Even those letters which flashed at the end of news channels were enough to horrify me. I was completely entangled in fear and obsession . Meanwhile my dad organize my YAGYOPAVIT SANSKAR. I will write about it in the next post.Sorry for such a lengthy post it seems i just got carried away .
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Indian Sports .... need some reservation in globe
"पढोगे लिखोगे बनोगे नवाब
खेलोगे कूदोगे बनोगे खराब"
An old quotation in India describing the futile character of sports in comparison to study.All of us grown up by hearing the same thing. If we played more than two hours then at home there was an obvious " DE DANA DAN ". Sports are just visualized as a way of escape from study .Neither the teachers nor the parents ever bothered to scrutinize its positive effects and vital importance in every day life. Whenever watching any foreign television serial I find lots of character in them having sports as their aim .Movies like " high school musical" or "jump in" clearly reflects a much prominent sports culture in foreign .But in India how much children really think like this . For a while this kind of life may sounds very enjoyable and interesting but no one have that much gut to opt it forever.
We can't blame just the parents mentality for such poor sports culture in India .It seems funny how much round and round you go in any problem the ultimate culprit always comes out to be our government and politician .We are bragging for this time 3 olympic medals and not watching how our neighbor have developed its sport culture since its arrival in sports from 1984. We should be ashamed of this and must thank our destiny that each time some how we didn't come empty handed. In 96 Leander Paes did the job , in 00 Karnam malleshwari saved our nose and in 04 Rajyavardhan hit the deck . I haven't even heard about them before their victories . Fortunately I was reading Abhinav's blog before and after his legendary achivement and it was amusing but predictable to see his viewers changing from 3 to lakhs .But the destiny was not that much kind on Bindra and unfortunately India won a match against Sri Lanka on the same day. It was funny watching Bindra sharing half the screen with Indian cricket team in all the news channels. So in India winning one gold medal is same as winning a simple cricket match. But the situation really seems optimistic with the advent of some new talents in other almost extinct sports such as Jitendra , Akhi , Saina , Pankaj ,Yuki,Sushil and many more ....
Sania's story really seems to be a fairy tell and can be just described as...
Sania won
Sania lost after tremendous struggle
Sania lost
Sania failed to qualify
We had expected a lot from this immensely talented girl but she just got trapped in her own glamor . I feel a great fury towards media for not highlighting any of Anand's achievement . This world champ really deserve a lot of respect , cheering and screen but he never gets it.Narayan Kartikeyan has completely disappeared this days.
Few days back I met an old friend of mine who is a gymnastic player. I was immersed in a great joy when I came to know that he is now working as a gymnastic instructor and earning a handsome money. I felt embarrassed that despite being his contemporary I haven't yet started my college studies. As a student he was counted in the most dumb fellows of our class and all the teacher always used to tell him to be like me and study hard. But now all of their's logics failed and he emerged out as the most successful than all of us at present . He is making his family proud and have many achievements in his short life . I wish he represents India some day in future.
If you ask any children playing cricket what you want to become his answer will be surely " SACHIN ".But soon circumstances changes their decision. Still lots of sachin's in present kids are being killed by the ruthless hunger of their parents .Study may provide a non risky and simple solution to earn livelihood. But sports opens a much broader and glamorous life . One may cry that we have no resources but look at all those Bhiwani's boxer they also have nothing but still they are enabling our national anthem to play at all the competitions. Sushil kumar is another example. A feeling of inferiority comes watching the american and Chinese Olympics squad in comparison to our tiny 56 player squd in which lady's were wearing track suit in place of official saris. Watching the performance of Indian football team in qualifying matches I think our players mush be praying to the opponents " bhai tumne itane saare kar liye ab ek aadha hume bhi kar lene do ". Same thing is now applicable on hockey .... no one will believe watching our present performance that once our players used to goal like making runs in cricket . I accuse media utmost because they have the power of heel turn but they remain stick to cricket . Its ridiculous that madan lal is predicting about football matches also ... waah re cricket prem .... Anand or Saina's victory can be seen on a little line flashing in red for seconds .Media suffers from short term memory loss in case of other sportsman's achievements ,but Dhoni's or Yuvraj's sneezes are always highlighted for atleast 2 days . Due to Dhoni's sudden marriage lots of girls have their heart broken but some how they recovered but media seems to be still in trauma . Now they are recovering by asking questions to waiters and watchman of the hotel.
Our government must ask for some reservation for different sports team like our gymnasts, table tennis players , footballers ,even the hockey team , that they should be allow to play via reservation else they are not likely to play any major global event . But as an Indian I have to be optimistic always so till India reachers in FIFA final let us continue cheering brazil, spain or argentina or in tennis federer or nadal ..
खेलोगे कूदोगे बनोगे खराब"
An old quotation in India describing the futile character of sports in comparison to study.All of us grown up by hearing the same thing. If we played more than two hours then at home there was an obvious " DE DANA DAN ". Sports are just visualized as a way of escape from study .Neither the teachers nor the parents ever bothered to scrutinize its positive effects and vital importance in every day life. Whenever watching any foreign television serial I find lots of character in them having sports as their aim .Movies like " high school musical" or "jump in" clearly reflects a much prominent sports culture in foreign .But in India how much children really think like this . For a while this kind of life may sounds very enjoyable and interesting but no one have that much gut to opt it forever.
We can't blame just the parents mentality for such poor sports culture in India .It seems funny how much round and round you go in any problem the ultimate culprit always comes out to be our government and politician .We are bragging for this time 3 olympic medals and not watching how our neighbor have developed its sport culture since its arrival in sports from 1984. We should be ashamed of this and must thank our destiny that each time some how we didn't come empty handed. In 96 Leander Paes did the job , in 00 Karnam malleshwari saved our nose and in 04 Rajyavardhan hit the deck . I haven't even heard about them before their victories . Fortunately I was reading Abhinav's blog before and after his legendary achivement and it was amusing but predictable to see his viewers changing from 3 to lakhs .But the destiny was not that much kind on Bindra and unfortunately India won a match against Sri Lanka on the same day. It was funny watching Bindra sharing half the screen with Indian cricket team in all the news channels. So in India winning one gold medal is same as winning a simple cricket match. But the situation really seems optimistic with the advent of some new talents in other almost extinct sports such as Jitendra , Akhi , Saina , Pankaj ,Yuki,Sushil and many more ....
Sania's story really seems to be a fairy tell and can be just described as...
Sania won
Sania lost after tremendous struggle
Sania lost
Sania failed to qualify
We had expected a lot from this immensely talented girl but she just got trapped in her own glamor . I feel a great fury towards media for not highlighting any of Anand's achievement . This world champ really deserve a lot of respect , cheering and screen but he never gets it.Narayan Kartikeyan has completely disappeared this days.
Few days back I met an old friend of mine who is a gymnastic player. I was immersed in a great joy when I came to know that he is now working as a gymnastic instructor and earning a handsome money. I felt embarrassed that despite being his contemporary I haven't yet started my college studies. As a student he was counted in the most dumb fellows of our class and all the teacher always used to tell him to be like me and study hard. But now all of their's logics failed and he emerged out as the most successful than all of us at present . He is making his family proud and have many achievements in his short life . I wish he represents India some day in future.
If you ask any children playing cricket what you want to become his answer will be surely " SACHIN ".But soon circumstances changes their decision. Still lots of sachin's in present kids are being killed by the ruthless hunger of their parents .Study may provide a non risky and simple solution to earn livelihood. But sports opens a much broader and glamorous life . One may cry that we have no resources but look at all those Bhiwani's boxer they also have nothing but still they are enabling our national anthem to play at all the competitions. Sushil kumar is another example. A feeling of inferiority comes watching the american and Chinese Olympics squad in comparison to our tiny 56 player squd in which lady's were wearing track suit in place of official saris. Watching the performance of Indian football team in qualifying matches I think our players mush be praying to the opponents " bhai tumne itane saare kar liye ab ek aadha hume bhi kar lene do ". Same thing is now applicable on hockey .... no one will believe watching our present performance that once our players used to goal like making runs in cricket . I accuse media utmost because they have the power of heel turn but they remain stick to cricket . Its ridiculous that madan lal is predicting about football matches also ... waah re cricket prem .... Anand or Saina's victory can be seen on a little line flashing in red for seconds .Media suffers from short term memory loss in case of other sportsman's achievements ,but Dhoni's or Yuvraj's sneezes are always highlighted for atleast 2 days . Due to Dhoni's sudden marriage lots of girls have their heart broken but some how they recovered but media seems to be still in trauma . Now they are recovering by asking questions to waiters and watchman of the hotel.
Our government must ask for some reservation for different sports team like our gymnasts, table tennis players , footballers ,even the hockey team , that they should be allow to play via reservation else they are not likely to play any major global event . But as an Indian I have to be optimistic always so till India reachers in FIFA final let us continue cheering brazil, spain or argentina or in tennis federer or nadal ..
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