Struggling to be positive

In those bleak days nothing seemed to be of any optimism. Each time when the thermometer exceeded 99 and I started trembling. Heavy doses of medicines, daily head aches and most of all loneliness. It was very frustrating to stay at a single room when you are ill. No one to share your feelings, no one with whom you can chat. Mom and dad always remained out of house due to their work and meanwhile my room seemed a jail to me in which I was trapped. No soothing breeze, no sound of birds , no more play. Some times I used to sit outside my home but I was very tired and can't manage to sit more than 5 minutes.

Meanwhile the exam stress was blowing my head from inside. In my loneliness, depressing thoughts were haunting me. Thoughts of a bleak future. A future in which I don't have any identity. Each one seemed to be overtaking me and I was helpless crying for help. It was like suddenly my legs were struck by polio while running very fast in a rat race. Even the dumbest student of our class were making fun of me that I got ill in such a crucial point of my life. I was burning in my own fury that these stupid fellows which use to rub their nose in front of me at one point are now making my fun. But this is human nature, when you need help from others most they always deny and bully you .

जो हाथ सफ़लता के दौर में मेरा कधा थपथपाते थे
बुरे दौर मे उनकी परछाई भी पीछे हट गयी
तब मै भीड़ मे अकेला था
आज वो भीड़ भी गुम हो गयी

Some how I was struggling. Even the doctor was baffled. He had tried both the dose of malaria and viral fever but no improvement. He said that even he was unable to understand why this fever is continuing .The typhoid report was also negative. I was just pleading for help from god but god had already decided to punish me. May be he had written this part of my destiny in a very bad mood. I started writing some encouraging poems to keep myself enthusiastic and positive.

मन में व्याप्त अंधेरा सघन
करता भ्रमित हो चला पथ दुर्गम
सुझती न राह कोई
राह लगे न कोई सुगम

आगे बढा जो होकर दिशाहीन
लगे मंजिल दूर, पथ हो चला कठिन
न पा रहा ढुंढ राह सही
चंद राहे लगे भूलभूलैया सी

पथ-भ्रमित राही करें पार डगर
रेगिस्थान में ढुंढे मानों आशा की बूंद
हर भ्रम में हो रहा विचारो का समर
लड़खड़ाया विवेक, थामे पग ली आँगे मूंद

पर छोड़े ना साहस का दामन
जो सींचे सुप्त उत्साह
खिले आशा के फ़ूल , उठा राही मगन
लहलहाया खुशियों का चमन , पुनर्जीवित करे चाह

चला फ़िर वह न थका न रुका
शरीर में हुआ मानों रक्त का नव सचार
उखाड़े कांटे सभी राह के, न अब वह झुका
उर्जित मन, करे हर भ्रम का संहार

बढ चला आगे राही मदहोश मदमस्त
न था अकेला अब साहस आशा हिम्मत विश्वास
सुस्जित सब से करता हर समस्या को पस्त
बढता चला फ़िर, करता मुश्किलो का परिहास

पाकर मंजिल, था न अब वो
जो था पहले, न बदला था कुछ अब
जो था पहले, बदला था बस वो
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका

My fever was improving but some minute ribs pain was giving me problems from past few months. I was reluctant to go for a check up as a normal Indian but when I told this about doctor, in first check up nothing came out but when the problem still persisted we went for a x-ray. And the result was pleural effusion. I hadn't read this term before so I googled it on net and found something flabbergasting. The first cause was lung cancer. It was just like troubles from all around. I was transfixed but after this temporary shock I came back to my conscience soon and realized the problem can't be that much serious. I immediately consulted the doctor for the query and he told nothing serious but you have to take medicines for 6 to 8 months. Now that was a huge time and I was hardly disappointed because of this.

At that time only my bitsat paper and state PET test was left and I was nil prepared for this so I decided to take a drop and with out any further thought I applied for BANSAL institute an epitome of IIT JEE Preparation in kota city. Later this decision proved to me one of my biggest mistake but I was well assured that time to blast the JEE paper next year. My jee result was quite astonishing as I managed to get in the EML(extended merit list). Now this was very interesting incident of my life as till last year only 1500 ppls were in it and the expected marks for this was around 165+ and my calculated marks were around 50. So at first I thought either there is a mistake in result or their is mistake in checking and some how destiny has favored me to save a year of mine but soon the joy disappeared as I come to know that around 60k students were in EML.

Any ways it boosted my confidence as many of the students which were preparing hard from 2 years didn't even managed to get in EML and I was in it without any solid preparation. I suffered from severe loose motions for a week and failed to give my local PET and boarded for kota after 2 days with a revival of my hopes and dreams. I was back to a very over confident and procrastination state with just rough planning ,nothing concrete.