10:37 PM, the
clock showed in my mobile. 10:40 PM, the station clock was showing, 10:43 PM
was the time of the train as per the mobile app. The train that takes my
soulless body daily back into my room. Though none of this mattered today, I
could catch any train today and reach my destination. I was not worried about a
single thing. Not thinking about reaching home on time, ordering food, sleeping
on time to get up early in the morning to reach office. It was a new kind of
freedom I was experiencing, something that empowered me, something that was
making me feel, I and only I, was the true master of my destiny.
A train
came, halted for a while, giving me enough time to jump in the 1st
class coach. I travel only by 2nd class due to my limited means, but
tonight was different, I had no fear of getting caught by a TC. Tonight, I
allowed myself to break all rules. A casual glance into the coach showed me 7
people. A couple who was separated only because of their limited conscious of
being in public place, the limited distance also they were struggling to
maintain. An old man who was in deep introspection mode with his thick glasses,
his expression pretty much reflected that he has no shit left to give to
anyone. 2 young man wearing extremely dirty clothes with frightened and
uncomfortable looks, pretty much they were travelling with ticket and they were
not habitual of doing it. A man in mid 40s who was sleeping with his mouth
open. A young beautiful woman with the condescending look of being extremely self-aware
and out of place.
Then I saw
him, the young chap, tall and well built, the curves of the muscles proudly
flaunting his routine gym work. The expensive mobile together with the
expensive headphone showing off his disconnect with the reality. He was in a
different world, a happy world, a place where there is no worry and pain, no
anxiety and grief, no stress and negativity. His feet were in sync with the beats
of music, his neck was waving cheerfully and he was singing slowly. He made me
hate the world more, his happiness spread an awful sense of negativity in my
whole body. He appeared to be one of those privileged kid in life who always
gets what they want without going through any pain.
But of
course, it doesn’t matter. He can sing all he wants to, I was not bothered for
all I knew that soon I won’t have to worry about anything. I ignored him, his existence
and existence of everyone around me and went into a deep flashback of my whole
life. I took a deep breath thinking about all the practical decisions I made
which made me go nowhere, my misery never ended despite following the well-structured
secure path laid down by society and the fact that I religiously followed it to
be happy and went into deep spiral of sorrow made my decision more firm. I will
put an end to my misery today.
At the next station,
both the young men left happily with the joy of not being caught while the
woman left without a single expression on her face. I reached the gate of the
train, the cool breeze was not giving me any peace today, I was not reflecting
on my day and I was not contemplating hope of a better future. I was truly
living in the present today, I was meditating. I was meditating on the thought
of the decision I was about to execute. The train was going over the sea now.
Deep dark water everywhere and at a distant the shining city. The city of
dreams where everyone come to be successful but most are limited to be a
faceless entity in the crowd.
The young
chap also reached the gate near me. He was still dancing and singing on the
tunes. His long curly hairs were dancing on the joy of life. He was experiencing
the peace in the cool breeze. He was carefree, he was in a state of bliss. I
felt an intense anger, muscles of my neck were flinching. My fingers
automatically crawled to make a fist. What could be the possible reason of his
happiness? What made his life so wonderful? He looked at me for a moment and
passed a smile, I didn’t even made a halfhearted attempt to give it back. He
didn’t mind it either, he turned his face towards the sea enjoying the sight
again.
I looked
back in the coach, the sleeping person was still sleeping and the old man had
his eyes closed, perhaps he also slept. Till this chap is here I can’t execute
my plan. I can’t end my misery. His existence at the door along with me became
one more source of pain for me. Then suddenly a thought occurred into my mind,
something that had not even occurred remotely once in my entire life. He has
not right to be this happy, no one has the right to be happy if I am not. In a
flash of second, I changed my plan. I had second thoughts on the 1st
one, but for this 2nd one, I had no thoughts. I had nothing to lose
anymore anyway.
With a very
slow and swift movement, I came directly behind him. I was aware that the 2
other man in the coach won’t know a thing. I gathered all my energy into my
hands and I pushed him. He didn’t have the time to scream. I was not aware
whether he can swim or not, whether a person falling into water from 20 feet
survive or not. I was not bothered, I felt really happy. I hoped for his death,
at least he will suffocate for few minutes. I was not bothered about the consequences of
what I just did, I sat peacefully on the seat waiting for another such ride or
perhaps one of these sleeping man will come on the door and I may push them on
the track in front of another train.
