The Lone Diary Entry......... !!

Dear Mayank,

When I came to know that I am the sole writer in your diary I felt it’s a kind of big responsibility and it’s my moral obligation to be as much honest and transparent as I could be. Both of us have filled lots of diaries in past few days, diaries of people we know very well, diaries of people we are familiar with and diaries of people who we haven’t noticed in past 4 years. We tend to be very sweet when we fill a diary; we write only the good stuff in fact we exaggerate the good stuff. We write all the sweet memories and all the stuff that would make the diary owner feel very good when he will read it later. Even if we want to be completely honest and say bad things, we won’t. Obviously, it’s the end; we don’t want to create any controversy in the end or to make someone unhappy. So, at times, it’s more like faking stuff.

Obviously, both you and me, we are not against this whole diary writing stuff. It’s a very good thing; in fact it’s something that will make anyone feel very nice about himself and capturing some of the best moments and feedback together. So initially I know you were quite tempted about this diary making stuff and later you realized that though it will give you temporary happiness it is not something that you want right now. In fact lots of people asked you to them your diary so that they can fill it up. You can easily guess all the good and nice things people would write in your diary, which, as a matter of fact, you are getting a lot these days.

 All those people who have judged you behind your back, have thought only ill about you in past 4 years and even propagated it almost everywhere, people who hated you for no reason and people who intensely disliked you for some reasons whether valid or invalid, everyone will write only good stuff about you. No one will dare to say even a single bad thing and obviously it’s not plausible or reasonable to write something bad in someone’s diary so all in all you won’t have the honest feedback you require and it will create an illusion that everybody loved you throughout the college life and you were a nice guy.

Enough context making now, I would begin my feedback and I hope you won’t mind if I am harsh or rude because it’s the need of the hour. First, I would like you to retrospect where you wanted to be at the end of your college life and are you standing there right now? Is it the life you dreamt of? Have you achieved all you wanted to achieve in college life? I would like you to retrospect and introspect how much you have changed and whether all the changes are good? See, when the college started you were this guy who thought of adding values into your life instead of running behind grades, jobs and secure future. Have you added all those values into your life and if not then why? You were the guy who was always anti system and believed in the absolute definition of excellence and potential and always thought that no system can truly judge an individual’s potential. Only we can determine our own potential, our worth and what we can accomplish in this life. Then I wonder why in the latter half of your college life you were running behind certificates of approval from the system.

You wasted lots of time in chasing hallucinations and then further wasted lots of time in regret that you had wasted lots of time. You were dormant most of the time and keep on escaping by saying let it past and I will start afresh next time. You started defining yourself by people’s definition and in process you lost the single most crucial entity which used to define you, your faith in yourself. Never ever in your life you have gone through successive phases where you doubted yourself again and again and keep on looking towards people and the system to approve of you instead of regenerating the confidence by yourself. You started believing in bad luck, you left yourself on the mercy of destiny and you forgot the concept of “bigger success after smaller failure”. For a while, you labeled yourself as a loser who would never rise again and fight back for his pride and honor. You surrendered to fate, deeply wounded by the cruel claws of destiny, looking for sympathy and support from people for temporary relief and self satisfaction. You enjoyed being weak for a while, which I would say was necessary for that time, but still you should have been mentally prepared for almost everything that would come into your way but you weren’t.

Looking for a safe, secure, risk free, world approved future was not something you had in your mind when you started college but as it happens, you panicked, you were smothered and finally you quit. The ‘being different’ philosophy was slowly taken over by ‘being better’ philosophy and hence all the insecurities, worries, tension and eventually degradation of a beautiful mind. As one of your friend has aptly quoted “ Earlier you reflected intelligence but now it looks like you are putting effort to appear intelligent, you have lost that sheen in yourself”. How true are these words, when you didn’t care, you appear intelligent but for most of the time in college you were so concerned about appearing intelligent, you were making futile and worthless efforts to be in the league of intelligent which is more or less a false security.

Anyway, enough criticism, though you indeed lost your care free attitude, you started thinking about what people will think which earlier you never gave a damn about, still, as a person you have done remarkable progress. You don’t harm people now as you used to do earlier, you can understand and relate with everyone’s struggle, and you now know what to say and when to say and where to draw a boundary. You started respecting people’s individuality, limitations and perspectives which earlier you used to discard very brutally. In short, you stopped being a jerk which earlier you were so proud of being one.

You started forgiving people which you never did. You started listening to and understanding and then giving context wise suggestion instead of imposing your perspective. You started respecting the differences and accepting the flaws and you also learned about your own flaws. But I think, the most important lesson was that, wherever you go, there would be some people who will always hate you. You can’t be loved or accepted by all. People will hate for multiple reasons or at times solely because other people hate you and they just want to follow the trend. There is no such thing as universal acceptance, even if you don’t care about anyone and has zilch interest in someone’s life then also people would like to interfere and gossip about your life. To go unnoticed, you have to be harmless and by being harmless means you have to stop excelling and act like a dump average person who is no threat to anyone’s ambitions. If you can accept and adapt such life then you won’t be hated else prepare yourself for newer challenges, intense dislike and stark criticism by almost every irrelevant person.

There are no plausible reasons to hate. Hatred is something that doesn’t require any logic. People can even hate you if you are not hated. They will hate you for your facebook statuses. They will hate you for your leg pulling. They will hate you for talking to other people. They will hate you if some people love you. They will hate you if you try to appear different, confident and carefree. They will even hate you for posting this post as to them instead of a philosophical introspect it’s an act of flamboyancy. It’s an act to impress other and it’s an act to show your superiority even if your sole intention to write such a post is to write something for yourself. So, in short, accept being hated because that is something you can’t stop. As Pheobe convinces Chandler in 1^st season that since he is the boss now he can’t be friends with other people and he should accept this. In the same way, accept being disliked, hated and boycotted and I think you have got yourself a nice exposure of all this in college life.On the other side, you got immense appreciation, acknowledgement and respect from many people. There were people who stood for you in every situation and keep on reminding you about yourself. You should be grateful to all those people who have given you a special place in their heart.

Though, you could have cleared the fog by communicating and making your stand known. It’s good to put your ego aside at times and bow down if it’s for greater good. Any misunderstanding can be cleared by proper and polite communication and that is something you should have done quite often instead of being stubborn about your silence. Anyway, doesn’t matter, what has happened has happened. No one can change it and in fact it was a nice thing going through all kind of experience. Being loved and being hated, being respected and being insulted, being recognized and being ignored, getting success and getting failed, falling and rising, helping and being helped, it was a wonderful journey filled with almost all kind of experience, something that was needed to transform you into the kind of person you are.

From an arrogant, egoist, over optimistic, over enthusiastic, carefree child you have been transformed into a practical, realistic, balanced, hopeful youth and I hope you will continue on the right track. I don’t have any wishes but only advises for your future. The most crucial phase of your life is going to begin, do not and under any circumstances bow down and surrender to situations. Buckle up, brace yourself and set your mind to defend your identity because the world you are entering is well known to either make you so much comfortable or so much uncomfortable that you lose yourself. You become a representative of the physical world and you led a life which everyone is living. A mirage of security, trapped into a cage of crystal which is as beautiful as it is fragile. Don’t settle for temporary relief, keep up the inner fire burning and chose the path that is not only different but hard, harsh, rough, painful because it’s not just a philosophy, when you choose the road less travelled by, you can hear yourself much better instead of the commotion created by the crown on the road more travelled by. I hope " acche din aane wale hai " !!

Regards,

Mayank Sharma

CSC Rejection and beyond.....

Well, for those who have seen me in the past weeks I would like to clear that I am not here to cry on my failure as some people think I am doing it a lot these days. I don't want to write how unfortunate circumstances were for me that day or what could possible have happened correctly to get me a position as a project trainee in CSC. I don't want to blame god or fate or even myself. I just want to bookmark this event as I am sure its a starting point of something big. I just want to bookmark it so that when I will look back after many years I will know that once in life I was completely faithless, my confidence was shook, I was broken completely yet I somehow struggled and continued to fight and I hope there will be one day when I will reach a good position and I will feel good about this failure too as it taught me a lot. It's more like a public diary entry and I would always like to keep it in front of me.

I was not expecting to clear the written test so I have no feelings associated with being a CSC project trainee or anything like that. I was perfectly happy with my life and the way I had planned it. So getting selected in written was an unexpected event as lot of questions were out of syllabus and I used common sense in most of the questions to tick the right answer. So the chain of unfortunate events started between the period of getting selected for the interview and in between the interview. Interview was something I always considered as my forte. I always thought that I am one of the best person in expressing myself very clearly and I have a very decent communication skills and attitude which will definitely give me an edge over others. Besides I am a person who is always full of confidence and have full faith on himself no matter what happens. I keep myself away from expectations and too much attachment for anything. It keeps me emotionally safe and strong though at times it gives an impression of being heartless.

Anyway between 2 hours from result to interview, suddenly I developed a lot of attachment for this post. I planned many things according to it in my life. I was so hopefully not even  even for a second I  thought that I won't clear the interview. I was not at all nervous, I was even not thinking about what I will be going to say in side the interview, I was so confident that I will say something brilliant and they would be impressed and they would take me easily. But as it happens, the old hindi quote ' khushiyo ko apni hi najar lag jana', I used to utter that once I clear the written, interview won't be a big deal for me, I would definitely clear it with flying colors. So guess God was in full mood to prove me wrong and to kick me to make me realize that I am getting overconfident again.

Interview started very well, they asked me about what kind of person I am and what are my weaknesses, I answered well.Interviewers seemed impressed but then suddenly they said that I am giving very perfect and nice answers, and perfect is always bookish, and it seems to them that I already came up with a mindset of giving those answers. Now I don't know how come they got this idea but a thing started so positively suddenly became slightly negative. I didn't know what to answer for that argument and I said that I was just describing what I am. Anyway I recovered well in answering the technical questions and I was back on track again.I was answering everything correctly and with full confidence and I was getting really comfortable with the whole situation now. So as it happen with me always, the beginning of something bad when everything is going so good unexpectedly. They asked the same question of what you think about your life 5 years after, and I told them the same old answer, to be a good programmer and employee and worker and blah blah. They asked me to elaborate it ( which they didn't ask anyone else to do), I told the same ;using my potential in company's interest ramayana again, they asked me to elaborate it further, and bang as Saravasthi made kumbhakarna to say 'nindrasan' in place of 'indrasan', I said given a chance a project leader.

Now it suddenly wake up the third interviewer which was so far not so much interested in taking interview and who hasn't asked anything much to any other candidate. He started banging tons of question to me and I was replying everything calmly which was definitely impressing the other 2 interviewers but he was not satisfied. He asked me an out of syllabus question again and I told him that sir i haven't heard that term before as it was not in our syllabus, he thought that I was lying and faking confidence and guess this might be the reason of my doom and again I don't know how come he came to that idea.Anyway  I somehow responded good to the rest of the questions and I was sure that I did the best that I can do in those circumstances. I consulted some people and they said it was a stress interview and I performed well, they were just checking my confidence as I was replying the questions very well so I was somewhat assured about my selection.

Anyway 4 days were hell, and when the result came it was much more than hell. I could have danced in hell rather than facing those days after result. Many cleared, and I was not in the list. I could literally feel now the filmy scenes when someone kicks the wall, punches something hard, break things and cry loudly. The world was falling, I lost my faith in myself, I lost every piece of confidence that accumulated in me for 20 years. I lost faith in god being helpful to me always, I doubted on every good thing in my life. It was like suddenly everything changed polarity, me who was 99.9% positive was now 101% negative. The whole interview thing seemed to be a very well planned conspiracy by god to make my life bleak and devoid of any hope.

It took me only a few minutes to get over IIT, it took me only a few hours to get over personal setbacks ( which I guess most of boys had definitely suffered during college days) but for the first time in my life I failed to motivate myself. I failed to recollect myself, I failed to rise again and start running. I failed even to save me from collapsing. Generally I use to concept of 'bigger success' very well to get someone motivated but for the first time I just feel that there are only bigger failures in life. There is nothing such as ' jo hota hai acche ke liye hi hota hai' or ' aage kuch accha definitely hoga'. I felt like it was the last chance in the world to prove myself and I was comprehensively beaten.

Ironically whatever I had written in the essay of written test became true in my own interview. I had written that no matter how brilliant or hardworking you are, if you are not lucky you would definitely fail. I had written that at times a deserving person is wrongly judged and misinterpreted by a wrong person or system, I had written that at times a person may be rejected in an interview as the interviewer may fail to analyze him properly. So it seems like I was writing my own future there which I find very amusing now.

Anyway with one bad thing came many good things in my life. I was supported very well by my family first then friends then seniors. I was revived by my friends making me to realize what I am and I should not loose myself. I am thankful to many people who were a great support to me at that time and who brought me back somehow. I got support from most unexpected people and suddenly the whole world seemed to comfort me and trying to heal me. Also coincidentally, I got more than expected marks in this semester which usually never happens with me. God comforted me with a small band-aid after injuring me greatly as he always did throughout my life. It seems like I was sent through a NOT gate, everything I ever wished and never happened was happening but I can't be happy about it as everything I thought will never happen has happened.

Anyway, almost a week has passed now. I am not fully recovered yet. I am sure I will be alright soon. I often feel like something has snapped, something is missing now, a part of me is killed now. But I won't change my attitude, I would not bow down to the accepted standard of the world, I would continue acting the way I am and I hope one day the world will accept me as I am. I won't fake anything or pretend anything just to be on the safe side. I would be a rebel no matter how much failure it will cost me. I will be the same; honest, direct, optimistic and full of energy. I am finishing this post with a hope that one day surely everything on which my life was based on will come true, the hope, the optimism, the concept of a bigger success, the concept of learning from your mistakes and whatever happened happened for a good reason. The idea of god taking exam and eventually paying you the deserving reward. The idea of having extraordinary failure before extraordinary success. I won't give up and I hope this is the last time I am crying on something, this is the last time I am disappointed over something so people let me cry, let me be sad, let me be dejected and hopeless cause this is the last time you are seeing me like this.

Getting Back On D Trackkkk .....!!!!!!!

So, it's been long !! I haven't written anything for a long time. It's interesting that a hobby which used to be my passion and to a large extent my identity at a point of life is suddenly abandoned by me without any reason. I have been inactive not just in writing but also in my life. Life has gone stagnant these days, nothing is happening. Past couple months were neither very constructive nor very disastrous. It's queer i have the peek of both the constructive and disastrous time at the same point and now both have gone, nothing is happening at all.

So after few or better say after a lot of troubles and uncertainties I am finally back on track. Life is getting momentum again, it is pretty much like what it used to be in the early days of JEE preparation, but it's CAT now and in the span that elapsed between I can feel the difference what Sachin was indicating, the difference between a 19 year old and a 39 year old. Same difference I feel between my JEE preparation and CAT preparation ( which isn't started yet for the record ).

The JEE days were more like living in a dream world, when you just have hope and optimism, the only fear that u have is induced by the lame lectures by coaching faculties and when you hear about failures of other, rest u just imagine yourself in limelight clearing the exam with flying colors and on the seventh cloud. The preparation that time is also fluctuating, some day you will study a lot, some other day you will struggle to remain positive. There is a healthy competition and you use to take help from fellow competitors a lot. It's pretty much like being a rookie, a newbie , a new fish in the tank when you have no experience just enthusiasm and energy and there is nothing to make you go dull or bleak as you haven't face anything that will make you doubt your own abilities.

The CAT days are pretty much like a 39 year old Sachin, trying to prove that he still has the same potential enhanced with the experience now. But I personally feel that experience demotivates a lot than it helps. You start doubting on your own abilities as you have failed previously. Every new endeavor always begins with the thought that what if I failed. You become more practical and calculative in your life. You tend to decrease the entropy and follow a regular pattern. So life is all monotonous and inactive, you just keep on flowing with the flow. Your fellow competitors are more interested in what you are doing and how much you are preparing rather than your own preparation. Plus there are thousand other ways, with every way looking more lucrative and correct if you haven't chosen it.

Now the big question, what I am doing with my life ?? Seriously speaking, at this point of life; I have no idea what I am doing and what  I should do. It's pretty much like living a lucid dream with the hope that one day you will wake and everything will be alright and moving in a proper and fix direction. I have second thoughts in almost everything of my life. At times I am too optimistic, at times I am devoid of any hope; At times I am full of energy, at times I have no zeal left; At times I am hopeful for something better and positive, at times I doubt everything in life; At times I have full faith on myself, at times I start doubting on my capabilities.

Let's see what turn life will take from here. I am hopeful and curious as I am no where near to the life what I thought I would have when I would be 20 yet I have no complain and only  few regrets. The past few failures and experiences have made me mature enough so that I know what to expect and how much to expect and in social cases from whom to expect. I will try to be more regular and consistent in blogging and writing as it used to give me immense relief once. But after continuous criticism by others, I started doubting on my writing skills, I went to the mode of perfection when you think that once I have learned grammar and vocab enough I will start writing, but I think that time never comes, so I have stop thinking about getting to a perfect mode and then start writing. Perhaps if I had waited for the perfect mode back in 2010, I would never have a blog with 50+ posts. So for those who want to read my views and exchange theirs, they are most welcome. Those who want everything perfect and flawless, WHO CARES, it's not your place !!!!
Will catch you all later hopefully !!