In those bleak days nothing seemed to be of any optimism. Each time when the thermometer exceeded 99 and I started trembling. Heavy doses of medicines, daily head aches and most of all loneliness. It was very frustrating to stay at a single room when you are ill. No one to share your feelings, no one with whom you can chat. Mom and dad always remained out of house due to their work and meanwhile my room seemed a jail to me in which I was trapped. No soothing breeze, no sound of birds , no more play. Some times I used to sit outside my home but I was very tired and can't manage to sit more than 5 minutes.
Meanwhile the exam stress was blowing my head from inside. In my loneliness, depressing thoughts were haunting me. Thoughts of a bleak future. A future in which I don't have any identity. Each one seemed to be overtaking me and I was helpless crying for help. It was like suddenly my legs were struck by polio while running very fast in a rat race. Even the dumbest student of our class were making fun of me that I got ill in such a crucial point of my life. I was burning in my own fury that these stupid fellows which use to rub their nose in front of me at one point are now making my fun. But this is human nature, when you need help from others most they always deny and bully you .
जो हाथ सफ़लता के दौर में मेरा कधा थपथपाते थे
बुरे दौर मे उनकी परछाई भी पीछे हट गयी
तब मै भीड़ मे अकेला था
आज वो भीड़ भी गुम हो गयी
Some how I was struggling. Even the doctor was baffled. He had tried both the dose of malaria and viral fever but no improvement. He said that even he was unable to understand why this fever is continuing .The typhoid report was also negative. I was just pleading for help from god but god had already decided to punish me. May be he had written this part of my destiny in a very bad mood. I started writing some encouraging poems to keep myself enthusiastic and positive.
मन में व्याप्त अंधेरा सघन
करता भ्रमित हो चला पथ दुर्गम
सुझती न राह कोई
राह लगे न कोई सुगम
आगे बढा जो होकर दिशाहीन
लगे मंजिल दूर, पथ हो चला कठिन
न पा रहा ढुंढ राह सही
चंद राहे लगे भूलभूलैया सी
पथ-भ्रमित राही करें पार डगर
रेगिस्थान में ढुंढे मानों आशा की बूंद
हर भ्रम में हो रहा विचारो का समर
लड़खड़ाया विवेक, थामे पग ली आँगे मूंद
पर छोड़े ना साहस का दामन
जो सींचे सुप्त उत्साह
खिले आशा के फ़ूल , उठा राही मगन
लहलहाया खुशियों का चमन , पुनर्जीवित करे चाह
चला फ़िर वह न थका न रुका
शरीर में हुआ मानों रक्त का नव सचार
उखाड़े कांटे सभी राह के, न अब वह झुका
उर्जित मन, करे हर भ्रम का संहार
बढ चला आगे राही मदहोश मदमस्त
न था अकेला अब साहस आशा हिम्मत विश्वास
सुस्जित सब से करता हर समस्या को पस्त
बढता चला फ़िर, करता मुश्किलो का परिहास
पाकर मंजिल, था न अब वो
जो था पहले, न बदला था कुछ अब
जो था पहले, बदला था बस वो
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
क्युंकि बदला थ नजरिया उसका
My fever was improving but some minute ribs pain was giving me problems from past few months. I was reluctant to go for a check up as a normal Indian but when I told this about doctor, in first check up nothing came out but when the problem still persisted we went for a x-ray. And the result was pleural effusion. I hadn't read this term before so I googled it on net and found something flabbergasting. The first cause was lung cancer. It was just like troubles from all around. I was transfixed but after this temporary shock I came back to my conscience soon and realized the problem can't be that much serious. I immediately consulted the doctor for the query and he told nothing serious but you have to take medicines for 6 to 8 months. Now that was a huge time and I was hardly disappointed because of this.
At that time only my bitsat paper and state PET test was left and I was nil prepared for this so I decided to take a drop and with out any further thought I applied for BANSAL institute an epitome of IIT JEE Preparation in kota city. Later this decision proved to me one of my biggest mistake but I was well assured that time to blast the JEE paper next year. My jee result was quite astonishing as I managed to get in the EML(extended merit list). Now this was very interesting incident of my life as till last year only 1500 ppls were in it and the expected marks for this was around 165+ and my calculated marks were around 50. So at first I thought either there is a mistake in result or their is mistake in checking and some how destiny has favored me to save a year of mine but soon the joy disappeared as I come to know that around 60k students were in EML.
Any ways it boosted my confidence as many of the students which were preparing hard from 2 years didn't even managed to get in EML and I was in it without any solid preparation. I suffered from severe loose motions for a week and failed to give my local PET and boarded for kota after 2 days with a revival of my hopes and dreams. I was back to a very over confident and procrastination state with just rough planning ,nothing concrete.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
the judgement day...
Finally the most awaited day of my life arrived. The IIT JEE paper, the day which was hovering my life from the past 2 years. It was here, and I hadn't studied anything from the past 14 days. No preparation at all. Almost 95% syllabus I hadn't any idea about it. I was very reluctant to give the paper as I was very weak that time and could hardly sit at a single place for 6 hours.
But dad encouraged me and I decided to give it a try. Early in the morning I had taken lots of tablets and energy supplement. When I reached there my prediction became right. Lots of nervous and anxious student roaming here and there. Their parents were looking more worried. All of my friends were there and we cherished some past thoughts that proved very helpful in that stage. I was panting and sweating a lot due to those high dose tablets. Finally I entered the room. Pin drop silence was there. All the students were gazing each other like we all were the innocents lambs and soon a butcher will gonna thrash us into pieces.
At 9am, I opened the worlds toughest question paper. But I was baffled when I see that all the question there looked quite familiar. What I had thought that I'll not be able to grasp even a single question and this paper looked of very average level. Lots of questions were based on NCERT level and I was able to attempt a few. Slowly my temperature was rising and I was getting weak. I was having some vision difficulties now and a strange darkness was surrounding me every second. For a change I decided to have a look at the surrounding. All the students there look very baffled and surprised. Some were gazing walls, while some other one were chewing their pencils. A few were trying their level best to understand the questions. Few were taking a light nap and some other were making sketches on bench.
I done more then expected in my first paper. As i had already mentally disqualified I had nothing to loose. After the first paper my temperature had increased to 104 and I was feeling very exhaust. I took the second dose of medicines but at the same time a severe attack of migraine hit me. My butt was paining a lot due to that old and damaged wooden desk. I was struggling a lot to have a mental patience. I was getting dizzy and having difficulty to breadth. I kept my head down and forgot about the paper. Finally the bell rang and we were free. All students were describing others about their experience and abusing the paper. Lots of slang and jokes all around. But I was sad. I had dreamed a lot about this day that how confident and happy I'll come out. I'll enjoy the life after this but now this remained a dream only.
My health continue to go down and just before the AIEEE paper 2 weeks after JEE paper it became the worst. Although I was out of tough from more then 1 month but still there was a faint chance of doing average in AIEEE paper and grab something to save a year. I decided to visit a barber's shop to have a hair cut and shave but when I was returning bleeding started from my nose. My dad was worried and he decided I should not give AIEEE exam as it was in other city and I was not in a state to travel. I never felt that much helplessness in my entire life. I was depressed and all the things seemed dark and bleak. No hope , no energy nothing. I waited for this time through out my life and now it was passing and I was not able to do anything . Neither can I prepare nor I can give the exam . The only thing I had to do was to keep patience and wait and I was doing that only.
But dad encouraged me and I decided to give it a try. Early in the morning I had taken lots of tablets and energy supplement. When I reached there my prediction became right. Lots of nervous and anxious student roaming here and there. Their parents were looking more worried. All of my friends were there and we cherished some past thoughts that proved very helpful in that stage. I was panting and sweating a lot due to those high dose tablets. Finally I entered the room. Pin drop silence was there. All the students were gazing each other like we all were the innocents lambs and soon a butcher will gonna thrash us into pieces.
At 9am, I opened the worlds toughest question paper. But I was baffled when I see that all the question there looked quite familiar. What I had thought that I'll not be able to grasp even a single question and this paper looked of very average level. Lots of questions were based on NCERT level and I was able to attempt a few. Slowly my temperature was rising and I was getting weak. I was having some vision difficulties now and a strange darkness was surrounding me every second. For a change I decided to have a look at the surrounding. All the students there look very baffled and surprised. Some were gazing walls, while some other one were chewing their pencils. A few were trying their level best to understand the questions. Few were taking a light nap and some other were making sketches on bench.
I done more then expected in my first paper. As i had already mentally disqualified I had nothing to loose. After the first paper my temperature had increased to 104 and I was feeling very exhaust. I took the second dose of medicines but at the same time a severe attack of migraine hit me. My butt was paining a lot due to that old and damaged wooden desk. I was struggling a lot to have a mental patience. I was getting dizzy and having difficulty to breadth. I kept my head down and forgot about the paper. Finally the bell rang and we were free. All students were describing others about their experience and abusing the paper. Lots of slang and jokes all around. But I was sad. I had dreamed a lot about this day that how confident and happy I'll come out. I'll enjoy the life after this but now this remained a dream only.
My health continue to go down and just before the AIEEE paper 2 weeks after JEE paper it became the worst. Although I was out of tough from more then 1 month but still there was a faint chance of doing average in AIEEE paper and grab something to save a year. I decided to visit a barber's shop to have a hair cut and shave but when I was returning bleeding started from my nose. My dad was worried and he decided I should not give AIEEE exam as it was in other city and I was not in a state to travel. I never felt that much helplessness in my entire life. I was depressed and all the things seemed dark and bleak. No hope , no energy nothing. I waited for this time through out my life and now it was passing and I was not able to do anything . Neither can I prepare nor I can give the exam . The only thing I had to do was to keep patience and wait and I was doing that only.
End of my School......
School always seemed awful to me since my childhood. I never wished to go there and gave all kinds of excuses to escape from it. But all of them were always in vain and I was forced to go to school. That time I always wished that some day I will get rid of this pathetic place. Long boring lectures, disgusting teachers which do not want to here anything from you, long sitting for hours which starts pain in butt. And my wish was finally granted.
With the arrival of new year, I made lots of resolution and even succeeded in following some of them. But with the start of pre board all my preparations and plans were scattered. At the time of pre board I realized that I'm not even 10% prepared and if continue with it I'll surely fail in board exams. After lots of mugging at the day before exam I managed to pass in all the subjects with boundary. The funny thing was that I didn't solve completely any of the question in maths. Due to partial marks just managed to get 36 marks but who cares if the highest was 44 . The completion of practical files and projects put a brake on our competitive preparation and after the exams I had only 18 days left.
As usual I wasted first few days in making plans but nothing serious. From 18th feb I realized that I have a long way to go. I hadn't yet touched 40% of chemistry, 60% of physics and 70% of maths. I was familiar with this condition because back in 10th standard I was in similar stage but still managed to get 88%. So I started preparing now at a serious level. After finishing maths syllabus once only 4 days were left for chemistry and I had to revise 9 chapters and 7 chapters I hadn't even seen their titles. As kabir had already mentioned to do our work of tomorrow at the present day due to fear of something disastrous. Same happened with me when my dad got seriously ill before my chemistry paper and he was admitted. I was panic and unstable but still continued to prepare and managed to do average in the paper.
Similarly all other papers went. There was a huge gap between English and maths paper and I wasted early days but managed to revise the complete syllabus. In each paper I was feared of completely screwing it due to very low confidence level but managed to do well due to very high over confidence level. But in maths paper the thing which I was scared from my childhood happened. I always finished my paper very early. In fact, in some papers I not even took half of the time allotted. I was stuck in a question and I attempted it 4 times until I completely solved it. It consumed a lot of time and I just got panic in the end screwing some crucial questions. This marks the beginning of a new era of mine. Paperfobia, in which in spite of knowing all the things I made lots of mistake and destroyed some golden chances.
I didn't studied anything for the computer paper and this was the best paper I had given, I was expecting 90+ in both computer and English and rest I left to god. At first not even 75% was being calculated in PCM. I was worried because it could disqualify me from some of the exams. I was very happy after my computer paper as no more school now. But my happiness turned into a great sorrow because just 2 hours after my computer paper I got ill. Now this was very disappointing but I thought it was temporary. Same as last year It ceased my beginning of competitive preparation. After some home treatment I was well after 5 days so I started preparing . As now with out any tension I managed to study for 15+ hours until I got ill again after 3 day. I was very much frustrated and annoyed but destiny and god were not willing to grant my wishes. I was not able to read my books and revision was completely ceased. Soon 12th April arrived the judgment day.
With the arrival of new year, I made lots of resolution and even succeeded in following some of them. But with the start of pre board all my preparations and plans were scattered. At the time of pre board I realized that I'm not even 10% prepared and if continue with it I'll surely fail in board exams. After lots of mugging at the day before exam I managed to pass in all the subjects with boundary. The funny thing was that I didn't solve completely any of the question in maths. Due to partial marks just managed to get 36 marks but who cares if the highest was 44 . The completion of practical files and projects put a brake on our competitive preparation and after the exams I had only 18 days left.
As usual I wasted first few days in making plans but nothing serious. From 18th feb I realized that I have a long way to go. I hadn't yet touched 40% of chemistry, 60% of physics and 70% of maths. I was familiar with this condition because back in 10th standard I was in similar stage but still managed to get 88%. So I started preparing now at a serious level. After finishing maths syllabus once only 4 days were left for chemistry and I had to revise 9 chapters and 7 chapters I hadn't even seen their titles. As kabir had already mentioned to do our work of tomorrow at the present day due to fear of something disastrous. Same happened with me when my dad got seriously ill before my chemistry paper and he was admitted. I was panic and unstable but still continued to prepare and managed to do average in the paper.
Similarly all other papers went. There was a huge gap between English and maths paper and I wasted early days but managed to revise the complete syllabus. In each paper I was feared of completely screwing it due to very low confidence level but managed to do well due to very high over confidence level. But in maths paper the thing which I was scared from my childhood happened. I always finished my paper very early. In fact, in some papers I not even took half of the time allotted. I was stuck in a question and I attempted it 4 times until I completely solved it. It consumed a lot of time and I just got panic in the end screwing some crucial questions. This marks the beginning of a new era of mine. Paperfobia, in which in spite of knowing all the things I made lots of mistake and destroyed some golden chances.
I didn't studied anything for the computer paper and this was the best paper I had given, I was expecting 90+ in both computer and English and rest I left to god. At first not even 75% was being calculated in PCM. I was worried because it could disqualify me from some of the exams. I was very happy after my computer paper as no more school now. But my happiness turned into a great sorrow because just 2 hours after my computer paper I got ill. Now this was very disappointing but I thought it was temporary. Same as last year It ceased my beginning of competitive preparation. After some home treatment I was well after 5 days so I started preparing . As now with out any tension I managed to study for 15+ hours until I got ill again after 3 day. I was very much frustrated and annoyed but destiny and god were not willing to grant my wishes. I was not able to read my books and revision was completely ceased. Soon 12th April arrived the judgment day.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Then also I love you dad.....
A father is the first and a true hero for a child, and it is the longing of every child to be like his father...
This was my status at father's day on Facebook. But these thoughts are not always permanent in my mind. Like every son and father relationship, I also have lots of mess, vehement arguments and debates with my dad and I know they will continue through out the life. From a child's perspective being father is just to impose your decisions, burst out your frustration and restriction on every thing where as from a father's perspective being a father is one of the most responsible act and you have to guide your child in each and every decision of his life. At present, there is a huge generation gap.
There was a poem in our text book about a father complaining that his son no more follow his will. Same problem is faced by most of the fathers that they think their control over their son is getting loose and he might choose a wrong path. Most of the son wants to swim fast and deep in the sea while all fathers want them at the beach to have a eye on them for their security. Sons want to fly high in the air while fathers want their feet on the ground for a safe approach. Even Gandhi ji who was heard by all the country failed to have a control on his elder son Hari Lal. This reflects the difficulty of being a father.
I also have a complex relation with my dad mixed with love,joy,anger,frustration,arguments etc all types of emotions. My dad always nourished me with the aim of shining his name and I also did the same till reaching 5th class. When due to certain silly mistake I failed to acquire first position in my class. He taunted me severely for this and kept on testing my patience but I didn't burst into tears until one day he turned very vehement. This was the first time I made a very negative image of him. But the queer thing was this that in his anger and frustration some time his love and caring was clearly reflected. I returned to the track soon and attained first position continuously in class 6th,7th and 8th. But this was not at all satisfactory for him and he wanted me to top the district while at that time I was a fierce critic of judging ones ability and potential by marks. I always used to tell my dad that marks are just illusion and they can never tell us about one's true capability but to him only marks were important and to being on the top. But I never understand his dual behavior. When I was full of zest and confidence he keep telling me about my failures and whenever I go downhill or in depression he always encouraged me and inculcated lots of confidence by telling that give your best, no worry about results. Giving our best is in our hands but result is not.
When I reached teen age I had become much more rebellious and used to fight with dad even on small things. Mom always acted as a barrier between us and she became the victim of fury of both of us. I always wonder how women have that much patience that they can endure all taunts and fights and still manage to keep the family together. After reaching the prime time of my career, dad was much more strict and he didn't like any of my carelessness. Watching TV, playing cricket or any other sort of entertainment. He wanted to see me only studying and I had no interest left in study at that time. I was baffled when he supported my decision of not going to coaching and said " I know you will make it on your own ". After it whenever he saw me not studying he taunted me that I wasted his 30k rs and still not using any of the time. He was right at that time but my rebellious and unstable mind could not bear this kinds of taunts and the final outcome was a fierce argument and then no talking for days. One day when dad said the same I replied I'll return 30 lakhs to you with in 10 years. Now only 7 years are left and still I haven't earned a single buck lets see whether I can keep up with my words or not. That day I was depressed and out of colors and decided to burst my feelings and I choose my fav. way .......
मन मे हो रही एक अग्नि प्रज्वलित
तपन जिसकी कर रही समूचे शरीर को विचलित
बह रही अनियत्रिंत भावनाये प्रचण
जल रहा मानो शरीर का खंड-खंड
अजब दौराहा है युवास्था और बालमन का
मानो अपने ही प्रतिबिम्ब से लड़ने सा
अनायास ही जो आया जिम्मेदारी का भार
अंचभित मन, अकल्पित स्थिति लाई रिश्तों मे दरार
एक सोच पर भार अनेको सोच का
एक आंकाक्षा पर भार अनेको मह्त्वकांक्षाओ का
एक सपने पर भार अनेको सपनो क
एक ही मन पर भार अनेको अपनो का
अग्नि की बढती लपटो से सब अधीर हो रहा
अपना ही अस्तित्व मानो विलीन हो रहा
डर यही कि इस अंधी दौड़ में
आगे बढने और श्रेष्ठ होने की हौड़ मे
कही फ़िसल न जाये यह नव सवार
पिछ्ड़ न जाये, न जाये अपने सपनो से हार
As per my dad only hard work is the ultimate and only solution of all problems and a key to success. Where as I always relied on mind and short tricks. When I was making notes in 12th dad always pointed out that you should read the theory not write the content but I always disobeyed him. I always tell him that what hard work has lerry page and sergey brin done or what hard work bill gates is doing. Only mind matters not hard work. But I was wrong. I failed in each and every stage of my life only due to lack of hard work. Dad was always right. As I have failed by my tricked I have decided to apply dad's trick now HARDWORK nothing else
During the competitive exam time when I was severely ill , he was my source of encouragement and he never let me fall. When I was not able to give AIEEE exam he said " don't worry perhaps something different is written in your destiny". Once I was thinking " how cruel dad is , if I was on his place I will do things..." and to much of my astonishment I imagined my self doing the same things. Perhaps the manner was different but same message. He always consented on my every decision and never thought for a single second about money. Whether it was joining the coaching, leaving it or going to kota.
Hero cycles had promoted an ad few days back in which a dad encourage his son for cycling when he was depressed after falling again and again, and ultimately he learned. All dads are the same, they keep on encouraging their child again and again either in positive or in negative way till they learn and emerges out as a successful human. There is a saying " there is only one child in this world and every mother has it" . Similarly I can say " there is only one best dad in this world and every child has it"
May be after meeting dad today I will say " dad I have written a blog about you" . Either he will give me a huge hug or say in his sarcastic tone " better to clean the room or read some thing " . No matter how many times we have argued and I disobeyed you. No matter how many times You hurt and rebuked me in front of many peoples. No matter how many times you are going to taunt me about my past failure. You are moody , sarcastic , rude and very annoying then also I love you dad because I know when ever I will rise you will be their to cheer and when ever I will fall you will lift me up and encourage me to rise again....
This was my status at father's day on Facebook. But these thoughts are not always permanent in my mind. Like every son and father relationship, I also have lots of mess, vehement arguments and debates with my dad and I know they will continue through out the life. From a child's perspective being father is just to impose your decisions, burst out your frustration and restriction on every thing where as from a father's perspective being a father is one of the most responsible act and you have to guide your child in each and every decision of his life. At present, there is a huge generation gap.
There was a poem in our text book about a father complaining that his son no more follow his will. Same problem is faced by most of the fathers that they think their control over their son is getting loose and he might choose a wrong path. Most of the son wants to swim fast and deep in the sea while all fathers want them at the beach to have a eye on them for their security. Sons want to fly high in the air while fathers want their feet on the ground for a safe approach. Even Gandhi ji who was heard by all the country failed to have a control on his elder son Hari Lal. This reflects the difficulty of being a father.
I also have a complex relation with my dad mixed with love,joy,anger,frustration,arguments etc all types of emotions. My dad always nourished me with the aim of shining his name and I also did the same till reaching 5th class. When due to certain silly mistake I failed to acquire first position in my class. He taunted me severely for this and kept on testing my patience but I didn't burst into tears until one day he turned very vehement. This was the first time I made a very negative image of him. But the queer thing was this that in his anger and frustration some time his love and caring was clearly reflected. I returned to the track soon and attained first position continuously in class 6th,7th and 8th. But this was not at all satisfactory for him and he wanted me to top the district while at that time I was a fierce critic of judging ones ability and potential by marks. I always used to tell my dad that marks are just illusion and they can never tell us about one's true capability but to him only marks were important and to being on the top. But I never understand his dual behavior. When I was full of zest and confidence he keep telling me about my failures and whenever I go downhill or in depression he always encouraged me and inculcated lots of confidence by telling that give your best, no worry about results. Giving our best is in our hands but result is not.
When I reached teen age I had become much more rebellious and used to fight with dad even on small things. Mom always acted as a barrier between us and she became the victim of fury of both of us. I always wonder how women have that much patience that they can endure all taunts and fights and still manage to keep the family together. After reaching the prime time of my career, dad was much more strict and he didn't like any of my carelessness. Watching TV, playing cricket or any other sort of entertainment. He wanted to see me only studying and I had no interest left in study at that time. I was baffled when he supported my decision of not going to coaching and said " I know you will make it on your own ". After it whenever he saw me not studying he taunted me that I wasted his 30k rs and still not using any of the time. He was right at that time but my rebellious and unstable mind could not bear this kinds of taunts and the final outcome was a fierce argument and then no talking for days. One day when dad said the same I replied I'll return 30 lakhs to you with in 10 years. Now only 7 years are left and still I haven't earned a single buck lets see whether I can keep up with my words or not. That day I was depressed and out of colors and decided to burst my feelings and I choose my fav. way .......
मन मे हो रही एक अग्नि प्रज्वलित
तपन जिसकी कर रही समूचे शरीर को विचलित
बह रही अनियत्रिंत भावनाये प्रचण
जल रहा मानो शरीर का खंड-खंड
अजब दौराहा है युवास्था और बालमन का
मानो अपने ही प्रतिबिम्ब से लड़ने सा
अनायास ही जो आया जिम्मेदारी का भार
अंचभित मन, अकल्पित स्थिति लाई रिश्तों मे दरार
एक सोच पर भार अनेको सोच का
एक आंकाक्षा पर भार अनेको मह्त्वकांक्षाओ का
एक सपने पर भार अनेको सपनो क
एक ही मन पर भार अनेको अपनो का
अग्नि की बढती लपटो से सब अधीर हो रहा
अपना ही अस्तित्व मानो विलीन हो रहा
डर यही कि इस अंधी दौड़ में
आगे बढने और श्रेष्ठ होने की हौड़ मे
कही फ़िसल न जाये यह नव सवार
पिछ्ड़ न जाये, न जाये अपने सपनो से हार
As per my dad only hard work is the ultimate and only solution of all problems and a key to success. Where as I always relied on mind and short tricks. When I was making notes in 12th dad always pointed out that you should read the theory not write the content but I always disobeyed him. I always tell him that what hard work has lerry page and sergey brin done or what hard work bill gates is doing. Only mind matters not hard work. But I was wrong. I failed in each and every stage of my life only due to lack of hard work. Dad was always right. As I have failed by my tricked I have decided to apply dad's trick now HARDWORK nothing else
During the competitive exam time when I was severely ill , he was my source of encouragement and he never let me fall. When I was not able to give AIEEE exam he said " don't worry perhaps something different is written in your destiny". Once I was thinking " how cruel dad is , if I was on his place I will do things..." and to much of my astonishment I imagined my self doing the same things. Perhaps the manner was different but same message. He always consented on my every decision and never thought for a single second about money. Whether it was joining the coaching, leaving it or going to kota.
Hero cycles had promoted an ad few days back in which a dad encourage his son for cycling when he was depressed after falling again and again, and ultimately he learned. All dads are the same, they keep on encouraging their child again and again either in positive or in negative way till they learn and emerges out as a successful human. There is a saying " there is only one child in this world and every mother has it" . Similarly I can say " there is only one best dad in this world and every child has it"
May be after meeting dad today I will say " dad I have written a blog about you" . Either he will give me a huge hug or say in his sarcastic tone " better to clean the room or read some thing " . No matter how many times we have argued and I disobeyed you. No matter how many times You hurt and rebuked me in front of many peoples. No matter how many times you are going to taunt me about my past failure. You are moody , sarcastic , rude and very annoying then also I love you dad because I know when ever I will rise you will be their to cheer and when ever I will fall you will lift me up and encourage me to rise again....
Monday, July 19, 2010
Introspection and Exploration...
I'll begin with a reply to Mr. anonymous, that respected sir you are complaining that my blog has no content. Let me clear you I'm writing about my life not about rakhi sawant's life so that there can't be any kind of scandals or masalas in it. I am just giving a brief elaboration of incidents that have occurred in my past life and if you have read my first blog, i have mentioned there that i wish i will laugh one day by reading all this. About my pathetic English, I'll reply it in the end.
The onset of school began in the same monotonous manner. Lots of planning, schedule , time table , resolution but nothing concrete, just superficial. After passing 11th with a first division I came to a conclusion that school studies meant only mugging. You didn't have to understand, learn or apply. Proper and well arranged 'NOTES' may prove to be a 'BRAMHASTRA'. So I decided I'll make good notes of subjects in which I'm weak. I started making notes of Chemistry first. As I was free from coaching so I devoted all my time to school studies and started solving the basics of all subjects. I arranged some good books and daily devoted 5 or 6 hours in note making of chemistry. To made them decorative and attractive I used sparkles, glitters and jel pens of all colours.
But the computer syllabus was still giving me lots of problem. We were told that we will have to submit a project in c++. Our school teacher just used to give us notes but no concepts. One of my friend was going to a outside tutorial for c++ and in a short time he had made a good command on this subject. So I thought I should act like a sycophant and some how obtain his trust, to be his project partner. But there was one big problem. I used to be very arrogant and self praising at that time and he had also the same colors. I was his only comparable rival and I didn't want to bow down. He used to be very sarcastic and I was alsovery proudy and man of self respect. I thought I'll never ever able to suffer and counter act his taunts so I gave up the idea.
I thought to do it on my own. I bought a book of c++ of 11th standard and started reading it. All the text seemed to be alien and I was not getting any of the logic or concept. Even the basics were giving me tremendous trouble. I decided to seek help from our school teacher and that fellow. I adopted the NOTE logic here also and started making good decorative notes of c++ from 11th and 12th class book. After struggling a lot in the beginning soon after some help I gained momentum very fast. Gradually I gained a good command on the subject and soon left that fellow behind. Now I was sure I can make my project by my own.
My competitive schedule was heavily affected by a trip to REWA of 5 days where my sister was studying BAMS. Soon school test started and I quit studying competitive again. After an average performance in school test I accelerated my note making and soon reached a very appreciable stage in both chemistry and computer. I was able to acquire second position in terminal examination although with very less marks.
But I kept on repeating the same mistakes again and again. If there were some hurdles and I had to quit study, I always started from the beginning thinking that soon I'll complete the syllabus. I never came back to a right track due to this inconsistency and kept on doing the questions from some selected chapters again and again. Meanwhile I had taken the task of making the computer program myself. When I started things looked very easy to me but soon all sorts of trouble. I was able to frame a proper algorithm but didn't know how to use functions and all that. Each day I worked for 2 or 3 hours and still the number of bugs increased. Gradually I was gaining confidence and soon I debugged the complete program. I was the only boy in the class submitting a self made program. I asked my sir " whats the use of this much hard work of mine, rest of the students had bought a good program from market worth 200rs". Sir replied " hard work is never wasted. At present it may seem all your hard work is in vain but when you will enter into real market, your hard work will definitely pay off".
Although a very common and futile experience but it has given me lots of confidence and zest. A feeling of faith is inculcated in me that if you really tried hard nothing will be impossible. Gradually you will learn. Your each failure will bring you more close to your aim. Each hurdle will make you to learn something new. So we should never quit. As we never know how near we are from success. May be we have dug several kms and decided to quit when the gold is just a few meters away. So back to you anonymous, I know my English is bad. I don't know even the basics but gradually by blogging and debugging it I will improve. I had not decided to blog until having a good command in English but a friend of mine encouraged me and I stepped forward. You are telling me not to ride the bicycle as I don't know riding it properly. But let me tell you anonymous I love to fall . The scars and wounds encourage me to learn it more properly and effectively. So you can keep on taunting me for pathetic content and bad English but I am in a constant up gradation mode and soon will reach a very good level of both blogging and English. In the end...
जीवन की दिशा मार्गदर्शक और आलोचक दोनो ही निर्धारित करते है। जहाँ एक आलोचक मन मे नकारत्मकता लिये , हीनभावना से ग्रसित होकर गलत शब्दो का उपयोग कर पौधे को कुचलने का प्रयास करता है वही एक मार्गदर्शक सही शब्दो का उपयोग कर , उचित राह बाता पौधे को व्रक्ष बनने मे मदद करता है। आलोचक को कोई सम्मान नही देता वही मार्गदर्शक की महानता को मजबुत व्रक्ष भी झुक कर सलाम करता है। आलोचक उन कंटिली झाडियो की तरह होते है जो एक बार पैरो को बेध कर गलत राह पर चलने से बचाते है वही मार्गदर्शक उन दिशाचिन्हो की तरह होते है जो राही को भटकने ही नही देती।
The onset of school began in the same monotonous manner. Lots of planning, schedule , time table , resolution but nothing concrete, just superficial. After passing 11th with a first division I came to a conclusion that school studies meant only mugging. You didn't have to understand, learn or apply. Proper and well arranged 'NOTES' may prove to be a 'BRAMHASTRA'. So I decided I'll make good notes of subjects in which I'm weak. I started making notes of Chemistry first. As I was free from coaching so I devoted all my time to school studies and started solving the basics of all subjects. I arranged some good books and daily devoted 5 or 6 hours in note making of chemistry. To made them decorative and attractive I used sparkles, glitters and jel pens of all colours.
But the computer syllabus was still giving me lots of problem. We were told that we will have to submit a project in c++. Our school teacher just used to give us notes but no concepts. One of my friend was going to a outside tutorial for c++ and in a short time he had made a good command on this subject. So I thought I should act like a sycophant and some how obtain his trust, to be his project partner. But there was one big problem. I used to be very arrogant and self praising at that time and he had also the same colors. I was his only comparable rival and I didn't want to bow down. He used to be very sarcastic and I was alsovery proudy and man of self respect. I thought I'll never ever able to suffer and counter act his taunts so I gave up the idea.
I thought to do it on my own. I bought a book of c++ of 11th standard and started reading it. All the text seemed to be alien and I was not getting any of the logic or concept. Even the basics were giving me tremendous trouble. I decided to seek help from our school teacher and that fellow. I adopted the NOTE logic here also and started making good decorative notes of c++ from 11th and 12th class book. After struggling a lot in the beginning soon after some help I gained momentum very fast. Gradually I gained a good command on the subject and soon left that fellow behind. Now I was sure I can make my project by my own.
My competitive schedule was heavily affected by a trip to REWA of 5 days where my sister was studying BAMS. Soon school test started and I quit studying competitive again. After an average performance in school test I accelerated my note making and soon reached a very appreciable stage in both chemistry and computer. I was able to acquire second position in terminal examination although with very less marks.
But I kept on repeating the same mistakes again and again. If there were some hurdles and I had to quit study, I always started from the beginning thinking that soon I'll complete the syllabus. I never came back to a right track due to this inconsistency and kept on doing the questions from some selected chapters again and again. Meanwhile I had taken the task of making the computer program myself. When I started things looked very easy to me but soon all sorts of trouble. I was able to frame a proper algorithm but didn't know how to use functions and all that. Each day I worked for 2 or 3 hours and still the number of bugs increased. Gradually I was gaining confidence and soon I debugged the complete program. I was the only boy in the class submitting a self made program. I asked my sir " whats the use of this much hard work of mine, rest of the students had bought a good program from market worth 200rs". Sir replied " hard work is never wasted. At present it may seem all your hard work is in vain but when you will enter into real market, your hard work will definitely pay off".
Although a very common and futile experience but it has given me lots of confidence and zest. A feeling of faith is inculcated in me that if you really tried hard nothing will be impossible. Gradually you will learn. Your each failure will bring you more close to your aim. Each hurdle will make you to learn something new. So we should never quit. As we never know how near we are from success. May be we have dug several kms and decided to quit when the gold is just a few meters away. So back to you anonymous, I know my English is bad. I don't know even the basics but gradually by blogging and debugging it I will improve. I had not decided to blog until having a good command in English but a friend of mine encouraged me and I stepped forward. You are telling me not to ride the bicycle as I don't know riding it properly. But let me tell you anonymous I love to fall . The scars and wounds encourage me to learn it more properly and effectively. So you can keep on taunting me for pathetic content and bad English but I am in a constant up gradation mode and soon will reach a very good level of both blogging and English. In the end...
जीवन की दिशा मार्गदर्शक और आलोचक दोनो ही निर्धारित करते है। जहाँ एक आलोचक मन मे नकारत्मकता लिये , हीनभावना से ग्रसित होकर गलत शब्दो का उपयोग कर पौधे को कुचलने का प्रयास करता है वही एक मार्गदर्शक सही शब्दो का उपयोग कर , उचित राह बाता पौधे को व्रक्ष बनने मे मदद करता है। आलोचक को कोई सम्मान नही देता वही मार्गदर्शक की महानता को मजबुत व्रक्ष भी झुक कर सलाम करता है। आलोचक उन कंटिली झाडियो की तरह होते है जो एक बार पैरो को बेध कर गलत राह पर चलने से बचाते है वही मार्गदर्शक उन दिशाचिन्हो की तरह होते है जो राही को भटकने ही नही देती।
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