The cruel claws of destiny.....

"Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him."
These words of Henry Miller seems perfect to me today but 3 years back I would have vehemently argued and not accepted it at any cost. At that time I was in such confidence that if some Jyotishi told me that you don't have the line of doing these then I will have surely made it by a knife. That was an era of extreme overconfidence. As I have mentioned in previous blog that after the end of 11th standard I have made various plan. I will study 15 hours daily, will do this in this much time , will complete the syllabus and blab blab other things. It was 20th march when the final practical exam was finished and we were free for 10 days. So as usual in control of my procrastination I decided to take a few days rest. It was 23rd march when I woke up at 7 am and was reading the newspaper when I realized that the letters are very blur and I am not able to read without focusing and stressing much on my eyes. A blur zig zag figure was flashing alternatively. As I have already gone through this experience various time so I didn't pay much heed to this and stop reading news paper thinking that it might be temporary.
This problem persisted through out the day but. It was nothing strange but after 3 days when I was in a hair saloon I realized that I am not able to visualize even the image of barber in the mirror at 2 feet. Now i was worried and I told this to my mom and dad. Dad guessed it may be conjunctivitis so We decided to give some rest to eyes and as all Indians do , not to take any immediate action or going to doctor. It was 29th march when I was not able to read any single letter of news paper. I told dad we need to go to a doctor.
This was my first encounter with an eye specialist. I was scared. It just revived my old fear that I will not be able to see again clearly or with glasses no girl will marry me.That damn long check up started . They poured some liquid in my eyes and told me that I'll not be able to see clearly through out the day then those scary check up lots of machines and digital images, and finally the doctor told me you have far-sightedness and asked to form glasses with +.25 in the left.
I was happy. Finally I'll be able to see and read again. When the glasses were ready and I wore them still the same problem was there. I asked my sis, she replied the lens takes some time to adjust. But nothing happened. We went to that doctor again . That rude, arrogant old lady started scolding us and told that she is perfect in her profession and she couldn't do any mistake and if u have any query then pay the fees and she will check again.
Dad said that if we have to pay the fees again then we must consult a better doctor. And we reached clinic of the best doctor. Same procedure was there but I was baffled and horrified when he gave me the same number of glasses. I said in shuddering voice "but doc that lady have also given me the same number". Doctor said then I have to analyze you throughly. He also put some liquid in my eyes and told me that I would not be able to see clearly for a day. When I was sitting with eyes closed . I said " dad , future looks completely bleak to me ". Dad replied " Son , I know you don't trust in god but this time for me pray with full faith" . I done the same and was hoping for some thing better. The doctor gave me new number of minus sign in one eye and plus in other :D and said I was trying to focus much and thus was able to read that chart and number was coming wrong. Meanwhile the school had started and now I was a source of attraction with lots of people asking " abe kandil kab laga chashma " , " sale 10 din mein itna padh liya ki battery ho gaya "," oye char aakh wale is baar to tu phodega matlab". I wished to kick on their ass and told them " salo yaha par pahle himeri thuk rahi hai,kuch bhi nahi deekh raha aur tum ko majak sujha raha hai " .
When some one really needs moral support what we often do is to pull his leg and further discourage him . Any how I was struggling to write in copies and to visualize the black board. Meanwhile due to some strange enthusiasm I had again joined my coaching. The timing were 12pm to 7:30 and in my friends words " beth beth kar peechwada suj gaya .. jeans phas gayi . Their used to be around 400 students in a single room and we all used to sit in such an alignment that we can't even itch our own leg. Dhakka mukki was obvious and the fellow which used to sit at the end of the row falls minimum 5 times during lecture . But there was one advantage also of this position. That time we used to throw chalk at each other. I with some of my gang used to come up half hour early , then we stole some chalks and used to throw it on other guys while the lectures were delivered. I had practiced that much that I could hit on the head or butt of a person standing 10 meters away. The fellow sitting at that place might feels safe and the others don't risk to throw there thinking " kabhi ladkiyo ko lag gaya to izzat ka kachra ho jata hai ". Gals can endure any pain while in beauty parlor,those painful threading and waxing ... but even if a light chalk or something else by mistake touched them then wahi ganga jamuna bahna chalu ho jate hai . Some daringbaaj people even take this risk and hit those fellows also. Some times chalk reached the teacher but they always ignored it as they have done the same thing in their childhood.The head of our institute was one of the most dumbest person I have ever met. He may be very knowledgeable but his arrogance has eaten his wisdom. He separated from his brother who took the charge of Indore center while he was left with ujjain with poor faculties. He used to take a 6 hour lecture in which half the time he used to tell us how great he was, one hour he criticized and bully other contemporary coachings , 1 hour while talking on cell, rest 1 hour wo kabhi kabhi kuch padha leta tha " .Meanwhile marpit , chalk mara mari , gossips , abusing sab chalte rahte the . Some artistic students use this time to make obscene figures on benches.
I with my dim lighted eye was some how struggling. When the new glasses were ready I was having the same problem, I was not able to see clearly with them also. Immediately we went their where his assistant said that wait for 8 days and then we will seek for some other measures.
I was exhausted and mentally broken, for the first time in my life I was feeling helpless as I was suffering from such a problem in which none of the measures were working.I was travelling in a dark bleak perpetual tunnel devoid of any hope or enthusiasm. I completely left my studies, started ignoring even the newspapers and other magazines. Even those letters which flashed at the end of news channels were enough to horrify me. I was completely entangled in fear and obsession . Meanwhile my dad organize my YAGYOPAVIT SANSKAR. I will write about it in the next post.Sorry for such a lengthy post it seems i just got carried away .